Tuesday, May 31, 2011

I Am Glad Canada Is Getting Its Hockey Team Back

Good job on swiping that Atlanta Thrashers, Winnipeg. Hockey belongs in Canada and not in the Deep South. Actually, maybe you could have moved the team even further north, such as the North Pole. And maybe you could have brought all the other teams with you.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Review: The Hangover: Part II

Reunion movies, which exist only to reunite main characters from good movies so they can try to recapture the lightning that has long left the bottle, are almost always destined to fail. This is so for the same reason that your high school reunion sucked, and the Facts of Life reunion show wasn’t quite what you were hoping it would be.

But rules are made to be broken, and The Hangover: Part II is made to break rules. I won’t bother explaining any of the jokes in the movie, not because I don’t want to spoil them, but because I doubt my ability to justify my laughter at ugly, mean and stupid jokes that are still clever enough to catch me off guard and crack me up. The movie embraces its wrongness and willingness to offend on as many levels as possible to such a degree that you just have to sit back and marvel at the high wire act. The act I’m referring to is one in which the metaphorical goal is not to stay on the high wire, but to face-plant off of it and splatter the audience with blood and an assortment of bodily fluids. That’s The Hangover: Part II.

The interesting thing about the movie is how lazy it is, refusing to deviate a single beat from the drunken mystery plot it established in the first movie. Think of a favorite drunk friend who likes to tell the same story over and over again. You hang out with the guy and he insists on telling the story again and again, and it stays funny, not only to him but you. That’s The Hangover: Part II.

The movie basically tries to bore you, put has so much raw talent on hand, in terms of actors and writing, that it’s funny in spite of itself. Too many scenes are spent forcing characters to acknowledge that they’re repeating their idiocy of the first movie, forced to piece together a night gone wrong after they wake up following a blackout. Too much time is spent ratcheting up false drama about whether or not the insane mysteries will be solved, and too many red herrings try to throw you off and make you think that characters who will definitely appear again have disappeared forever. Plus, there’s a monkey, which just reeks of desperation. That’s The Hangover: Part II.

There is but one goal of the movie, though, and it accomplishes it with just about as much success as the first Hangover: Be funny. The movie made me laugh so hard, so often that I could hardly collect my thoughts, nor wish that I could. Ed Helms is too perfect a square, Bradley Cooper is too self-assured in his self loathing and Zach Galifianakis is too wild a wildcard to let the humorous energy stop from bouncing off the walls. The guys could make 12 more of these movies, do just as well every time and get audiences to laugh and laugh at themselves for laughing. That’s a lot of laughing, and that’s The Hangover: Part II.

Starring Ed Helms, Bradley Cooper, Zach Galifianakis and Ken Jeong. Written by Craig Mazin, Scot Armstrong and Todd Phillips. Directed by Phillips. Rated R. 102 minutes.

Like this review? Buy my book.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

The Perils Of Playing L.A. Noire

The game is pretty passive-aggressive with its post-case evaluations. This is one I got after I arrested the wrong Black Dahlia murder dude:

"You should have looked in the traschcan for a screwdriver. Now the Black Dahlia dude killed your grandma and you don't exist. Have fun disappearing like Marty McFly."

The worst part is the game doesn't allow you to go back from a previous save to re-do the case unless you start over from the beginning. So now thanks to my inability to play a video game properly I'm disappearing right now as I type thi

Monday, May 23, 2011

Talky restaurant owners

Why do restaurant owners think you like it when they barge in and interrupt you when you're trying to eat, just to fish for compliments?

Do they do it just to mess with people? Interrupting conversations or accosting you right as they see your mouth is full?

You are not Rocky Balboa. This is not the movie Rocky Balboa. You don't have any cool stories of how you beat Mr. T. Get out of my face so I can eat.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Sports Show

Is incredible. It gets better each week, and Norm Macdonald is every bit the comic genius he was a decade and a half ago. His new show is something special, like Chappelle's Show, that's just too good to last, so you just know you need to appreciate it while it's there.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

My Solution To The Healthcare Crisis

Is to get the government to declare the entire country to be a workplace, so if anyone gets hurt, they get workman's comp and all treatment is free.

Sure, we may not have the money to do this. But then again, we don't have the money to do anything that we do, so why not throw this in as well?

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

The Lyrics To Adele's Rolling In The Deep Chorus

The song is playing nonstop in my brain, and here is what the chorus sounds like:

The stars of your love

They leave me breakfast

I can't help feeling

We could have had it allllllllll

(Never gonna miss you, never had maps too)

Rolling in the deeeeeep

(Jesus played God of War, rolling in the deep)

You had my heart insiiiiiiiiiiiide of your head

(Never gonna miss you, never had maps too)

And you paid it to the deeean, yeah.

(Jesus played God of War, rolling in the deep)

Monday, May 16, 2011

Books I Have Not Read But Have Probably Pretended In Conversation At Some Point That I Had Read

Animal Farm
Anna Karenina
Fight Club

Pretty much any important book that there's a movie of is a viable candidate for this list. Although I have read a surprising amount of books that became movies, including all three of The Lord of the Rings, which were incredibly boring.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

5 Advantages Of Your Wife Tearing Her ACL While Playing Volleyball

As long as you stay out of crutch range, she cannot smack you when you make a joke she doesn't like.

She cannot go out shopping and spend all your money.

She has something to complain about other than you.

Five Guys for dinner on a Wednesday night is no longer a lofty dream, but a realistic possibility.

She will finally want to share in your passion of sitting around and doing as little as possible while watching movies.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011


I am going to invent a social network that allows only me as its member. It will be called PhilSpaceSterBook and I will spam the hell out of myself with friend requests, event announcements, and invitations to play the game PhilVille.

The network will allow me to keep track of all my developments and tag myself in embarrassing pictures I wasn't aware existed. I will most likely unfriend myself due to my abuse of PhilSpace, and may even report myself to administrators.

I'm hoping this thing takes off and allows me to cash in for millions or even billions. But before that happens I will be sure to screw over my partner, who of course is also myself, forcing him to sign over all his shares to me. Eventually I will probably sue myself because of this cruel betrayal, but I will be able to pay myself off with a settlement and resume making more and more money with ads and whatnot.

Anyway, I'm taking investments, so let me know if you want in.

Monday, May 09, 2011

Coming To A Laser Hologram Theater Near You

Inspired by Thor, my 4 year old son has announced the first two films he'll direct. The first movie will be called Creatures of Dino Dan: Marvel vs. Capcom 10, and will star Dino Dan (a dinosaur-man creature he invented), as well as Godzilla, the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters, the Ghostbusters themselves, Thor, Green Lantern, Iron Man, Og (Which calls Joker when he becomes a giant after ingesting Bane's venom drug) and Captain America.

He said after that movie he and his preschool friends, who will help him make his films, he will make Dawn of Dino Dan: Marvel vs. Capcom 10, which I assume will be a prequel, and will star "all the same guys." He said no girls other than his mother will be allowed to watch the movies, because they would have nightmares for months and months.

Don't expect these movies to hit theaters for a while, if for no other reason than all the time it will take to work out all the intellectual property rights involved with the characters.

Thursday, May 05, 2011

My Stand-Up Routine

(I will pause for laughter in between each of these one-liners.)

Black people are different than white people.

Marriage is difficult.

Women think about and react to things in ways men do not.

Airplane food is low-quality.

Television and movies exaggerate stuff from real life.

My boss is difficult to work with.

There are some unconventional things that most people like that I do not.

My kids say things that adults would never say.

Something abnormal happened to me once while I was engaging in sexual intercourse.

I do not enjoy it when my mother in law lives in my house for a month.

Poor people like me were raised differently than rich people.

My parents used harsher discipline methods on me than I do for my own kids.

Again. Black people are different than white people.

Wednesday, May 04, 2011

Review: Something Borrowed

From OK:

Usually Kate Hudson’s appearance in the cast is a sparkly-lip-glossed kiss of death for a romantic comedy. Reading off her filmography causes me physical pain. Bride Wars. Alex & Emma. How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. Raising Helen.

When you have to go back to You, Me and Dupree as evidence that not all Kate Hudson romcoms are garbage, you’re talking box office poison with cyanide-like potency.

And the thing is, it’s never her fault that her movies are so bad. To the contrary, she’s usually the only force that makes a movie watchable. If glitter were made into a human form, it would be Kate Hudson. She leaves imaginary trails of stardust wherever she walks, and her smile can case planes to crash with laser pointer like efficiency. Too bad her agent seems to choose her movies by dartboard.

Luckily, Something Borrowed is every bit as good as You, Me and Dupree. Which is to say it’s perfectly enjoyable while you’re in the theater and so forgettable as soon as you walk out that you’ll need to look it up on IMDB afterward to confirm that the movie actually exists.

Based on a novel by Chick Lit Master Overlord Emily Giffin, the movie may be as predictable as a Madonna marriage, but it’s blessed by enough magnetism from the cast that it’s easy to pretend you’re actually worried about how things will turn out.

Rachel is a Poindexterish, movie-ugly (meaning hotter than 98 percent of the population but not as hot as an aging Kate Hudson) lawyer played by Ginnifer Goodwin who is all sad panda that her bestie, Darcy (Kate Hudson), is about to marry Most Boring Man Alive (Colin Egglesfield), whom Rachel has always secretly loved oh so hard.

There’s also Jim From The Office – that’s the guy’s real name, according to the long-form birth certificate he showed Donald Trump last week – who is Darcy’s platonic buddy who just goes around doing Jim things, such as looking superior to people when they say dumb or inappropriate things. Jim would be the best part of the movie, if not for Hudson, who is somehow even more attractive now that her looks are fading and she’s starting to look semi-attainable. I rooted for Rachel to break up the marriage mainly because I wanted Darcy single, which I’m sure is what Giffin intended back when she thought this whole thing up.

The excellent supporting cast also includes Ashley Williams as Jim’s psycho, pathetic hanger-on, and Steve Howey as a bro-tastic womanizer who tried to insta-seduce everything on the screen, especially the women.

Something Borrowed accomplishes that all-too-elusive task – it made me like it against my will and despite my biases, and it made me like that I liked it. I enjoyed its walk of shame, and can’t wait for its projected sequel, Something Blue, in which Kate Hudson will be older, less attractive, and thus even hotter.

Starring Ginnifer Goodwin, Kate Hudson, John Krasinski and Colin Egglesfield. Written by Jennie Snider, based on the book by Emily Giffin. Directed by Luke Greenfield. Rated PG-13. 110 minutes.

Tuesday, May 03, 2011

That Dream Where You're Back In High School

When I dream that I'm back in high school, I'm not a teenager. I'm whatever age I actually am when I have the dream, and my dream brain rationalizes a perfectly-fine-at-the-time explanation as to why I'm there.

As I advance deeper into my 30s, it becomes more difficult to justify my presence. Last night the reasoning was that I had gotten a job without adequate training, so I had to go back to high school to pick up whatever training I was missing. As I sat in class, I realized that I was older than my blue-wigged teacher, and decided I would write a post about how odd it was for a high school student to be older than his own teacher.

Then I woke up and actually did that. Sorta.

Monday, May 02, 2011

A News Report

Sources tell me that Osama bin Laden was killed. That is all. As you were.

Breaking: here is actual footage.