Sunday, November 26, 2006


It's time we all stop and recognize that conductors do absolutely nothing. No one in a marching band or orchestra ever looks at the hands-waving jackasses who have no musical talent of their own. All musicians secretly hate conductors, who stand on platforms, call attention to themselves and take all the credit. I know this because I'm a musical expert, having played the trumpet in fourth grade.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Interview: Mario Mario

PV: Your first and last names are the same. That's pretty cool.

MM: Yes, indeedy, thank-a you. It's-a easy to remember. And mia memory, it's-a not so good. These-a years of hitting blocks with my head - they-a leave me with many concussions.

PV: Oh yeah? I thought you were smashing them with your fist the whole time.

MM: That's-a not so. But it's-a good idea. As good as a plate of my momma's canolies.

PV: I see your company is releasing the Wii. A great new system, eh?

MM: I'm-a not-a so excited. There's-a no Mario game for this-a new system.

PV: But "The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess" is out. That's pretty cool.

MM: No, it's-a not. This Link, he's a prima donna. I hate him.

PV: Oh, come on now, Mario. Don't get all jealous. Learn to share the spotlight with a co-star.

MM: Screw-a you-a. It's-a Mario you're-a talking to. I-a no even share the spotlight with my brother, Luigi.

PV: That's pretty cold. Poor Luigi has always been forced into the sidekick role. He had better powers than you in "Super Mario Bros. 2" though.

MM: It's-a the truth. I-a had no powers in that game.

PV: Neither did Toad.

MM: At least-a Toad could pick vegetables fast and wouldn't slow-a down when-a he was carrying them.

PV: Why do you talk like that?

MM: Like-a what?

PV: Like a Japanese idea of an Italian-American stereotype, adding -a after every other word.

MM: What you say? I'm-a from Brooklyn. It's-a Mario who-a thinks you talk-a funny.

PV: But I just talk normal.

MM: No. I-a no understand-a what you say. I-a talk normal.

PV: Fine, dude, whatever.

MM: No-a say whatever to me. I-a have you whacked.

PV: Now, now, Mario. There's another Italian stereotype - the assumed mob connection. You and I both know that you're no Soprano.

MM: You-a see when-a you wake up to see a horsehead-a tucked into-a your bed.

PV: That doesn't really happen. You got that from "Godfather."

MM: By the name-a of Mussolini, I shall-a have you killed.

PV: Oh, come on now. No one likes Mussolini, least of all Italians. He was a fascist who drove the country into the ground.

MM: (Talking regularly) The jig is up, I guess. It's true. I have no idea what it's like to be Italian. The Nintendo programmers just make me talk with fake accents and play into igorant stereotypes. I'd like to take this opportunity to advertise to not only the Italian American community, but the world at large for my malfeasance.

PV: You're a big guy, Mario. I have a newfound respect for you.

MM: This-a newfound respect, you remember it when-a "Super Mario Galaxy" comes-a out next year for the Wii, eh?

PV: As long as I'm finished with Zelda by then. Those games are better than yours.

MM: Fair-a enough.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Interview: Captain Planet

PV: Hello, Captain. It's great that you could find time in your busy schedule to do some press. You don't usually do interviews.

CP: Captain Planet hates the press. The press wastes trees.

PV: Newspapers do, but this is for the Internet. The Internet doesn't waste anything.

CP: Why yes it does (stifles chuckle). It wastes time! Hahahaha!

PV: That's such a great joke, Captain, that I'm gonna print it out and pass it around everywhere I go.

CP: Noooooooooooooo! Do you realize how many trees will die just so you can spread my superpowered humor? It's not worth it, my friend. Please recycle your objectives into a more resourceful pastime.

PV: I always admired the way you incorporated environmentalist buzzwords into mundane speech. You know, I used to feel all guilty about the environment, but it's tough to care anymore. I mean, there's nothing I can do to stop them from cutting down the rain forest. And besides, I'm sure the tree-cutters have a good reason to do what they're doing.

CP: Don't talk like that! Alone you might not be able to stop our world-destroying ways, but together we can make a difference? Don't you remember my show?

PV: Not really. It's been a long time, man,

CP: Well you should rewatch it. It's available on... uh... VHS.

PV: Oh great. Is it on Beta, too? How about Laserdisc? And can I pick up the soundtrack on a phonograph maybe? Send me a telegram if you see any Captain Planet VHS tapes available.

CP: I sense your sarcasm, fiend. Watch your mouth lest I call upon the four elements to smite you.

PV: Yeah, yeah. You do that. You know, there are some rumors going around about you. Is it true that you masturbate to "Ferngully the Last Rainforest?"

CP: Yeah. Can't blame me. The chick in there is hot.

PV: Yeah, she is (offers hand to Captain Planet for high five). Krysta the fairy gots it going on.

CP: (Pretends like he'll give a high-five, then pulls back his hand to slick back his hair.)

PV: So that's why your hair is green. You must pick your nose and run it through your hair, like the old joke me and my friends used to tell when we were 9.

CP: No. NOOO! I totally don't do that. My hair is only green as a symbol of my environmentalistic ways. Don't you know that? Green means environmentally friendly. Green Party. GreenPeace. Green Day. Green eggs... and... ham. OK, OK, ya got me. I do pick my nose and wipe it through my hair. Is that so wrong? Otherwise I'm a good person. I use ethanol. I avoid spraying aerosol. I don't read the newspaper.

PV: It's OK. Calm down, Captain. Here, have one of my sodas.

CP: Thanks. (drinks soda)

PV: I hope that soda tastes good, Captain Planet. Do you realize it came from a six-pack, with one of those plastic holders that's been known to finds its way into the ocean and choke baby birds!

CP: Nooooo! (picks nose and slides hand through green hair).