Monday, October 22, 2007

Failure future

I'm disappointed that it's 2007 and we're no closer to the future than we were in 1997 or 1987. And by "future," I'm referring, of course, to "Back to the Future Part II," with its vision that I'm skeptical will actually ever come to exist. The world's scientists and engineers have failed us. Forget flying cars. We're only 8 years away, and we don't even have any hoverboards yet. No moving trash cans, either. The only thing we'll actually have is the sports almanac, but we'll lack the time-traveling De Loreans to make them useful. The best we can do in terms of futuristic travel are the Prius and Segway? Come on.

While I'm on the subject of futility, I must say that it's pointless to battle giant fires humans have no chance of putting out. It's like trying to put out a hurricane, or trying to stop a car by running onto the road and punching it.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

How do I continue to function?

When the Arizona Cardinals peck my bleeding heart out every single week? Why, Neil Rackers, must you execute such a perfect onside kick to make me think the Cardinals have a shot at winning just after I'd given up hope, only to shank a 55-yard field goal 20 seconds later? Why, Kurt Warner, must you follow up a spectacular come-from-behind touchdown pass with a touchdown pass to a defensive back from the other team? At least I know you won't crush me next week, because you'll be on a bye.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Words to live by

Misfortune favors the bold.

If at first you don't succeed, sue.

"One in the hand is worth two in the bush" would make a good punchline in a porno.

When the going gets tough, the tough get owing.

Look before you leap out of the limo with no underwear on.

No rest for the wicked.

Early to bed and early to rise makes you miss out on the night life.

All work and no play make Jack a successful stock broker.

Cleanliness is next to an OCD diagnosis.

An Apple a day keeps Bill Gates at bay.

Children are meant to be seen, but not on ill-conceived Fox reality shows.

Winning isn't everything, but it will be once they finally get rid of the damn BCS.

You can't buy happiness, but you can borrow it from a payday loan place provided you don't mind the 300 percent interest.

The best things in life are free, but the Wal-Mart DVD value bin is still a damn good deal.

It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you're able to deny afterward that you used performance-enhancing drugs.

Music tames the savage priest.

All kids' toys from China are poison.

Sunday, October 07, 2007

No More Interviews

Thanks for sticking around throughout my fake interview phase, which seemed to last forever. I promise it's over now. On to bigger and better things, such as... more fake interviews! Just kidding. No more of those, really. I can totally stop myself from doing them. Watch:

Non-interview: Shrek.

PV: Shrek, I refuse to interview fake people anymore.

S: Damn, I thought I was gonna get some free publicity.

PV: Sorry, it ain't happening.

S: I'm gonna take off then.

PV: Be safe.

See! Man, did that take restraint. Check back next week to see what craziness I've come up with. Tell your friends to come, too. But not your friends' friends, because that would be inappropriate. I'm going to sleep now, blissfully floating in the essence of the Arizona Cardinals' 3-2 record, good for first place in the NFC West. Man, will it be depressing to come back and read this post in December if the Cardinals are 6-10 at that point. But for now I'll just enjoy it.