At the behest of the good men at the Frank Show, here's my list of the 11 middle-aged thespians you'd most like to rob your cradle.
11. Nicole Kidman
Age: 40
Divorces: 1
There's something weird, distanced and fraudulent about her. Probably the stray Thetans Tom Cruise was never able to rid her of. Cherish No. 9 while you've got it, Nicole, because your pal Naomi Watts is bumping you downward when she hits 40 this year.
10. Elisabeth Shue
Age: 44
Divorces: 0
Because of "The Karate Kid," which forever warped my mind, she will be on this list until she hits 74. And if I'm being honest, probably even long after. It takes a lot to keep Julia Roberts off this list.
9. Jennifer Jason Leigh
Age: 45
Divorces: 0
A dark horse from out of nowhere. It seems you haven't heard from JJL since "Fast Times at Ridgemont High," but she lays waste to Kidman in a head-to-head matchup in "Margot at the Wedding."
8. Gina Gershon
Age: 45
Divorces: 0
A truly ageless reservoir of sexual magnetism of the dirtiest kind. Her oldness oddly adds to her wild appeal.
7. Kristin Davis
Age: 42
Divorces: 0
The class of the otherwise worthless "Sex and the City." Usually packs of attractive ladies hang with a token "ugly one," but she reverses the paradigm as the hot one in a pack of wildebeests.
6. Sandra Bullock
Age: 43
Divorces: 0
She got a late start to her career, starring in"Speed" at age 30, but has always looked seven years younger than she really is. When she was in second grade she must have still looked like a baby, and appeared to be 11 when she graduated high school.
5. Maria Bello
Age: 40
Divorces: 0
She's not afraid to "party," meaning, disrobe for seemingly the majority of her film roles. And why would she be, with a body that's rumored to have ignited the California wildfires?
4. Marisa Tomei:
Age: 43
Divorces: 0
The years have done nothing to stifle the hotness that caused George Costanza to lust over her. Check out "Before the Devil Knows You're Dead" for head-spinning proof.
3. Monica Bellucci
Age: 43
Divorces: 0
It was be a shame she didn't get famous here 20 years ago, so we could have seen her in her prime. Then again, maybe her prime is right now, because it's hard to imagine her looking any better even if you shaved away two decades.
2. Halle Berry
Age: 41
Divorces: 2
An easy and unimaginative choice, sure. But also impossible to argue. I think she'll keep it going for another seven years at least... that is if she can hold off that tragic mental flaw that once allegedly compelled her to attempt suicide.
1. Salma Hayek
Age: 41
Divorces: 0
My mistake for not including Salma in the original post. She is by far the most attractive middle-aged actress on this planet or any other. And she will be at least until 39-year-old Ashley Judd challenges her later this year.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Thursday, January 17, 2008
My book
I've written a novel that's now available for pre-order on publishamerica.com. It costs $19.95 and hits print March 17. I wrote the sucker in a 30-day windsprint back in early '06, and I'm happy to see it finally come to fruition. Here's the synopsis:
"Full-time talk radio host and part-time con-artist Saul Cruz and free-wheeling college student Jerusha Goodman have fallen hard for one another. Problem is, both are tied down in uninspiring relationships to kind but dull people. Since neither is the cheating type, and the thought of dumping their lovestruck sig-o’s cold seems too cruel to fathom, Saul and Jerusha formulate a scam that will allow them to be together. They’ll pretend to be Mormon, suddenly foregoing sex, wine, coffee and R-rated movies, with the goal to irritate their partners away.
The switch is easy for Saul, an agnostic, as well as Jerusha, a Jack Mormon who has drifted from the flock, to the chagrin of her nagging mother. Will the ruse be enough to drive away Shannon, Saul’s doting, baby-talking ex-cheerleader girlfriend and Jared, Jerusha’s live-in blue-collar beau? The answer lies in Stormin’ Mormon, a romantic comedy that’s a religious experience."
In March the book will be available on Amazon and hopefully in a few local book stores. Any help spreading the word would be much appreciated.
And now for a giant-sized look at the cover.
"Full-time talk radio host and part-time con-artist Saul Cruz and free-wheeling college student Jerusha Goodman have fallen hard for one another. Problem is, both are tied down in uninspiring relationships to kind but dull people. Since neither is the cheating type, and the thought of dumping their lovestruck sig-o’s cold seems too cruel to fathom, Saul and Jerusha formulate a scam that will allow them to be together. They’ll pretend to be Mormon, suddenly foregoing sex, wine, coffee and R-rated movies, with the goal to irritate their partners away.
The switch is easy for Saul, an agnostic, as well as Jerusha, a Jack Mormon who has drifted from the flock, to the chagrin of her nagging mother. Will the ruse be enough to drive away Shannon, Saul’s doting, baby-talking ex-cheerleader girlfriend and Jared, Jerusha’s live-in blue-collar beau? The answer lies in Stormin’ Mormon, a romantic comedy that’s a religious experience."
In March the book will be available on Amazon and hopefully in a few local book stores. Any help spreading the word would be much appreciated.
And now for a giant-sized look at the cover.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Laziness
A lot of things I want to do and see I actually don't want to do or see because of the hassle involved. I just want the memory of having done so downloaded into my brain. "Total Recall" can't get here soon enough. The only thing that movie got wrong is that people wouldn't pay for that stuff, they'd pirate it like everything else.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
One advantage of getting married
Is that you can get your wife to do all your Christmas shopping, but only if you're able to demonstrate profound incompetence at gift giving (very easy for me). Even better, you don't have to buy her anything, because her money is yours, so she's really just buying something for herself through you. No wonder gay people want to get in on this action.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Why won't Boston teams lose ever?
The Red Sox won the world series. The Celtics are 19-2. The Patriots are undefeated. The Bruins have the second best record in the NHL's eastern conference. The Boston Hobgoblins of Major League Soccer have never lost a game (They don't exist, but still, they've never lost). How annoying. It's gotten to the point where I want Boston teams to lose more than my own teams to win. I may have to go into training and become a four sport professional athlete/owner of all pro franchises, trading myself from team to team daily and winning games personally in order to ensure all Boston squads lose their next 50 matchups. Only then will I find happiness in life.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
On sugar cookies
Soft sugar cookies are good. but regular, hard sugar cookies, unfrosted or with that detestable, flavorless primary color slop lopped on them are as revolting a reclaimed water. I resent everyone who likes them.
Sunday, December 02, 2007
Mike Stoops does not understand the game of football
Dear Mr. Stoops, when you are down by 10 with 2 minutes left, you need two scores to tie the game. It makes sense to kick a field goal rather than wasting time trying to get a touchdown, or worse, going for it on fourth down and failing. I suggest reading "Football for Dummies" over the offseason to familiarize yourself with strategy.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Sunday, November 18, 2007
The Confederate Flag
I'd like to thank everyone who adorns their pickup trucks with Confederate license plates and decals. You advertise yourself as racist dirtbags, making it easy for everyone who's moved on from the Civil War to know they're disgusted with you without having to waste the time to get to speak with you.
Granted, this message is intended for those who hold the flag is a symbol for "I wish black people were slaves," not those honorable, progressive Confederates* who simply support state rights.
*Just kidding, it's intended doubly for these delusional fools who proudly display the flag - which is as reprehensible as a swastika banner - on invented pretenses.
Granted, this message is intended for those who hold the flag is a symbol for "I wish black people were slaves," not those honorable, progressive Confederates* who simply support state rights.
*Just kidding, it's intended doubly for these delusional fools who proudly display the flag - which is as reprehensible as a swastika banner - on invented pretenses.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
A list of the only good songs ever made
For the most part, I don't like music. I don't actively despise it - my full-blown musical hatred is reserved for only the greatest evils such as U2, Sean Combs, Bruce Springsteen and nearly all country and death metal, but I'm apathetic to most music in general. Concerts bore me and I can safely say I will never again buy a CD. Very few tunes are worth a $1 download, or even the time it would take to find it on one of the illegal pirate services.
Thus, I see no need to ever buy an 80 gigabyte iPod, because there's no way I could ever fill even 1 gigabyte with songs I respect. Here are the only songs I actually like, and I'm sick of even most of these. (Bear in mind I have either no or awful taste in music, and my ignorance is mostly due to the art form's failure to intrigue me enough to do more research.)
1. Suddenly I See - KT Tunstall. I found it catchy when it first came out but now I'm sick of it, always skip past it on my MP3 player and am considering deleting it.
2. Fidelity - Regina Spektor. I've got a thing for Russian pop I guess.
3. Steady as She Goes - The Raconteurs. Another song I loved at first but now skip every time. Gonna delete it soon unless something changes.
4. They - Jem. I skip past this one 6 out of every 10 times, but when I'm in the mood for its haunting bounciness the tune really does it for me.
5. White Houses - Vanessa Carlton. This is a truly inspired ballad about that precious, unforgettable phase in your life in which you're still a kid but not yet tied down by life's drudgery. It gives me chills whenever I listen to it, which is rarely because usually I'm not equipped to handle the rush so I skip it.
6. Low - Cracker. Grunge at its near best.
7. Sometimes I Don't Mind - Suicide Machines. A funny gimmick tune; a love song written to a dog.
8. Until We Get Caught - Hit the Lights. I fell in love with this one while watching the trailer for "Madden NFL 07." Remember that video game, because there are two others on this list that came from there. If I knew what I was doing I would make a tribute video to this with clips from "300," because the song captures the film's spirit.
9. Stupid Girls - Pink. By far her best song. A direct attack on Paris Hilton and her ilk.
10. Dirty Little Secret - All American Rejects. Great punk.
11. I Met a Girl - Wheat. A whiny, loserish song that pulled me in a few years ago. Probably gonna delete it.
12. All Downhill from Here - Newfound Glory. Pop/punk is my weakness - the closest thing to a genre I like as a whole. Get ready for a bunch more songs just like this.
13. Around the World - ATC. An IBM commercial, I think, made me rediscover this. It's the one that goes lalalalalal and everbyody's singing lalalalala. Good stuff.
14. Is it Any Wonder - Keane. Another "Madden NFL 07" gem. I didn't like it at first but it wore me down.
15. Hollywood - Madonna. Closest thing to a good song Madonna has ever made. I don't hate her, but she's very mediocre. I like this one because she admits what a failure all her movies are.
16. Miss Murder - AFI. I almost never listen to this one, but it's just good enough to stay on my list.
17. Let's Get Retarded - Black Eye Peas. I should get rid of this just because the band is such a sellout for making that alternate, censored version. But I can't.
18. Try - Nelly Furtado. I actually hate this one now. Why don't I drop it? Can't say.
19. La La - Ashlee Simpson. A better song than anything the Beatles ever made. Ashlee really does have talent. Don't care what anyone else thinks.
20. Tune Out - The Format. A song about how awful Phoenix traffic and smoking inside a car are.
21. Sitting, Waiting Wishing - Jack Johnson. A primal howl of unrequited love. Genius.
22. What I've Done - Linkin Park. The lead singer of the band seems like a douche, but I like his brand of bitching. The Transformers movie end credits sold me on this one.
23. Girlfriend - Avril Lavigne. So so good. So so ashamed for thinking so.
24. No Doubt - New. Gwen Stefani is by far the greatest singer to ever live. And she's still not all that great.
25. What's Your Number - Cypress Hill. A funny bullshit bunch of bragadacio about a night that I'm sure never really happened.
26. Cupid's Chokehold - Gym Class Heroes. This one truly defines what love is. It doesn't let you walk on clouds - it's truly incapacitating, grabbing you by the throat.
27. Do You Want to Know a Secret? - Beatles. The only Beatles song you'll find on here. What was the big deal?
28. Bohemian Like You - Dandy Warhols. "Flushed Away," the cartoon rat movie, used this for a chase montage and I scribbled down the lyrics so I could find it. Thank you Google.
29. Hazy Shade of Winter - Bangles. Way better than the verzion sung by dudes.
30. Into the Great Wide Open - Tom Petty. My dad used to hum this song when I was a teenager. Drilled it into my brain.
31. Molly - Sponge. The 16 candles down the drain song. Don't know what it means, but as the lyrics say, "don't ask why."
32. Brain Stew - Green Day. Much of what Green Days does, especially "Time of Your Life" and "When I Come Around," makes me want to puke, but this one is a great song about being worn out and burned to a crisp. It's probably based on drug and booze induced hangovers on tour.
33. Stuck - Stacie Orrico. A one-hit wonder that wasn't even a hit. Kinda sad.
34. I Get Around - Tupac. The greatest hip-hop song ever made.
35. 2Wicky - Hooverphonic. A bunch of sung numbers. Sounds like a trippy Sesame Street thing.
36. Out Here All Night - Damone. Another Madden tune. I thought it was stupid at first, but it grew on me in a huge way. I love its naivete.
37. Blinded by the Light - Manfred Mann's Earth Band. The Xbox 360 launch title "Amped" hooked me on this nonsense.
38. A Whole New World - Aladdin and Jasmine. From probably the sexiest scene of any animated movie. I love the way he makes her feel guilty for cheating on him, and how she's totally willing to ditch Aladdin for his secret identity. Hot.
39. About Her - Malcolm McLaren. "Kill Bill Vol. 1" showed me the light.
40. All the Things She Said - Tatu. There I go with the Russians again. Plus bonus lesbianism and catchy lyrics.
41. America - Bree Sharp. I'm sure she's working at a Motel 6 now as a maid, but she's $16 bucks richer than she would be because I bought her horrible CD off of one good song that was on the radio back in 2000.
42. Angel is the Centerfold - Charlie Daniels Band. Catchy but idiotic lyrics. The guy is a moron for being offended that a schoolmate became a porn princess. Be proud, dude.
43. Angry Johnny - Poe. And Poe, I'm sure, cleans the toilets at the same Motel 6. I'm still pissed at her for canceling a free concert she was going to on campus back when I was in college.
44. Around the World - Daft Punk. No excuses here. I'm a tool.
45. Fly Me to the Moon - Astrud Gilberto. She does it better than Sinatra in her weird foreign accent.
46. Back to Life - Soul 2 Soul. I didn't care for this song when I was a kid. But a commercial a few years ago made me like it.
47. Bandages - Hot Hot Heat. Fast and cool. It'll be my favorite song for a week and then I won't listen to it for 5 years.
48. Because the Night - 10,000 Maniacs. Just begging to play as background music as a montage in a comedy about a farmer who romances a sheep.
49. In the Blood - Better Than Ezra. For many years I held up Ezra as the greatest band in the world. Now, not so much.
50. Big Poppa - Biggie Smalls. The second greatest hip-hop tune ever.
51. For the Longest Time - Billy Joel. He's way, way overrated, but at least he made a couple listenable songs.
52. Blurry - Puddle of Mudd. This one applies to the way so many women felt about me when I was single.
53. What Can I Say - Brandi Carlile. I don't like "Gray's Anatomy," but I caught the episode that featured this song and I was smitten.
54. Breakdown - Tantric. I want this song to play after every touchdown I score in "Tecmo Bowl."
55. Breathe Your Name - Sixpence None the Richer. Breathy and lyrical.
56. Breathless - The Corrs. The NBC ad campaign a few years ago that co-opted this song almost made me dislike it.
57. Brian Wilson - Barenaked Ladies. Don't really understand it, but I still like it. A far better alternative to BNL's "If I Had a Million Dollars."
58. Celebrity Skin - Hole. Courtney Love is so dirty and yet so talented.
59. Christmas Time - Blink 182. A song that encapsulates how I feel about Christmas.
60. Cornflake Girl - Tori Amos. Makes no sense at all.
61. Butterfly - Crazy Town. Didn't like it when it was popular.
62. Cruel Summer - Bananarama. "The Karate Kid" series gave me two songs to love. This was one of them.
63. Crystal Village - Pete Yorn. An aching lament about a faded romance.
64. Damn it Feels Good to be a Gangsta - Geto Boys. How could you watch "Office Space" and not love this one?
65. Diamonds and Guns - Transplants. References Karl Malone. Badass.
66. Upside Down - Diana Ross. Nothing in "Dreamgirls" could compete with this.
67. Digital Boy - Bad Religion. Philosophical old-school punk is another weakness.
68. Don't Fear the Reaper - Blue Oyster Cult. The mediocre video game "Prey" convinced me to like this by using it in a scene where you get kidnapped by aliens.
69. What Happens Tomorrow - Duran Duran. Their one good song, made decades after everyone stopped caring about them.
70. Every Other Time - LFO. The one good Boy Band song.
71. Extraodrinary - Liz Phair. I liked her moved to pop selloutdom.
72. Fat Lip - Sum 41. The redeemer of the "American Pie 2" soundtrack.
73. Female of the Species - Space. Reminds me of the Koopa Island tune in "Super Mario Kart."
74. Fill it Up Again - Indigo Girls. Too good for its own good.
75. Float On - Modest Mouse. Upbeat and nostalgic.
76. Flood - Jars of Clay. One of two great Jesus Rock songs.
77. Follow You Down - Gin Blossoms. Good stalker tune.
78. Freak of the Week - Marvellous 3. I've been to one of their concerts and bought their CD, just because of this one song.
79. Get Em Outta Here - Sprung Monkey. Fun groove about pimping the streets of San Diego.
80. Girls Not Grey - AFI. Really really bored with this.
81. Good - Better Than Ezra. Reminds me of getting pummeled in my first year of varsity football.
82. Disease - Bad Religion. Oh Bad Religion, you're so deep.
83. Satellite - Guster. Got it from "Martian Child." Probably my favorite song at the moment - absolutely nails how it feels to be a dad.
84. The Sweet Escape - Gwen Stefani. Hate the video, love the tune.
85. Heartache for Everyone - Indigo Girls. A decent second-stringer to "Fill it Up Again."
86. Hit Em Up Style - Blue Cantrell. Never, ever cheat on Blue Cantrell.
87. Hody Hody - Shoe Bomb. A local band no one has heard of or ever will.
88. Glory of Love - Peter Cetera. And the second great Daniel-song, this one from "Karate Kid II."
89. I Do - Lisa Loeb. Oddly, not the only Lisa Loeb song on the list.
90. Nearly Lost You - Screaming Trees. Better than most of the stuff Nirvana made.
91. I Want it All - Warren G. Doesn't everyone?
92. I Wish - Skee Lo. And doesn't every man who's 5-8 wish he was a little bit taller?
93. If I Can Go - Angie Martinez. Spanglish sensation.
94. If I Could Talk I'd Tell You - Lemonheads. "There's Something About Mary" gave me this and one other.
95. Igniton - R Kelly. I refuse to refer to this as a remix. No one has ever heard of the original Ignition, so this is the Ignition of record.
96. Irish Blood English Heart - Morrisey. "FIFA 06" made me fall under the trance of this hate-filled political diatribe.
97. Island in the Sun - Weezer. I already liked it before I saw the movie "Out Cold," but the comedy cemented my adoration.
98. It's All Been Done - Barenaked Ladies. Easygoing groove about a desperate crush that won't be consummated in this life, but maybe has in the past and will in the next.
99. It's Alright It's OK - Leah Andreone. I paid $8 for the single. At the time it was worth every penny.
100. Joyride - Roxette. Liked it a little at age 13, loved in during college when it was played before soccer and baseball games I covered.
101. Jump Right In - The Urge. The theme song for every illicit, ill-advised hookup.
102. Jump Start - The Hang Ups. Kevin Smith made the single greatest musical montage in movie history. The tune plays in "Chasing Amy" as Ben Affleck hangs out with Joey Lauren Adams, desperately hoping he can friend her into a relationship. The chorus goes "Never will regret this..."
103. Kodochrome - Paul Simon. "Cops and Robbersons" made me like it.
104. Lack of Water - Why Store. Should be the theme song of Arizona.
105. Lay Me Down - Live. Reminds me of driving to Phoenix in 110 degrees with no air conditioning.
106. Layla - Eric Clapton. The slow version of this sucks. The unplugged owns all.
107. Let Go - Frou Frou. "Garden State" taught me to appreciate this.
108. Let's Forget About It - Lisa Loeb. There she is again.
109. Let's Make a Deal - Dangerman.
110. Lightning Strikes - Lou Christie. A doo-wop like song that kills.
111. Numb - Linkin Park. "Miami Vice" convinced me.
112. Little Black Backpack - Stroke 9. Reminds me of winning a Scooby-Doo in a carnie game at Magic Mountain.
113. Looks Like They Were Right - Lit. For some reason it seems to be a song about turning 30.
114. Loser - 3 Doors Down. One time a friend of mine sung along with this on the radio with alarming conviction.
115. Love Fool - The Cardigans. Weird song to like, I know.
116. Love You Madly - Cake. Another song about love that isn't as great as it could be.
117. Makin' Money - Handsome Devil. "Out Cold" showed me another awesome punk song.
118. Man Enough for Me - Toni Braxton. I was man enough for you back in '95, Toni.
119. I Love You - Martina McBride. The only country song I like. You could hardly call it country though.
120. Motown Song - Rod Stewart. Really cool cartoon video went with this one.
121. Mr. Blue Sky - Electric Light Orchestra. The trailer for "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" won me over.
122. The Mummer's Dance - Loreena McKinnit. Reminds me of "The Legend of Zelda."
123. My Boo - Ghosttown DJs. I think it was MTV's "The Grind" that hooked me on this back in high school.
124. Never Let You Go - Third Eye Blind. "Say it isn't So" made me like it.
125. Never Say Never - That Dog. Heard this once on the radio and had to have it.
126. Never You Mind - Semisonic. Much better than "Closing Time," which made me buy the CD.
127. Oi to the World - No Doubt. Weird jangly Christmas song.
128. Over My Head - Lit. The theme song of me becoming a film critic at age 22.
129. I Write Sins Not Tragedies - Panic at the Disco. I refuse to put an exclamation mark after Panic. It's my way of lashing out at the man. I'm bored with the song.
130. Pardon Me - Incubus. Really getting tired of this one.
131. Peaceful World - John Mellencamp. The inverse of "This is Our Country."
132. Playa's Holiday - TNDY. Because every playa needs a holiday.
133. Pretty Deep - Tanya. I heard it at Taco Bell and my friends made fun of me for saying it was a good song.
134. Prophecy - Remy Zero. The American version of "The Last Kiss" introduced me to the song, which I liked better when I thought it went "have sex with me now."
135. Ride Wit Me - Nelly. One of the billion songs about making it big and rubbing it in everyone's face. The best one, I daresay.
136. River of Dreams - Billy Joel. Don't think I've listened to it all the way through in 10 years. Can't let it go though.
137. Roll to Me - Della Mitri. Ah, summer of '95.
138. Romeo's Got Nothin' on Me - KGB. So so so catchy.
139. Round the Way Girl - LL Cool J. When you become famous it's much easier to get some play with the uppity ladies you grew up with, according to Mr. Cool J.
140. Saint Joe on the School Bus - Marcy Playground. Better than "Sex and Candy."
141. Satellite - Dave Matthews. Good violin action.
142. Save Your Love - Bad Boys Blue. Brings to mind my 8th grade crush.
143. Seether - Veruca Salt. A lot of us have something we'd like to have crammed into the lead singer's mouth back int the day.
144. Self Control - Laura Branigan. "Vice City" indoctrinated me.
145. Shadowboxer - Fiona Apple. Whoever dumped you was crazy, Fiona. But then so are you.
146. She's Going to Change the World - Chris Cornell. Women with power can be intimidating.
147. Sheep Go to Heaven - Cake. My atheist friend believed this to be a religious parable.
148. My Favorite Mistake - Sheryl Crowe. Dedicated presciently to Lance Armstrong?
149. Sin So Well - Rebekah. Overpaid for the single of it.
150. Six Feet Deep - Geto Boys. The thought-provoking gangsta jam of 8th grade.
151. In This Life - Chantal. One billion movie trailers can't be wrong.
152. Solsbury Hill - Peter Gabriel. Two billion movie trailers can't be wrong.
153. Sorrow - Bad Religion. My religious beliefs identify fairly strongly with the lyrics.
154. Soft Serve - Soul Coughing. What a metaphor.
155. Soul Meets Body - Death Cab for Cutie. It was from "Garden State" I think.
156. Spiderwebs - No Doubt. Like every other dumbass in 1996, I had this as my voice mail intro.
157. Suddenly - Soraya. Reminds me of my cousin's hot friend she brought to Thanksgiving when I was a teenager. I was too shy.
158. Sunday Shining - Finley Quaye. Sounds like Fraggle Rock.
159. Superman - REM. A look inside the minds of 14-year-old comic book obsessives.
160. Swing Low - Hole. Courtney, the chariot needs to swing very low for you.
161. Swing Swing - All American Rejects. Should be played at least once at every baseball game.
162. Take it Off - The Donnas. Even better on "Guitar Hero."
163. Take Me Out - Franz Ferdinand. Great PSP promo song. Shouldn'ta dropped it.
164. Creep - STP. Take time with a wounded hand. Don't know what it means. Don't care.
165. Tangled Up in Me - Skye Sweetnam. Another one non hit no wonder.
166. Teenage Dirtbag - Wheatus. For the longest time I thought it was sung by a chick.
167. Tonight and the Rest of My Life - Nina Gordon. Some jewelry commercial sold me on it. Argh.
168. The Passenger - Iggy Pop. "Waking Life" trailer, baby. "You're a dreamer? Don't see too many of you around lately."
169. Then the Morning Comes - Smash Mouth. Fell in love hard to this one.
170. Think Twice - Eve 6. Overprotective much?
171. These Words - Natasha Bedingfield. Liked it more before I listened to it 10,000 times. Good song about the creative process.
172. This is the Day - Ivy. "Mary" strikes again.
173. Time and Time Again - Chronic Future. CF makes up for the annoying "Scottsdale Brat."
174. What I Am - Edie Brickell. Not as deep as you think, Edie. But deep enough.
175. Tropicalia - Beck. The theme song for overpriced cruises.
176. Underground - Ben Folds Five. High school losers unite.
177. Unpretty - TLC. Their only good song.
178. Video Killed the Radio Star - Presidents. Punk remake bested the original.
179. Waltz for a Night - Julie Delpy. "Before Sunset" is one of the greatest movies.
180. What I Didn't Know - Anthaneum. My apartment neighbor played with my heart.
181. What You Waiting For - Gwen Stefani. Reminds you to get your ass in gear with creative projects before you're too old.
182. Yeah Whatever - Splendor. An anti love song.
183. When I Grow Up - Garbage. I like it more through the eyes of my son.
184. You Get What You Give - New Radicals. Way overplayed, but it's a part of me.
185. Your Woman - White Town. A little too freaky, but steals its beat from the "Star Wars" theme.
186. Youth of the Nation - P.O.D. That other good Christian song.
Thus, I see no need to ever buy an 80 gigabyte iPod, because there's no way I could ever fill even 1 gigabyte with songs I respect. Here are the only songs I actually like, and I'm sick of even most of these. (Bear in mind I have either no or awful taste in music, and my ignorance is mostly due to the art form's failure to intrigue me enough to do more research.)
1. Suddenly I See - KT Tunstall. I found it catchy when it first came out but now I'm sick of it, always skip past it on my MP3 player and am considering deleting it.
2. Fidelity - Regina Spektor. I've got a thing for Russian pop I guess.
3. Steady as She Goes - The Raconteurs. Another song I loved at first but now skip every time. Gonna delete it soon unless something changes.
4. They - Jem. I skip past this one 6 out of every 10 times, but when I'm in the mood for its haunting bounciness the tune really does it for me.
5. White Houses - Vanessa Carlton. This is a truly inspired ballad about that precious, unforgettable phase in your life in which you're still a kid but not yet tied down by life's drudgery. It gives me chills whenever I listen to it, which is rarely because usually I'm not equipped to handle the rush so I skip it.
6. Low - Cracker. Grunge at its near best.
7. Sometimes I Don't Mind - Suicide Machines. A funny gimmick tune; a love song written to a dog.
8. Until We Get Caught - Hit the Lights. I fell in love with this one while watching the trailer for "Madden NFL 07." Remember that video game, because there are two others on this list that came from there. If I knew what I was doing I would make a tribute video to this with clips from "300," because the song captures the film's spirit.
9. Stupid Girls - Pink. By far her best song. A direct attack on Paris Hilton and her ilk.
10. Dirty Little Secret - All American Rejects. Great punk.
11. I Met a Girl - Wheat. A whiny, loserish song that pulled me in a few years ago. Probably gonna delete it.
12. All Downhill from Here - Newfound Glory. Pop/punk is my weakness - the closest thing to a genre I like as a whole. Get ready for a bunch more songs just like this.
13. Around the World - ATC. An IBM commercial, I think, made me rediscover this. It's the one that goes lalalalalal and everbyody's singing lalalalala. Good stuff.
14. Is it Any Wonder - Keane. Another "Madden NFL 07" gem. I didn't like it at first but it wore me down.
15. Hollywood - Madonna. Closest thing to a good song Madonna has ever made. I don't hate her, but she's very mediocre. I like this one because she admits what a failure all her movies are.
16. Miss Murder - AFI. I almost never listen to this one, but it's just good enough to stay on my list.
17. Let's Get Retarded - Black Eye Peas. I should get rid of this just because the band is such a sellout for making that alternate, censored version. But I can't.
18. Try - Nelly Furtado. I actually hate this one now. Why don't I drop it? Can't say.
19. La La - Ashlee Simpson. A better song than anything the Beatles ever made. Ashlee really does have talent. Don't care what anyone else thinks.
20. Tune Out - The Format. A song about how awful Phoenix traffic and smoking inside a car are.
21. Sitting, Waiting Wishing - Jack Johnson. A primal howl of unrequited love. Genius.
22. What I've Done - Linkin Park. The lead singer of the band seems like a douche, but I like his brand of bitching. The Transformers movie end credits sold me on this one.
23. Girlfriend - Avril Lavigne. So so good. So so ashamed for thinking so.
24. No Doubt - New. Gwen Stefani is by far the greatest singer to ever live. And she's still not all that great.
25. What's Your Number - Cypress Hill. A funny bullshit bunch of bragadacio about a night that I'm sure never really happened.
26. Cupid's Chokehold - Gym Class Heroes. This one truly defines what love is. It doesn't let you walk on clouds - it's truly incapacitating, grabbing you by the throat.
27. Do You Want to Know a Secret? - Beatles. The only Beatles song you'll find on here. What was the big deal?
28. Bohemian Like You - Dandy Warhols. "Flushed Away," the cartoon rat movie, used this for a chase montage and I scribbled down the lyrics so I could find it. Thank you Google.
29. Hazy Shade of Winter - Bangles. Way better than the verzion sung by dudes.
30. Into the Great Wide Open - Tom Petty. My dad used to hum this song when I was a teenager. Drilled it into my brain.
31. Molly - Sponge. The 16 candles down the drain song. Don't know what it means, but as the lyrics say, "don't ask why."
32. Brain Stew - Green Day. Much of what Green Days does, especially "Time of Your Life" and "When I Come Around," makes me want to puke, but this one is a great song about being worn out and burned to a crisp. It's probably based on drug and booze induced hangovers on tour.
33. Stuck - Stacie Orrico. A one-hit wonder that wasn't even a hit. Kinda sad.
34. I Get Around - Tupac. The greatest hip-hop song ever made.
35. 2Wicky - Hooverphonic. A bunch of sung numbers. Sounds like a trippy Sesame Street thing.
36. Out Here All Night - Damone. Another Madden tune. I thought it was stupid at first, but it grew on me in a huge way. I love its naivete.
37. Blinded by the Light - Manfred Mann's Earth Band. The Xbox 360 launch title "Amped" hooked me on this nonsense.
38. A Whole New World - Aladdin and Jasmine. From probably the sexiest scene of any animated movie. I love the way he makes her feel guilty for cheating on him, and how she's totally willing to ditch Aladdin for his secret identity. Hot.
39. About Her - Malcolm McLaren. "Kill Bill Vol. 1" showed me the light.
40. All the Things She Said - Tatu. There I go with the Russians again. Plus bonus lesbianism and catchy lyrics.
41. America - Bree Sharp. I'm sure she's working at a Motel 6 now as a maid, but she's $16 bucks richer than she would be because I bought her horrible CD off of one good song that was on the radio back in 2000.
42. Angel is the Centerfold - Charlie Daniels Band. Catchy but idiotic lyrics. The guy is a moron for being offended that a schoolmate became a porn princess. Be proud, dude.
43. Angry Johnny - Poe. And Poe, I'm sure, cleans the toilets at the same Motel 6. I'm still pissed at her for canceling a free concert she was going to on campus back when I was in college.
44. Around the World - Daft Punk. No excuses here. I'm a tool.
45. Fly Me to the Moon - Astrud Gilberto. She does it better than Sinatra in her weird foreign accent.
46. Back to Life - Soul 2 Soul. I didn't care for this song when I was a kid. But a commercial a few years ago made me like it.
47. Bandages - Hot Hot Heat. Fast and cool. It'll be my favorite song for a week and then I won't listen to it for 5 years.
48. Because the Night - 10,000 Maniacs. Just begging to play as background music as a montage in a comedy about a farmer who romances a sheep.
49. In the Blood - Better Than Ezra. For many years I held up Ezra as the greatest band in the world. Now, not so much.
50. Big Poppa - Biggie Smalls. The second greatest hip-hop tune ever.
51. For the Longest Time - Billy Joel. He's way, way overrated, but at least he made a couple listenable songs.
52. Blurry - Puddle of Mudd. This one applies to the way so many women felt about me when I was single.
53. What Can I Say - Brandi Carlile. I don't like "Gray's Anatomy," but I caught the episode that featured this song and I was smitten.
54. Breakdown - Tantric. I want this song to play after every touchdown I score in "Tecmo Bowl."
55. Breathe Your Name - Sixpence None the Richer. Breathy and lyrical.
56. Breathless - The Corrs. The NBC ad campaign a few years ago that co-opted this song almost made me dislike it.
57. Brian Wilson - Barenaked Ladies. Don't really understand it, but I still like it. A far better alternative to BNL's "If I Had a Million Dollars."
58. Celebrity Skin - Hole. Courtney Love is so dirty and yet so talented.
59. Christmas Time - Blink 182. A song that encapsulates how I feel about Christmas.
60. Cornflake Girl - Tori Amos. Makes no sense at all.
61. Butterfly - Crazy Town. Didn't like it when it was popular.
62. Cruel Summer - Bananarama. "The Karate Kid" series gave me two songs to love. This was one of them.
63. Crystal Village - Pete Yorn. An aching lament about a faded romance.
64. Damn it Feels Good to be a Gangsta - Geto Boys. How could you watch "Office Space" and not love this one?
65. Diamonds and Guns - Transplants. References Karl Malone. Badass.
66. Upside Down - Diana Ross. Nothing in "Dreamgirls" could compete with this.
67. Digital Boy - Bad Religion. Philosophical old-school punk is another weakness.
68. Don't Fear the Reaper - Blue Oyster Cult. The mediocre video game "Prey" convinced me to like this by using it in a scene where you get kidnapped by aliens.
69. What Happens Tomorrow - Duran Duran. Their one good song, made decades after everyone stopped caring about them.
70. Every Other Time - LFO. The one good Boy Band song.
71. Extraodrinary - Liz Phair. I liked her moved to pop selloutdom.
72. Fat Lip - Sum 41. The redeemer of the "American Pie 2" soundtrack.
73. Female of the Species - Space. Reminds me of the Koopa Island tune in "Super Mario Kart."
74. Fill it Up Again - Indigo Girls. Too good for its own good.
75. Float On - Modest Mouse. Upbeat and nostalgic.
76. Flood - Jars of Clay. One of two great Jesus Rock songs.
77. Follow You Down - Gin Blossoms. Good stalker tune.
78. Freak of the Week - Marvellous 3. I've been to one of their concerts and bought their CD, just because of this one song.
79. Get Em Outta Here - Sprung Monkey. Fun groove about pimping the streets of San Diego.
80. Girls Not Grey - AFI. Really really bored with this.
81. Good - Better Than Ezra. Reminds me of getting pummeled in my first year of varsity football.
82. Disease - Bad Religion. Oh Bad Religion, you're so deep.
83. Satellite - Guster. Got it from "Martian Child." Probably my favorite song at the moment - absolutely nails how it feels to be a dad.
84. The Sweet Escape - Gwen Stefani. Hate the video, love the tune.
85. Heartache for Everyone - Indigo Girls. A decent second-stringer to "Fill it Up Again."
86. Hit Em Up Style - Blue Cantrell. Never, ever cheat on Blue Cantrell.
87. Hody Hody - Shoe Bomb. A local band no one has heard of or ever will.
88. Glory of Love - Peter Cetera. And the second great Daniel-song, this one from "Karate Kid II."
89. I Do - Lisa Loeb. Oddly, not the only Lisa Loeb song on the list.
90. Nearly Lost You - Screaming Trees. Better than most of the stuff Nirvana made.
91. I Want it All - Warren G. Doesn't everyone?
92. I Wish - Skee Lo. And doesn't every man who's 5-8 wish he was a little bit taller?
93. If I Can Go - Angie Martinez. Spanglish sensation.
94. If I Could Talk I'd Tell You - Lemonheads. "There's Something About Mary" gave me this and one other.
95. Igniton - R Kelly. I refuse to refer to this as a remix. No one has ever heard of the original Ignition, so this is the Ignition of record.
96. Irish Blood English Heart - Morrisey. "FIFA 06" made me fall under the trance of this hate-filled political diatribe.
97. Island in the Sun - Weezer. I already liked it before I saw the movie "Out Cold," but the comedy cemented my adoration.
98. It's All Been Done - Barenaked Ladies. Easygoing groove about a desperate crush that won't be consummated in this life, but maybe has in the past and will in the next.
99. It's Alright It's OK - Leah Andreone. I paid $8 for the single. At the time it was worth every penny.
100. Joyride - Roxette. Liked it a little at age 13, loved in during college when it was played before soccer and baseball games I covered.
101. Jump Right In - The Urge. The theme song for every illicit, ill-advised hookup.
102. Jump Start - The Hang Ups. Kevin Smith made the single greatest musical montage in movie history. The tune plays in "Chasing Amy" as Ben Affleck hangs out with Joey Lauren Adams, desperately hoping he can friend her into a relationship. The chorus goes "Never will regret this..."
103. Kodochrome - Paul Simon. "Cops and Robbersons" made me like it.
104. Lack of Water - Why Store. Should be the theme song of Arizona.
105. Lay Me Down - Live. Reminds me of driving to Phoenix in 110 degrees with no air conditioning.
106. Layla - Eric Clapton. The slow version of this sucks. The unplugged owns all.
107. Let Go - Frou Frou. "Garden State" taught me to appreciate this.
108. Let's Forget About It - Lisa Loeb. There she is again.
109. Let's Make a Deal - Dangerman.
110. Lightning Strikes - Lou Christie. A doo-wop like song that kills.
111. Numb - Linkin Park. "Miami Vice" convinced me.
112. Little Black Backpack - Stroke 9. Reminds me of winning a Scooby-Doo in a carnie game at Magic Mountain.
113. Looks Like They Were Right - Lit. For some reason it seems to be a song about turning 30.
114. Loser - 3 Doors Down. One time a friend of mine sung along with this on the radio with alarming conviction.
115. Love Fool - The Cardigans. Weird song to like, I know.
116. Love You Madly - Cake. Another song about love that isn't as great as it could be.
117. Makin' Money - Handsome Devil. "Out Cold" showed me another awesome punk song.
118. Man Enough for Me - Toni Braxton. I was man enough for you back in '95, Toni.
119. I Love You - Martina McBride. The only country song I like. You could hardly call it country though.
120. Motown Song - Rod Stewart. Really cool cartoon video went with this one.
121. Mr. Blue Sky - Electric Light Orchestra. The trailer for "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" won me over.
122. The Mummer's Dance - Loreena McKinnit. Reminds me of "The Legend of Zelda."
123. My Boo - Ghosttown DJs. I think it was MTV's "The Grind" that hooked me on this back in high school.
124. Never Let You Go - Third Eye Blind. "Say it isn't So" made me like it.
125. Never Say Never - That Dog. Heard this once on the radio and had to have it.
126. Never You Mind - Semisonic. Much better than "Closing Time," which made me buy the CD.
127. Oi to the World - No Doubt. Weird jangly Christmas song.
128. Over My Head - Lit. The theme song of me becoming a film critic at age 22.
129. I Write Sins Not Tragedies - Panic at the Disco. I refuse to put an exclamation mark after Panic. It's my way of lashing out at the man. I'm bored with the song.
130. Pardon Me - Incubus. Really getting tired of this one.
131. Peaceful World - John Mellencamp. The inverse of "This is Our Country."
132. Playa's Holiday - TNDY. Because every playa needs a holiday.
133. Pretty Deep - Tanya. I heard it at Taco Bell and my friends made fun of me for saying it was a good song.
134. Prophecy - Remy Zero. The American version of "The Last Kiss" introduced me to the song, which I liked better when I thought it went "have sex with me now."
135. Ride Wit Me - Nelly. One of the billion songs about making it big and rubbing it in everyone's face. The best one, I daresay.
136. River of Dreams - Billy Joel. Don't think I've listened to it all the way through in 10 years. Can't let it go though.
137. Roll to Me - Della Mitri. Ah, summer of '95.
138. Romeo's Got Nothin' on Me - KGB. So so so catchy.
139. Round the Way Girl - LL Cool J. When you become famous it's much easier to get some play with the uppity ladies you grew up with, according to Mr. Cool J.
140. Saint Joe on the School Bus - Marcy Playground. Better than "Sex and Candy."
141. Satellite - Dave Matthews. Good violin action.
142. Save Your Love - Bad Boys Blue. Brings to mind my 8th grade crush.
143. Seether - Veruca Salt. A lot of us have something we'd like to have crammed into the lead singer's mouth back int the day.
144. Self Control - Laura Branigan. "Vice City" indoctrinated me.
145. Shadowboxer - Fiona Apple. Whoever dumped you was crazy, Fiona. But then so are you.
146. She's Going to Change the World - Chris Cornell. Women with power can be intimidating.
147. Sheep Go to Heaven - Cake. My atheist friend believed this to be a religious parable.
148. My Favorite Mistake - Sheryl Crowe. Dedicated presciently to Lance Armstrong?
149. Sin So Well - Rebekah. Overpaid for the single of it.
150. Six Feet Deep - Geto Boys. The thought-provoking gangsta jam of 8th grade.
151. In This Life - Chantal. One billion movie trailers can't be wrong.
152. Solsbury Hill - Peter Gabriel. Two billion movie trailers can't be wrong.
153. Sorrow - Bad Religion. My religious beliefs identify fairly strongly with the lyrics.
154. Soft Serve - Soul Coughing. What a metaphor.
155. Soul Meets Body - Death Cab for Cutie. It was from "Garden State" I think.
156. Spiderwebs - No Doubt. Like every other dumbass in 1996, I had this as my voice mail intro.
157. Suddenly - Soraya. Reminds me of my cousin's hot friend she brought to Thanksgiving when I was a teenager. I was too shy.
158. Sunday Shining - Finley Quaye. Sounds like Fraggle Rock.
159. Superman - REM. A look inside the minds of 14-year-old comic book obsessives.
160. Swing Low - Hole. Courtney, the chariot needs to swing very low for you.
161. Swing Swing - All American Rejects. Should be played at least once at every baseball game.
162. Take it Off - The Donnas. Even better on "Guitar Hero."
163. Take Me Out - Franz Ferdinand. Great PSP promo song. Shouldn'ta dropped it.
164. Creep - STP. Take time with a wounded hand. Don't know what it means. Don't care.
165. Tangled Up in Me - Skye Sweetnam. Another one non hit no wonder.
166. Teenage Dirtbag - Wheatus. For the longest time I thought it was sung by a chick.
167. Tonight and the Rest of My Life - Nina Gordon. Some jewelry commercial sold me on it. Argh.
168. The Passenger - Iggy Pop. "Waking Life" trailer, baby. "You're a dreamer? Don't see too many of you around lately."
169. Then the Morning Comes - Smash Mouth. Fell in love hard to this one.
170. Think Twice - Eve 6. Overprotective much?
171. These Words - Natasha Bedingfield. Liked it more before I listened to it 10,000 times. Good song about the creative process.
172. This is the Day - Ivy. "Mary" strikes again.
173. Time and Time Again - Chronic Future. CF makes up for the annoying "Scottsdale Brat."
174. What I Am - Edie Brickell. Not as deep as you think, Edie. But deep enough.
175. Tropicalia - Beck. The theme song for overpriced cruises.
176. Underground - Ben Folds Five. High school losers unite.
177. Unpretty - TLC. Their only good song.
178. Video Killed the Radio Star - Presidents. Punk remake bested the original.
179. Waltz for a Night - Julie Delpy. "Before Sunset" is one of the greatest movies.
180. What I Didn't Know - Anthaneum. My apartment neighbor played with my heart.
181. What You Waiting For - Gwen Stefani. Reminds you to get your ass in gear with creative projects before you're too old.
182. Yeah Whatever - Splendor. An anti love song.
183. When I Grow Up - Garbage. I like it more through the eyes of my son.
184. You Get What You Give - New Radicals. Way overplayed, but it's a part of me.
185. Your Woman - White Town. A little too freaky, but steals its beat from the "Star Wars" theme.
186. Youth of the Nation - P.O.D. That other good Christian song.
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Coining a new term: Toison.
You read it here first: From now on, all recalled Chinese death toys will be known as Toison (also spellable as "Toyson." That is all.
Sunday, November 04, 2007
Time keeps on slippin'
The older you get, the faster everything speeds up. The effect is good in a way, because it makes the "This is Our Country" commercials and Arizona Cardinals losses speed by faster, but on the other hand it also makes the things you want to spend a little more time with - like your 20s - vanish all too quickly. I feel like I'm on that amusement park ride that goes in circles faster and faster until I'm pinned up against the side and the bottom drops out and I bite a gash out of the inside of my cheek.
As time continues to speed up and death draws closer, I become more and more convinced that TV sports and video games are a waste of time, and that by spending time staring at a TV in anger over an ultimately meaningless game people a thousand miles away from me are playing, or zoning out with a guitar-shaped controller in my hand, failing for the 30th time in one hour to get pass one song I'll never have a chance of conquering, I'm squandering what little time I've been given. And yet as I age I'm even more drawn to piddling distractions, as if they're safety blankets I grasp and cower under in order to shelter my senses from the inevitable.
And yet none of this is tragedy. Mortality is simply a plot device that adds a little sense of urgency to what would otherwise be an inconsequential, unending existence. Besides, living forever in a world that allows John Mellencamp songs to be played ad nauseum in Chevy commercials wouldn't be worth it. Those Spaniards who looked for the Fountain of Youth were dumbasses. And so was Darren Aronofsky for making that horrible, unintelligible film "The Fountain." You know who I respect, though? Those intrepid souls who cheer for winning NFL teams and are able to pass "Guitar Hero III."
As time continues to speed up and death draws closer, I become more and more convinced that TV sports and video games are a waste of time, and that by spending time staring at a TV in anger over an ultimately meaningless game people a thousand miles away from me are playing, or zoning out with a guitar-shaped controller in my hand, failing for the 30th time in one hour to get pass one song I'll never have a chance of conquering, I'm squandering what little time I've been given. And yet as I age I'm even more drawn to piddling distractions, as if they're safety blankets I grasp and cower under in order to shelter my senses from the inevitable.
And yet none of this is tragedy. Mortality is simply a plot device that adds a little sense of urgency to what would otherwise be an inconsequential, unending existence. Besides, living forever in a world that allows John Mellencamp songs to be played ad nauseum in Chevy commercials wouldn't be worth it. Those Spaniards who looked for the Fountain of Youth were dumbasses. And so was Darren Aronofsky for making that horrible, unintelligible film "The Fountain." You know who I respect, though? Those intrepid souls who cheer for winning NFL teams and are able to pass "Guitar Hero III."
Monday, October 22, 2007
Failure future
I'm disappointed that it's 2007 and we're no closer to the future than we were in 1997 or 1987. And by "future," I'm referring, of course, to "Back to the Future Part II," with its vision that I'm skeptical will actually ever come to exist. The world's scientists and engineers have failed us. Forget flying cars. We're only 8 years away, and we don't even have any hoverboards yet. No moving trash cans, either. The only thing we'll actually have is the sports almanac, but we'll lack the time-traveling De Loreans to make them useful. The best we can do in terms of futuristic travel are the Prius and Segway? Come on.
While I'm on the subject of futility, I must say that it's pointless to battle giant fires humans have no chance of putting out. It's like trying to put out a hurricane, or trying to stop a car by running onto the road and punching it.
While I'm on the subject of futility, I must say that it's pointless to battle giant fires humans have no chance of putting out. It's like trying to put out a hurricane, or trying to stop a car by running onto the road and punching it.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
How do I continue to function?
When the Arizona Cardinals peck my bleeding heart out every single week? Why, Neil Rackers, must you execute such a perfect onside kick to make me think the Cardinals have a shot at winning just after I'd given up hope, only to shank a 55-yard field goal 20 seconds later? Why, Kurt Warner, must you follow up a spectacular come-from-behind touchdown pass with a touchdown pass to a defensive back from the other team? At least I know you won't crush me next week, because you'll be on a bye.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Words to live by
Misfortune favors the bold.
If at first you don't succeed, sue.
"One in the hand is worth two in the bush" would make a good punchline in a porno.
When the going gets tough, the tough get owing.
Look before you leap out of the limo with no underwear on.
No rest for the wicked.
Early to bed and early to rise makes you miss out on the night life.
All work and no play make Jack a successful stock broker.
Cleanliness is next to an OCD diagnosis.
An Apple a day keeps Bill Gates at bay.
Children are meant to be seen, but not on ill-conceived Fox reality shows.
Winning isn't everything, but it will be once they finally get rid of the damn BCS.
You can't buy happiness, but you can borrow it from a payday loan place provided you don't mind the 300 percent interest.
The best things in life are free, but the Wal-Mart DVD value bin is still a damn good deal.
It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you're able to deny afterward that you used performance-enhancing drugs.
Music tames the savage priest.
All kids' toys from China are poison.
If at first you don't succeed, sue.
"One in the hand is worth two in the bush" would make a good punchline in a porno.
When the going gets tough, the tough get owing.
Look before you leap out of the limo with no underwear on.
No rest for the wicked.
Early to bed and early to rise makes you miss out on the night life.
All work and no play make Jack a successful stock broker.
Cleanliness is next to an OCD diagnosis.
An Apple a day keeps Bill Gates at bay.
Children are meant to be seen, but not on ill-conceived Fox reality shows.
Winning isn't everything, but it will be once they finally get rid of the damn BCS.
You can't buy happiness, but you can borrow it from a payday loan place provided you don't mind the 300 percent interest.
The best things in life are free, but the Wal-Mart DVD value bin is still a damn good deal.
It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you're able to deny afterward that you used performance-enhancing drugs.
Music tames the savage priest.
All kids' toys from China are poison.
Sunday, October 07, 2007
No More Interviews
Thanks for sticking around throughout my fake interview phase, which seemed to last forever. I promise it's over now. On to bigger and better things, such as... more fake interviews! Just kidding. No more of those, really. I can totally stop myself from doing them. Watch:
Non-interview: Shrek.
PV: Shrek, I refuse to interview fake people anymore.
S: Damn, I thought I was gonna get some free publicity.
PV: Sorry, it ain't happening.
S: I'm gonna take off then.
PV: Be safe.
See! Man, did that take restraint. Check back next week to see what craziness I've come up with. Tell your friends to come, too. But not your friends' friends, because that would be inappropriate. I'm going to sleep now, blissfully floating in the essence of the Arizona Cardinals' 3-2 record, good for first place in the NFC West. Man, will it be depressing to come back and read this post in December if the Cardinals are 6-10 at that point. But for now I'll just enjoy it.
Non-interview: Shrek.
PV: Shrek, I refuse to interview fake people anymore.
S: Damn, I thought I was gonna get some free publicity.
PV: Sorry, it ain't happening.
S: I'm gonna take off then.
PV: Be safe.
See! Man, did that take restraint. Check back next week to see what craziness I've come up with. Tell your friends to come, too. But not your friends' friends, because that would be inappropriate. I'm going to sleep now, blissfully floating in the essence of the Arizona Cardinals' 3-2 record, good for first place in the NFC West. Man, will it be depressing to come back and read this post in December if the Cardinals are 6-10 at that point. But for now I'll just enjoy it.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Interview: Heathcliff
PV: It's an honor, Heathcliff.
H: The pleasure's all mine.
PV: Thank you for taking the time to do this, but can you do me a favor?
H: Sure, anything.
PV: Be a doll and stay off the couch. Animals aren't allowed there. Allergies.
H: Sure thing, boss. Would you do me a favor and go sodomize yourself?
PV: I don't know how to respond. For one, I'm offended by the notion, and on the other hand I'm not sure that's physically possible.
H: It's a figure of speech, Phil. I was offended that you treated me with the indignity of a common housecat.
PV: You took it the wrong way. I'm just really, really allergic. Like, when cat hair is everywhere, my nose stuffs up and I sneeze constantly and I can't even sleep. It was really just a self-preservation thing. Seriously, I'd never want to condescend to someone as famous and powerful as you, Garfield.
H: What the hell did you just call me?
PV: Garf.... Oh, crap. I mixed up my cartoon cats. I'm always confusing you people.
H: You people?
PV: Uh, you felines. Sorry.
H: That's messed up, dude. I don't think I can forgive you that.
PV: C'mon, man. You can't blame me for an innocent slip of the tongue. After all, Garfield is a little more famous.
H: No way, dude. My comic is totally more popular.
PV: That assertion is dubious at best, but whatever you want to believe. At least Garfield has movies, though.
H: If you can call that dreck "movies." I'd rather toil in anonymity than let Hollywood adapt my life story as a Jennifer Love Hewitt romantic comedy.
PV: Hey, don't knock J-Love. She's the bomb in "Ghost Whisperer." Seen it?
H: Nah, but I hear good things. I'm a cat who prefers TV to movies any day of the week. For instance, my landmark Nickelodeon sitcom.
PV: Oh yeah, I remember that. I used to watch it when the Garfield cartoon was on reruns.
H: OK, stop with all the Garfield references or I will rip your throat out. You wanna see why I have the reputation as being the bad boy of cat-toons? Garfield ain't nothing but a crabby fat boy, always complaining and sleeping. I be from the streets. I live in junkyards and kick ass.
PV: Get real, Gar... I mean Heathcliff. I've read your unauthorized biography. You had a stunt double do all the dangerous stuff.
H: I'm gonna kill Dotson Rader.
PV: Don't talk bad about Parade Magazine's Dotson Rader. He's the man.
H: You're right. Dotson is hardcore.
H: The pleasure's all mine.
PV: Thank you for taking the time to do this, but can you do me a favor?
H: Sure, anything.
PV: Be a doll and stay off the couch. Animals aren't allowed there. Allergies.
H: Sure thing, boss. Would you do me a favor and go sodomize yourself?
PV: I don't know how to respond. For one, I'm offended by the notion, and on the other hand I'm not sure that's physically possible.
H: It's a figure of speech, Phil. I was offended that you treated me with the indignity of a common housecat.
PV: You took it the wrong way. I'm just really, really allergic. Like, when cat hair is everywhere, my nose stuffs up and I sneeze constantly and I can't even sleep. It was really just a self-preservation thing. Seriously, I'd never want to condescend to someone as famous and powerful as you, Garfield.
H: What the hell did you just call me?
PV: Garf.... Oh, crap. I mixed up my cartoon cats. I'm always confusing you people.
H: You people?
PV: Uh, you felines. Sorry.
H: That's messed up, dude. I don't think I can forgive you that.
PV: C'mon, man. You can't blame me for an innocent slip of the tongue. After all, Garfield is a little more famous.
H: No way, dude. My comic is totally more popular.
PV: That assertion is dubious at best, but whatever you want to believe. At least Garfield has movies, though.
H: If you can call that dreck "movies." I'd rather toil in anonymity than let Hollywood adapt my life story as a Jennifer Love Hewitt romantic comedy.
PV: Hey, don't knock J-Love. She's the bomb in "Ghost Whisperer." Seen it?
H: Nah, but I hear good things. I'm a cat who prefers TV to movies any day of the week. For instance, my landmark Nickelodeon sitcom.
PV: Oh yeah, I remember that. I used to watch it when the Garfield cartoon was on reruns.
H: OK, stop with all the Garfield references or I will rip your throat out. You wanna see why I have the reputation as being the bad boy of cat-toons? Garfield ain't nothing but a crabby fat boy, always complaining and sleeping. I be from the streets. I live in junkyards and kick ass.
PV: Get real, Gar... I mean Heathcliff. I've read your unauthorized biography. You had a stunt double do all the dangerous stuff.
H: I'm gonna kill Dotson Rader.
PV: Don't talk bad about Parade Magazine's Dotson Rader. He's the man.
H: You're right. Dotson is hardcore.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Interview: Link
PV: Thanks for meeting me. Man, I can't believe I'm actually sitting here with Link, the pointy-eared hero, guardian of the Triforce and romancer of Princess Zelda. You're a great American.
L: You're a great American.
PV: Whoah. Dude.
L: Whassup, bra?
PV: I didn't know you could talk. In all your games you're solemn and silent. The most you've ever said is "..."
L: No, I'm not quiet in all my games. Just the good ones; you know, the ones made by Nintendo. I talked up a storm in my adventures on the 3DO system. And don't you remember the animated miniseries in which I starred?
PV: Oh yeah! It played during "The Super Mario Bros. Super Show." Your catch phrase was...
L: Excuuuuuse me!
PV: That was so awesome. I have the series on DVD.
L: Would you like me to autograph it for you?
PV: No thanks. It'd be a waste because it's stacked on a shelf and no one would be able to tell it's autographed.
L: Screw you, man. Here I am, a big celebrity trying to do something nice for a plebian fan, and you blow me off like that? You're lucky I don't pull out my ocarina and play a magical song that will cast a curse upon you.
PV: Please. You don't know any Ocarina songs capable of that. The worse you could do is go back in time or make it rain for a few seconds.
L: Oh yeah? Oh YEAH? Well I've got a sword. I could slash you to bits.
PV: No, Link, you do not have a sword. You always lose them for some reason after you finish saving the princess, and are stuck swordless at the beginning of your next quest, needing to either find a new one from an old guy in a cave or complete a number of irritating fetch quests in order to barter for a blade from the town blacksmith.
L: You're forgetting that sometimes I find one in a forgotten treasure chest in my home.
PV: Be that as it may, the point is you've got no weapons and thus pose no threat to me. You just can't keep a sword. Maybe that's why Zelda keeps getting "captured" by Gannon. You lack a long, hard thing that could give her pleasure.
L: You are!
PV: What?
L: I don't know. At least I'm a famous video game star! You're nothing but a loser.
PV: At least I've had sex.
L: Your mother!
PV: What? Link, you're such a spaz. Whatever dude. Now I can see why Nintendo doesn't let you talk. You're incapable of saying anything worthwhile.
L: You're a great American.
PV: Whoah. Dude.
L: Whassup, bra?
PV: I didn't know you could talk. In all your games you're solemn and silent. The most you've ever said is "..."
L: No, I'm not quiet in all my games. Just the good ones; you know, the ones made by Nintendo. I talked up a storm in my adventures on the 3DO system. And don't you remember the animated miniseries in which I starred?
PV: Oh yeah! It played during "The Super Mario Bros. Super Show." Your catch phrase was...
L: Excuuuuuse me!
PV: That was so awesome. I have the series on DVD.
L: Would you like me to autograph it for you?
PV: No thanks. It'd be a waste because it's stacked on a shelf and no one would be able to tell it's autographed.
L: Screw you, man. Here I am, a big celebrity trying to do something nice for a plebian fan, and you blow me off like that? You're lucky I don't pull out my ocarina and play a magical song that will cast a curse upon you.
PV: Please. You don't know any Ocarina songs capable of that. The worse you could do is go back in time or make it rain for a few seconds.
L: Oh yeah? Oh YEAH? Well I've got a sword. I could slash you to bits.
PV: No, Link, you do not have a sword. You always lose them for some reason after you finish saving the princess, and are stuck swordless at the beginning of your next quest, needing to either find a new one from an old guy in a cave or complete a number of irritating fetch quests in order to barter for a blade from the town blacksmith.
L: You're forgetting that sometimes I find one in a forgotten treasure chest in my home.
PV: Be that as it may, the point is you've got no weapons and thus pose no threat to me. You just can't keep a sword. Maybe that's why Zelda keeps getting "captured" by Gannon. You lack a long, hard thing that could give her pleasure.
L: You are!
PV: What?
L: I don't know. At least I'm a famous video game star! You're nothing but a loser.
PV: At least I've had sex.
L: Your mother!
PV: What? Link, you're such a spaz. Whatever dude. Now I can see why Nintendo doesn't let you talk. You're incapable of saying anything worthwhile.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Interview: Punky Brewster
PV: Hi, Punky. You don't seem anything like I expected you to be.
PB: What do you mean?
PV: Well, when your show was big back in the mid 1980s, we were the same age, so I expected you to be in your late 20s or early 30s now. But you're so small and, how shall I put this...
PB: Animated?
PV: Yeah, animated. You look like a cartoon.
PB: That's because I am a cartoon, silly! I'm the Punky from the spinoff cartoon show.
PV: There was a cartoon of "Punky Brewster?"
PB: Of course! My friends Cherie, Alan and Margaux were there, and so was my Yoda-knockoff buddy from the rainbow dimension, Glomer!
PV: Oh, it's all coming back to me now. How could I forget such a pandering product of 80s cheeseballosity like Glomer?
PB: There ya go. Punky Power!
PV: I hate to break it to you, Punky, but the cartoon was awful. Probably the reason I had forgotten about it is I'd blocked it from my memory. Too traumatic to recall.
PB: You've got a bad attitude, mister. Sounds like you need to spend a day with me. I have a way of lifting people's spirits right off the ground every time they turn around.
PV: I guess you're right. You even managed to cheer up your foster parent, cranky ol' Henry Warnimont.
PB: You betcha!
PV: But it wouldn't last. Each episode you'd teach Henry some sort of lesson and get him all cheered up, seeing the brighter side of life and all that good stuff. But then a week would pass and he'd be all pissed off and hating life once again, and you'd just have to repeat the process.
PB: That's because Henry was chronically depressed, silly goose! He was on suicide watch during shooting. If not for me, he would have blown his pathetic brains out years ago!
PV: Now, now, Punky. That's not very nice to say.
PB: But it's the truth, and as Ahmad Rashad taught me, it's always best to tell the truth!
PV: I thought his character taught you that it's always right to avoid stealing ties as Christmas present and then framing your teachers for the theft?
PB: That too. Ahmad taught me many things.
PV: Yeah, me as well. He co-hosted "NBA Inside Stuff" and diagrammed Magic Johnson's fast break. Didn't you just love that show?
PB: Well, since I was a cartoon, I didn't watch much sports on TV, so I'll just have to take your word for it.
PV: You do that.
PB: What do you mean?
PV: Well, when your show was big back in the mid 1980s, we were the same age, so I expected you to be in your late 20s or early 30s now. But you're so small and, how shall I put this...
PB: Animated?
PV: Yeah, animated. You look like a cartoon.
PB: That's because I am a cartoon, silly! I'm the Punky from the spinoff cartoon show.
PV: There was a cartoon of "Punky Brewster?"
PB: Of course! My friends Cherie, Alan and Margaux were there, and so was my Yoda-knockoff buddy from the rainbow dimension, Glomer!
PV: Oh, it's all coming back to me now. How could I forget such a pandering product of 80s cheeseballosity like Glomer?
PB: There ya go. Punky Power!
PV: I hate to break it to you, Punky, but the cartoon was awful. Probably the reason I had forgotten about it is I'd blocked it from my memory. Too traumatic to recall.
PB: You've got a bad attitude, mister. Sounds like you need to spend a day with me. I have a way of lifting people's spirits right off the ground every time they turn around.
PV: I guess you're right. You even managed to cheer up your foster parent, cranky ol' Henry Warnimont.
PB: You betcha!
PV: But it wouldn't last. Each episode you'd teach Henry some sort of lesson and get him all cheered up, seeing the brighter side of life and all that good stuff. But then a week would pass and he'd be all pissed off and hating life once again, and you'd just have to repeat the process.
PB: That's because Henry was chronically depressed, silly goose! He was on suicide watch during shooting. If not for me, he would have blown his pathetic brains out years ago!
PV: Now, now, Punky. That's not very nice to say.
PB: But it's the truth, and as Ahmad Rashad taught me, it's always best to tell the truth!
PV: I thought his character taught you that it's always right to avoid stealing ties as Christmas present and then framing your teachers for the theft?
PB: That too. Ahmad taught me many things.
PV: Yeah, me as well. He co-hosted "NBA Inside Stuff" and diagrammed Magic Johnson's fast break. Didn't you just love that show?
PB: Well, since I was a cartoon, I didn't watch much sports on TV, so I'll just have to take your word for it.
PV: You do that.
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