Sunday, November 05, 2006

Interview: Captain Planet

PV: Hello, Captain. It's great that you could find time in your busy schedule to do some press. You don't usually do interviews.

CP: Captain Planet hates the press. The press wastes trees.

PV: Newspapers do, but this is for the Internet. The Internet doesn't waste anything.

CP: Why yes it does (stifles chuckle). It wastes time! Hahahaha!

PV: That's such a great joke, Captain, that I'm gonna print it out and pass it around everywhere I go.

CP: Noooooooooooooo! Do you realize how many trees will die just so you can spread my superpowered humor? It's not worth it, my friend. Please recycle your objectives into a more resourceful pastime.

PV: I always admired the way you incorporated environmentalist buzzwords into mundane speech. You know, I used to feel all guilty about the environment, but it's tough to care anymore. I mean, there's nothing I can do to stop them from cutting down the rain forest. And besides, I'm sure the tree-cutters have a good reason to do what they're doing.

CP: Don't talk like that! Alone you might not be able to stop our world-destroying ways, but together we can make a difference? Don't you remember my show?

PV: Not really. It's been a long time, man,

CP: Well you should rewatch it. It's available on... uh... VHS.

PV: Oh great. Is it on Beta, too? How about Laserdisc? And can I pick up the soundtrack on a phonograph maybe? Send me a telegram if you see any Captain Planet VHS tapes available.

CP: I sense your sarcasm, fiend. Watch your mouth lest I call upon the four elements to smite you.

PV: Yeah, yeah. You do that. You know, there are some rumors going around about you. Is it true that you masturbate to "Ferngully the Last Rainforest?"

CP: Yeah. Can't blame me. The chick in there is hot.

PV: Yeah, she is (offers hand to Captain Planet for high five). Krysta the fairy gots it going on.

CP: (Pretends like he'll give a high-five, then pulls back his hand to slick back his hair.)

PV: So that's why your hair is green. You must pick your nose and run it through your hair, like the old joke me and my friends used to tell when we were 9.

CP: No. NOOO! I totally don't do that. My hair is only green as a symbol of my environmentalistic ways. Don't you know that? Green means environmentally friendly. Green Party. GreenPeace. Green Day. Green eggs... and... ham. OK, OK, ya got me. I do pick my nose and wipe it through my hair. Is that so wrong? Otherwise I'm a good person. I use ethanol. I avoid spraying aerosol. I don't read the newspaper.

PV: It's OK. Calm down, Captain. Here, have one of my sodas.

CP: Thanks. (drinks soda)

PV: I hope that soda tastes good, Captain Planet. Do you realize it came from a six-pack, with one of those plastic holders that's been known to finds its way into the ocean and choke baby birds!

CP: Nooooo! (picks nose and slides hand through green hair).

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