Sunday, July 29, 2007

Interview: Joe Camel

PV: I can't quite put my finger on it, Joe, but there's something compelling about you.

JC: It must be that I'm a cartoon meant to appeal to the immature and easily suggestion-prone!

PV: You know, that's it! Boy, do I wish I were smoking that special blend of Turkish and Virginia tobacco.

JC: You know what they say: To err is human. To smoke Camel cigarettes, divine.

PV: Who says that?

JC: The Camel P.R. people.

PV: And I can dig it.

JC: You know, people give me a bad rap for trying to get kids to buy my product, but what the hell? We all gotta die someday, right?

PV: Yeah, and old age is overrated anyway. Who wants to live to be 80 if you're some uncool stick in the mud who never got to light up? And you have to worry about having enough money for retirement and all. Yuk. Throat cancer totally does you a favor.

JC: And what a pathetic life it is, that of a nonsmoker. I can't imagine what it must be like to go all your years without the smooth, full taste of filtered Camel enjoyment.

PV: I heard that.

JC: The media lefties also get on us for exploiting China. What's the problem with that? There are too many people in China anyway.

PV: Yeah, their government even admits as much, with that law forcing people to have no more than one kid.

JC: Tobacco manufacturers deserve credit from the Chinese government for doing what they can to help keep the population down.

PV: And now they're passing all these laws. First they banned smoking in airplanes, but now they're not even letting people light up in restaurants and bars. They won't even let you advertise on TV or in kiddie magazines!

JC: I see it as a violation of our constitutional rights. But rest assured, our lobbyists are constantly lining the pockets of legislators insuring that harsher measures aren't passed. We wouldn't want anything crazy to happen, like outlawing cigarette vending machines or setting up harsh penalties for kids who use fake IDs to buy our product.

PV: Joe, I have to tell you, I've never smoked, I hate smoking and I think what you do is despicable. I was only pretending to be a fan in order to get you to reveal incriminating information about the way you and your entire industry operate.

JC: Uh, I, uh don't know what to say.

PV: Aw, how can I stay mad at you? You're nothing more than a cute, lovable camel! I apologize.

JC: Apology accepted. Now let's go out and smoke a pack together. It's never too late to start!

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Interview: Kid Icarus

PV: So what's your real name, anyway? Pit or Kid Icarus.

KI: My birth certificate says Pit, but my game was called Kid Icarus and my friends call me Flyboy. Call me Kid Icarus.

PV: Does that mean we're not friends?

KI: I don't have any friends anymore. It's funny. You start out successful and everyone flocks around you, but if your game doesn't get any sequels they all forget about you. That's just how our celebrity-obsessed culture is.

PV: Sounds kind of sad. So what have you been doing with your time?

KI: I've been keeping busy. My agent got me a co-starring gig in "Captain N: The Game Master," and I've nabbed a few cameos here and there.

PV: Right, like in old-school "Tetris" when you pop out on the ledge at the end of the level and play an instrument.

KI: Yeah, that and I'm also in "Super Smash Bros. Brawl" for the Wii. That kind of thing gives me some extra scratch. Not that I really need the money. I have the ability to fly, so I can steal a lot of shit easily whenever I need it.

PV: Say it ain't so, Kid Icarus! You've turned to a life of crime?

KI: Hey, I do what I gotta do. Don't try and get all sanctimonious on me. You've stolen things too. Remember Napster?

PV: Uh, that wasn't me. It was my roommate.

KI: Sure it was. You'd better hope that holds up in court when Metallica finally gets around to suing your ass.

PV: But I was innocent! Everyone was doing it! It was before iTunes!

KI: I'm not trying to make any moral judgments on you. I'm just getting you to see things my way. You stole music because you had easy access. My wings give me the same thing. If you had them you'd be just as much of a criminal as I am.

PV: No I wouldn't! I'd use my powers for good. I'd hop from platform to platform and shoot arrows at Medusa's heads.

KI: Trust me, Phil. I've seen you play - or at least try to play my game. You'd die 25 times on the first level and then give up for 20 years.

PV: Hey, ct me a break. I was a little kid. I downloaded your game on the Wii and I did much better.

KI: No you didn't. You died three times and then gave up again.

PV: But I got farther... Hey! How would you know about any of that anyway?

KI: Duh. I'm the guy in the game. I know everything.

PV: No, you're just a vain stalker. You fly into peoples' houses to watch them play your game, don't you?

KI: That too.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Interview: Little Mac

PV: Little Mac, I've got to say you were a hero of mine growing up. You made 8-year-olds everywhere feel like they could knock out Mike Tyson with a series of leaping counter-punches.

LM: It was a great win at the time, but...

PV: Yeah, Nowadays pretty much anybody can and does kick Mike Tyson's ass. To be honest, I think it was you who first cracked his sheen of invulnerability. Once people saw take him down, it gave everyone else hope and it sort of had Mike doubting himself. You cleared the way for Buster Douglas. Pretty soon after Tyson was in jail and you were tangling with his half-hearted replacement, Mr. Dream.

LM: I did what I could. Tyson liked to talk a lot of shit, but I put him in his place. I had a good run there for a while. To be honest with you it was all my fans. I was pretty much an inanimate collection of pixels and 8-bit processor code. It was finger speed and timing that turned me into a champion.

PV: Not to mention those training runs Doc Louis used to take you on.

LM: Yeah, Doc worked me hard. He'd roll up to my apartment in the middle of the night with that bike of his, and I'd be all groggy, throwing the first sweatshirt I could find so I could go out and follow him on runs.

PV: So that explains why you wore a pink sweatshirt.

LM: Yeah, I wouldn't even turn on the lights so I just grabbed any old thing.

PV: But tell me this, Little Mac. Why was it that you had a pink hoodie in the first place?

LM: It, uh... used to be red but faded because I sweated through it and it bled out the color.

PV: I see. I have some red shirts that I run in and that didn't happen with them.

LM: Right. Yours were probably made in the last 10 years. Back in the 80s the dyes weren't as strong. Really, I would never buy pink clothing. I'm totally masculine, dude.

PV: Well, not totally.

LM: What? Don't tell me you're about to rag on me about wearing a tanktop in the ring. Doc made me wear that so I'd have extra protection. Do you remember how big those guys were?

PV: They were pretty damn big. But you have to admit, a lot of your wins came against mediocre competition, to put it kindly. I mean Glass Joe? He only had one win in 100 fights, and that was due to a disqualification. Von Kaiser must be German for "tomato can." And who can forget that ludicrous bout with Don Flamenco in which he threw one punch and then sat there with his mouth open when you unleashed a series of 50 left-right combos to floor him within 38 seconds.

LM: Hey, I fought whoever they threw in front of me. I didn't negotiate the contracts. You gotta admit I survived a few wars. Soda Popinski? Super Macho Man? They were animals.

PV: I still have nightmares about Super Macho Man's jiggling breasts of victory.

LM: And Bald Bull and his bull charge. What power and intimidation.

PV: Especially in the second bout, when he wouldn't go down unless you threw an uppercut or slugged him in the stomach during the charge.

LM: And Great Tiger, when he used that magic to float around the ring in circles.

PV: Come on, Little Mac. That wasn't so tough. All you had to do was just block a few times, then he'd stand there stunned, having some sort of eye seizure until you smacked him in the turban.

LM: So tell me about your career nowadays? What's next for Little Mac?

LM: Well, I've done pretty well for myself. I've got a comeback match lined up with Evander Holyfield - the winner of that gets to fight Tonmmy Morrison at the Tennessee state fair.

PV: Really, at your age? You oughta be careful.

LM: Hey, I'm only 39. Rocky Balboa is in his 60s and he's still throwing hurtin' bombs.

PV: "Rocky Balboa" was just a movie, Little Mac. Video games are real life.

LM: Don't count me out, man. Actually, do count me out, because I relish the role as an underdog.

PV: I think you're just unnecessarily risking your health in a desperate grab for your former glory.

LM: I'm doing OK. I'm still big in the gaming world.

PV: Oh yeah? I thought you'd retired from that scene. I saw you didn't even make the cut in the sequel, "Super Punch Out" back in '94.

LM: Um, yeah... That was because of my agent. But I am the star of Wii Sports boxing.

PV: I hate to break this to you, bro, but you're not in every copy of that game. Just in mine, because I made a Mii that crudely looks like you and named it "Little Mac."

LM: Hmm. But I still get royalties, right?

PV: Sure, I'll give you ten bucks.

LM: Thank you. Boy do I need the money.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Interview: Oscar the Grouch

PV: So, Oscar, why are you so grouchy?

OTG: Are you freaking kidding me? That's the dumbest question I ever heard. Why do you think? For one, PBS doesn't pay me, so I'm forced to live in this damn garbage can. I'm surrounded by morons who are happy for no reason, and I've always got a camera in my face. How happy would you be in my situation?

PV: Sorry, man. I didn't mean anything by it. Just trying to make conversation.

OTG: Hey, I'm sorry. It's just that life sucks and tend to lash out at those around me.

PV: Sounds counterproductive.

OTG: You're telling me. It's just a neverending spiral of depression, and probably why my wife left me.

PV: Divorced, huh? I never realized you were married. Who was the lucky bride?

OTG: Liz Taylor.

PV: Good job, man. She had it going on back in the day.

OTG: This was last year.

PV: Ouch.

OTG: Yeah, I know. We were drunk and in Vegas. One thing kinda led to another, and now I'm stuck with a monthly alimony payment.

PV: You're paying Liz Taylor alimony? How does that work? She's gotta be far more wealthy than you, right?

OTG: What can I say, she's got some killer lawyers and I defended myself in divorce court because I didn't trust anyone else to do the work for me.

PV: Sounds like you would have been better off with Elmo as your lawyer.

OTG: Ha ha. Very funny. I hate that prick. He's the one Liz left me for.

PV: I had no idea Liz Taylor was so into Sesame Street. Bizarre.

OTG: What are you trying to say? Is there something wrong with marrying a muppet? You humans and your superiority complexes.

PV: It's not that I think we're better. It's just that I'd never heard of puppets getting married to former movie stars before.

OTG: Sure, backpedal it up, you racist bastard. I oughta get Al Sharpton on your ass.

PV: Please don't. He'll probably get me fired from my job, and I need the paycheck.

OTG: You're breaking my heart. Tell you what. Find me a half-eaten pizza or a loaf of moldy bread and we'll call it even. I'm hungry.

PV: No deal, Oscar. That's extortion.

OTG: Well how about I jump out of this can and kick your ass then?

PV: Oscar, you and I both know you never leave that can.

OTG: Ya got me.