Interview: Joe Camel

PV: I can't quite put my finger on it, Joe, but there's something compelling about you.

JC: It must be that I'm a cartoon meant to appeal to the immature and easily suggestion-prone!

PV: You know, that's it! Boy, do I wish I were smoking that special blend of Turkish and Virginia tobacco.

JC: You know what they say: To err is human. To smoke Camel cigarettes, divine.

PV: Who says that?

JC: The Camel P.R. people.

PV: And I can dig it.

JC: You know, people give me a bad rap for trying to get kids to buy my product, but what the hell? We all gotta die someday, right?

PV: Yeah, and old age is overrated anyway. Who wants to live to be 80 if you're some uncool stick in the mud who never got to light up? And you have to worry about having enough money for retirement and all. Yuk. Throat cancer totally does you a favor.

JC: And what a pathetic life it is, that of a nonsmoker. I can't imagine what it must be like to go all your years without the smooth, full taste of filtered Camel enjoyment.

PV: I heard that.

JC: The media lefties also get on us for exploiting China. What's the problem with that? There are too many people in China anyway.

PV: Yeah, their government even admits as much, with that law forcing people to have no more than one kid.

JC: Tobacco manufacturers deserve credit from the Chinese government for doing what they can to help keep the population down.

PV: And now they're passing all these laws. First they banned smoking in airplanes, but now they're not even letting people light up in restaurants and bars. They won't even let you advertise on TV or in kiddie magazines!

JC: I see it as a violation of our constitutional rights. But rest assured, our lobbyists are constantly lining the pockets of legislators insuring that harsher measures aren't passed. We wouldn't want anything crazy to happen, like outlawing cigarette vending machines or setting up harsh penalties for kids who use fake IDs to buy our product.

PV: Joe, I have to tell you, I've never smoked, I hate smoking and I think what you do is despicable. I was only pretending to be a fan in order to get you to reveal incriminating information about the way you and your entire industry operate.

JC: Uh, I, uh don't know what to say.

PV: Aw, how can I stay mad at you? You're nothing more than a cute, lovable camel! I apologize.

JC: Apology accepted. Now let's go out and smoke a pack together. It's never too late to start!