An Interview with the Kool-Aid Man

PV: What the hell? The Kool-Aid Man's PR reps told me Punchy would be here at my house for an interview by now. But yet he's nowhere to be found!

(Kool-Aid Man punches through wall).

KAM: Hey hey! Never fear, Kool-Aid Man is here!

PV: Holy feces! You scared the Tang out of me, Kool-Aid man? Don't you know how to knock?

KAM: When you're filled with tangy juiciness, son, knocking ain't an option.

PV: True, true. But your routine is pretty destructive. You just ruined an entire wall in my house.

KAM: Don't worry, Phil. Your homeowner's insurance should cover it.

PV: You know, you're right. I never thought of it that way, Kool-Aid Man. How can I stay mad at you?

KAM: Here (tips over head to pour cherry Kool-Aid into a cup). This will calm you down.

PV: Whoah, a drink from your own private reserve! I'm honored.

KAM: Don't be. For me, doing that is like peeing in a cup and giving it to them. I do that to people who bother me. You kept whining about your bashed-in wall so I decided to pay you an insult by serving you my urine.

PV: (Drinking the Kool-Aid) Yum! Kool-Aid Man, while I'm offended by your treamtent of me, I've gotta admit, that's some tasty stuff there. Let me know when you have to go again, because I want seconds.

KAM: Yeah, that's the trouble, is that Kool-Aid is so darn tasty. I wonder what it must be like to be able to urinate sulphuric, stinky yellow liquid like humans?

PV: Trust me, dude. It's not as great as it sounds.

KAM: That may be, but acidic refuse is far from the only reason I envy your race. Because of our tendency to spill, Kool-Aid Men are incapable of driving cars, going on roller coasters or (tear drips from his eye and smiley face turns into a frown) making love.

PV: Kool-Aid MEN, eh? I didn't know there were more than one. You're telling me you're not unique?

KAM: Oh, no. We Kool-Aid Men are a proud race of islanders in Southeast Asia. We have survived centuries of war, famine and pestilence. I am the lone representative of my people in the public eye, and a very sad and lonely man.

PV: So you just take out your rage by smashing peoples' walls then? I totally understand, Kool-Aid Man. I totally had you wrong. Please accept my apology.

KAM: Psyche. I'm just messing with you, pal. There are no Kool-Aid Men in Southeast Asia. I'm a mascot. (Bashes down another wall). And a dick. Late.