Sunday, October 22, 2006

An Interview with Mr. Miyagi

PV: Wow! I can't believe I'm sitting here with you! I've got to tell you that of all the alcoholic martial arts legends, you're my favorite.

MM: Ahead of Drunken Master? Is privilege.

PV: I should start by offering my condolences on the passing of Pat Morita, the actor who played you so well in four 'Karate Kid' movies.

MM: Miyagi in mourning. Morita was good man. Should have won Oscar for 'Karate Kid I.' Not so much for 'Next Karate Kid.'

PV: I suppose now that he's dead, we won't be seeing you in any more movies, such as 'The Next-er Karate Kid Princess,' starring Hilary Duff.

MM: Miyagi must seek young flower to resurrect character. Am hoping to launch franchise like James Bond. Maybe Jet Li or Roger Moore play me next.

PV: Remember that part in the first movie, where you're trying to catch the fly with your chopsticks for hours, and you can't do it, and then Daniel-San comes along and catches the fly on the first try and makes you look like a doddering idiot! That was frikkin' awesome.

MM: Is dark memory for Miyagi, like my dead wife in American detention camp during second world war. Continue to bring up stuff like that and Miyagi must teach you lesson.

PV: Oh really. What are you gonna do about it?

MM: Miyagi will make you paint fence, then wax car.

PV: That's not such a bad deal at all, actually. Painting the fence will secretly teach me the motor skills to block kicks with my hand, and waxing will learn me how to fend off punches with the greatest of ease. Plus, I bet you'll give me the keys to the car I wax for my 16th birthday.

MM: Boy, you much older than 16.

PV: True that. I was thinking maybe you'd give me the car as a retroactive gift.

MM: Miyagi only serve as sensei for young followers in need of help from bullies.

PV: Yeah, I kind of thought so. You might want to rethink that policy in the current sociological climate. I mean, people can't allow their kids to be Congressional pages, boy scouts, altar boys or 7th grade students in the state of Florida unless they're willing to risk their kids getting diddled by their mentors. What sort of parent will let a strange old man like you sensei their kid?

MM: Miyagi finish with interview. Is that tape recorder? (judo chops it in half).

PV: Dude, what the hell! That cost me like $70!

MM (pins me to floor): What you do about it? If Miyagi can kick asses of seven high school ruffians in skeleton costumes, he certainly can handle one interviewer. What will it be? Live or die?

PV: Die!

MM: Wrong. (Holds back on delivering a death blow to my temple and grabs my nose). Honk!

PV: That one's still as funny today as it was 22 years ago.

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