Sunday, July 26, 2009

Too Hot For TV: The Costco-Sam's Club Two-Step

In a miniseries I've dubbed "Too Hot for TV," I'll be sharing the tips that my editors didn't allow in the final version of my book. Today's tip is called The Costco-Sam's Clube Two-Step:

Glory be to any business with a no-questions-asked, no time limit, full money back guarantee. Both warehouse wholesaler giants Costco and Sam’s Club will refund your annual membership fee at any time and for any reason. I choose my refund time as the day before my membership is set to expire, and my reason as the sudden urge to join up with its competitor. After nearly a year has passed, I run the same game at the other place and go back to where I started. Think of Costco and Sam’s Club as your own personal Betty and Veronica, then ask yourself the question that always eluded
Archie – why choose when both are equally lovely and willing to take turns?
Annual memberships at both places run more than $50, and grant you access to what seems like square miles of amazing deals. Just don’t fall into the trap of over-buying stuff you don’t need, such as that 10-gallon tub of peanut butter.

What’s great about Club/Costco is that even if you don’t follow my insidious advice, memberships can easily pay for themselves in just a couple months, and even provide you a source of alternate income. Tapping the businesses makes for excellent resale opportunities, whether you’re fundraising for a school, club or yourself. You can find candy bars and sodas for less than 20 cents apiece and sell them for far more than double that amount at yard sales or community sporting events.

Savings on gas is also a hefty bonus, with prices per gallon nearly always running a few cents per gallon cheaper than the lowest-priced outside gas station.

One thing that annoys me is how paranoid both places are, automatically accusing every customer of shoplifting and refusing to let them out of the store unless they submit to a grocery cart eyeballing and receipt scan. What are they thinking? Of all the customer bases most likely to rip a business off, the Costco/Sam’s Clubsters who actually pay for the very privilege of being allowed to step inside the cavernous stores would seem to be the least likely.

One of these trips I’m going to sprint out of Costco after I buy my stuff and see if anyone tries to chase me down. I hope they tackle me, pin me to the ground while they check to see what I stole, then after they discover I’m clean, apologize profusely with free coupons for hundreds of dollars worth of groceries, which I would gladly accept before pursuing a lawsuit against them. And then I’d use false arrest as my reason for asking for a full membership refund before flipping to Sam’s Club and starting the process over again.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Litte Bit Time

Luke heard the song "Live and Let Die" today in "Shrek 3" and interpreted the lyrics as "Little Bit Time," then proceeded to rock out to his newfound favorite song, which is a vast improvement over the original. Incidentally, this is not one of his Weird Al-style song paraodies, which include the lyrics "Yo-ho, yo-ho, a robot's life for me" and "Yo-ho, yo-ho, a pirate's life for robot."

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

I am tracking down my friend's Wii

My friend's Wii was stolen from his house during a break-in a few weeks ago. Since he was my Wii friend, I e-mailed my friend, who was now the thief or someone the thief sold the Wii to, and told him he was a bastard because he stole my friend's Wii.

The guy wrote back tonight telling me he bought it from a pawn shop. So it turns out the thief was dumb enough to take it to a place that's required by law to take a record of the pawned item and its serial number. This guy is going down because my friend can give the serial number to the police even if the current owner of his stolen Wii doesn't cooperate.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Luke will grow up to be a comedian

Today when I was giving him a bath he took the shampoo bottle, placed it between his legs and said "Look, I have a huge penis!" He's only 2 and already an ace with the improv. A little Richard Pryor, this one.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Stormin' Mormon is a reasonable price now, for once

My novel Stormin' Mormon is now $6.99 on You'll have to type the title into the search box, and don't forget the apostrophe. If you are absolutely crazy and rich, you can opt for the hardcover for $30. Sadly I might break my own rule about not ordering one of those books myself and actually order buy a hardcover because I don't own one.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

That's Enough, Van Wilder Makers

No more awful sequels/prequels ever. Stand over there with the American Pie and Bring it On franchises and just stop. Please. Unless you can ever get Ryan Reynolds back.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Seth Rogen and John Goodman

They both sounds exactly the same. Which is the voice of giant, one-eyed monsters. I came to this conclusion through extensive research, studying Monsters Inc. and Monsters vs. Aliens.

Monday, July 06, 2009

Secrets of a Stingy Scoundrel signings schedule

Catch the magic at these places and times. Hopefully more to come.

7 p.m. Sept. 10 – Barnes & Noble, 10500 N. 90th Street, Scottsdale, AZ

7 p.m. Sept. 11 – Barnes & Noble, 5130 E. Broadway, Tucson, AZ

4:30 p.m. Sept. 29 – University of Arizona BookStore, 1209 E. University Blvd. Tucson, AZ

Sunday, July 05, 2009

Scottsdale Signing Sept. 10

I nailed down another signing - my first chronologically. 7 p.m. Thursday, Sept. 10 at the Scottsdale Barnes & Noble. I feel so happy for everyone in Scottsdale that they'll finally get the thrill of being able to not only buy a book by me but get my personal autograph and even shake my hand, all in the same day!

Wednesday, July 01, 2009


It makes no sense to thank God for food, because you got that food yourself. The rebuttal to this is God gave you the means to get the food. He allowed the sun and water to nourish the wheat that would turn into your bread. Yadda yadda. But to thank God for your food is also to assign blame to him for its content. What if it tastes bad? What if there's salmonella or botulism in there? Does that mean God poisoned you?