Sunday, October 29, 2006

An Interview with the Kool-Aid Man

PV: What the hell? The Kool-Aid Man's PR reps told me Punchy would be here at my house for an interview by now. But yet he's nowhere to be found!

(Kool-Aid Man punches through wall).

KAM: Hey hey! Never fear, Kool-Aid Man is here!

PV: Holy feces! You scared the Tang out of me, Kool-Aid man? Don't you know how to knock?

KAM: When you're filled with tangy juiciness, son, knocking ain't an option.

PV: True, true. But your routine is pretty destructive. You just ruined an entire wall in my house.

KAM: Don't worry, Phil. Your homeowner's insurance should cover it.

PV: You know, you're right. I never thought of it that way, Kool-Aid Man. How can I stay mad at you?

KAM: Here (tips over head to pour cherry Kool-Aid into a cup). This will calm you down.

PV: Whoah, a drink from your own private reserve! I'm honored.

KAM: Don't be. For me, doing that is like peeing in a cup and giving it to them. I do that to people who bother me. You kept whining about your bashed-in wall so I decided to pay you an insult by serving you my urine.

PV: (Drinking the Kool-Aid) Yum! Kool-Aid Man, while I'm offended by your treamtent of me, I've gotta admit, that's some tasty stuff there. Let me know when you have to go again, because I want seconds.

KAM: Yeah, that's the trouble, is that Kool-Aid is so darn tasty. I wonder what it must be like to be able to urinate sulphuric, stinky yellow liquid like humans?

PV: Trust me, dude. It's not as great as it sounds.

KAM: That may be, but acidic refuse is far from the only reason I envy your race. Because of our tendency to spill, Kool-Aid Men are incapable of driving cars, going on roller coasters or (tear drips from his eye and smiley face turns into a frown) making love.

PV: Kool-Aid MEN, eh? I didn't know there were more than one. You're telling me you're not unique?

KAM: Oh, no. We Kool-Aid Men are a proud race of islanders in Southeast Asia. We have survived centuries of war, famine and pestilence. I am the lone representative of my people in the public eye, and a very sad and lonely man.

PV: So you just take out your rage by smashing peoples' walls then? I totally understand, Kool-Aid Man. I totally had you wrong. Please accept my apology.

KAM: Psyche. I'm just messing with you, pal. There are no Kool-Aid Men in Southeast Asia. I'm a mascot. (Bashes down another wall). And a dick. Late.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

An Interview with Mr. Miyagi

PV: Wow! I can't believe I'm sitting here with you! I've got to tell you that of all the alcoholic martial arts legends, you're my favorite.

MM: Ahead of Drunken Master? Is privilege.

PV: I should start by offering my condolences on the passing of Pat Morita, the actor who played you so well in four 'Karate Kid' movies.

MM: Miyagi in mourning. Morita was good man. Should have won Oscar for 'Karate Kid I.' Not so much for 'Next Karate Kid.'

PV: I suppose now that he's dead, we won't be seeing you in any more movies, such as 'The Next-er Karate Kid Princess,' starring Hilary Duff.

MM: Miyagi must seek young flower to resurrect character. Am hoping to launch franchise like James Bond. Maybe Jet Li or Roger Moore play me next.

PV: Remember that part in the first movie, where you're trying to catch the fly with your chopsticks for hours, and you can't do it, and then Daniel-San comes along and catches the fly on the first try and makes you look like a doddering idiot! That was frikkin' awesome.

MM: Is dark memory for Miyagi, like my dead wife in American detention camp during second world war. Continue to bring up stuff like that and Miyagi must teach you lesson.

PV: Oh really. What are you gonna do about it?

MM: Miyagi will make you paint fence, then wax car.

PV: That's not such a bad deal at all, actually. Painting the fence will secretly teach me the motor skills to block kicks with my hand, and waxing will learn me how to fend off punches with the greatest of ease. Plus, I bet you'll give me the keys to the car I wax for my 16th birthday.

MM: Boy, you much older than 16.

PV: True that. I was thinking maybe you'd give me the car as a retroactive gift.

MM: Miyagi only serve as sensei for young followers in need of help from bullies.

PV: Yeah, I kind of thought so. You might want to rethink that policy in the current sociological climate. I mean, people can't allow their kids to be Congressional pages, boy scouts, altar boys or 7th grade students in the state of Florida unless they're willing to risk their kids getting diddled by their mentors. What sort of parent will let a strange old man like you sensei their kid?

MM: Miyagi finish with interview. Is that tape recorder? (judo chops it in half).

PV: Dude, what the hell! That cost me like $70!

MM (pins me to floor): What you do about it? If Miyagi can kick asses of seven high school ruffians in skeleton costumes, he certainly can handle one interviewer. What will it be? Live or die?

PV: Die!

MM: Wrong. (Holds back on delivering a death blow to my temple and grabs my nose). Honk!

PV: That one's still as funny today as it was 22 years ago.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

An Interview with the Hamburglar

PV: Hi, Hamburglar. It's good to see you.

H: Robble robble.

PV: Is that all you ever say?

H: Robble robble.

PV: I'll take that as a yes. I'll tell you what, smartass. I'm gonna break you down. You've been one of America's most notorious criminals for the past three decades, and no one's ever been able to get an intelligible word out of you. But you have never met the likes of me.

H: Robble robble.

PV: Go ahead, play it coy, Hamburglar. I know that somewhere deep down inside that twisted mind of yours flourishes the pugnacious wit of a troubled philosopher. What I have to ask you, sir, is this: Since you're obviously a genius, having eluded the capture of the police force led by Mayor McCheese in your ongoing efforts to pilfer cheeseburgers at will, why have you sold yourself so short? What contempt you must have for society, to divert your formidable brainpower toward the simplistic pastime of committing the same robbery again and again, whereas if your energies were devoted to a positive pastime you could surely become a great man.

H: Robble rob- ah, fuck it. Who the hell are you to try and tell me how to use my talents? I like burgers and I'm good at stealing. So back the hell off, alright?

PV: Defensiveness much?

H: "Defensiveness much?" What the hell is that supposed to mean? That's not even grammatically correct.

PV: Oh, and I'm sure "robble robble" is the epitome of eloquence.

H: Actually no, it isn't. When I say "robble robble" I'm just quoting the sound your mom makes when she's sucking on one of my chicken selects.

PV: Oh, heeeeeeeeeellllllllll no. Don't you dare talk about my momma (bitch slaps the Hamburglar).

H (rubbing cheek): Dude, where's your journalistic integrity? You don't bitch slap an interview subject no matter what they say.

PV: Yeah, I know. Sorry brotha. I need to work on my temper.

H: You also need to work on your strength. That slap didn't hurt at all.

PV: That's not what that red mark upside your head is telling me.

H: That's enough. I'm not going to talk to you anymore. I've got better things to do.

PV: What, like steal double cheeseburgers? They only cost a dollar each. You realize that you're risking 9 months in San Quentin every time you do that, right?

H: One, I cannot be caught. Two, no prison could ever hold me.

PV: What about Alcatraz? No one ever escaped from there.

H: Nicolas Cage and Sean Connery did. Connery did twice.

PV: That was just a movie.

H: Touche.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

How to Screw Over McDonald's and Best Buy

I was going to interview the Hamburglar this week, but I told him he'd have to wait until next week. I'm too busy to talk to him because it's McNopoly season.

Since a number of people have inquired to my methods, I thought I'd provide a step-by-step program on how to violate this contest for all it's worth, without having to eat any of McDonald's nasty food. This primer will teach you how to get the video game "Splinter Cell: Double Agent" ($40) with $20.50 of your own money. I understand that this feat isn't so impressive, but understand that it can be expanded exponentionally. The more you take my advise, the more you'll be able to exploit this magical contest. For instance, you could multiply all these steps by seven, buy seven copies of Splinter Cell, sell six on eBay and make a hell of a profit. Without further ado:

Step one: Get ready to go. This journey will take you to a dollar store and a place that sells stamps. (You can also buy stamps online, but you'll have to wait a few days to get them.) For this trip, you'll need $25.

Step two: At the dollar store, buy 50 evnelopes for $1.

Step three: Get 50 stamps. At 39 cents a pop, this will run you $19.50. Be sure to get sticker stamps, unless you want to do a ton of licking.

Step four: Do 15 jumping jacks. You'll need to get the blood flowing for all the writing you're about to do.

Step five: Get your 50 envelopes out and affix a stamp in the upper right-hand corner of each.

Step six: Divide the stamped envelopes in two equal stacks. On the first stack, write your name and address on the bottom middle of the envelopes.

Step seven: Do 25 push-ups. Girl (using your knees to support you) push-ups are OK, only if you're a girl.

Step eight: On the second stack, write your name and address on the upper left corner of the envelopes.

Step nine: Do 12 deep knee bends, to get the blood flowing once again. You're 2/3 done!

Step ten: Write this address on the bottom middle of the envelopes of stack two:
Monopoly 2006 Game at McDonald's
Game Piece Request
P.O. Box 49434
Strongsville, OH 44149

Step eleven: Fold each of the envelopes in stack one, stuff them one by one inside of corresponding envelopes in stack two. Seal them and mail them off.

Step twelve: Wait 6-10 days for the envelopes to return with your game pieces. Do not eat at McDonald's during this time. But do go to McDonald's in order to pick up a free Monopoly game board. While you're there, search through the garbage cans (only the tops - don't dig through it, because that's nasty) for abandoned game pieces. Also search the counter tops and look out for old people, who don't understand the contest and tend to leave game pieces behind as they go about their ways.

Step thirteen: Get your game pieces and lump together your Best Buy Bucks. You should have 25 Best Buy Bucks, at least two of which are of the $5 denomination, increasing your total amount of Best Buy money to $33.

Step fourteen: Open your other pieces. You should have enough to cover the entire board except for the winning pieces that don't actually exist. That's OK. Do not throw away your doubles, because you can use the codes on them for the online contest. You should also have two or three pieces that get you a free McDonald's value meal.

Step fifteen: Let's assume you have two free value meal pieces. Go to McDonald's again with one of your free value meal pieces, and get a premium chicken sandwich meal. The sandwich box will come with a Best Buy Buck.

Step sixteen: Take the Best Buy Buck off the box, then take one bite of the sandwich. Chew a little then spit it out. Return it to the manager and say your sandwich doesn't taste right, which will be true, because those things are nasty. The manager will give you another chicken sandwich. Take the Best Buy Buck off it, as well as any other game pieces that came with your meal, and throw it all away or give it to an unlucky homeless man.

Step seventeen: Repeat step sixteen later that night when a different manager is on duty. Doing this, searching in the trash and random luck should leave you with $40 in Best Buy cash. If not, send out a couple more SASEs as needed.

Step eighteen: Log onto and enter 10 codes per day. You should win lots of snapfish coupons and cell phone ringtones.

Step nineteen: Go to Best Buy and seize your prize from the stunned checkout clerk, who will be annoyed at being unlucky enough to have to serve the asshole who is buying a video game with $40 in Best Buy Bucks.

Step twenty: Raise your hands in victory!

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Welcome to the new site

You'll notice the design is a lot better now. That's because it wasn't done by me, and it's a basic blogspot template. The way things will work from here on out is I'll post pretty much randomly whenever I feel like it. Each Sunday I'll bring you a new interview with a faded luminary from the arts and entertainment world. Well, except for this Sunday. I'm afraid the Hamburglar's publicist didn't get back to me in time for deadline, so look for that one next week.

OK, I'll be honest with you. The Hamburglar was all ready to do the interview, but I blew him off because I didn't have time. The annual McNopoly contest starts this week and I wasted all of Sunday filling out free gamepiece request SASEs. My goal is to accumulate enough Best Buy Bucks to make a hostile takeover on the Best Buy corporation. Just you watch - I'll own the company by the time the contest ends Oct. 30.