Sunday, December 23, 2007

One advantage of getting married

Is that you can get your wife to do all your Christmas shopping, but only if you're able to demonstrate profound incompetence at gift giving (very easy for me). Even better, you don't have to buy her anything, because her money is yours, so she's really just buying something for herself through you. No wonder gay people want to get in on this action.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Why won't Boston teams lose ever?

The Red Sox won the world series. The Celtics are 19-2. The Patriots are undefeated. The Bruins have the second best record in the NHL's eastern conference. The Boston Hobgoblins of Major League Soccer have never lost a game (They don't exist, but still, they've never lost). How annoying. It's gotten to the point where I want Boston teams to lose more than my own teams to win. I may have to go into training and become a four sport professional athlete/owner of all pro franchises, trading myself from team to team daily and winning games personally in order to ensure all Boston squads lose their next 50 matchups. Only then will I find happiness in life.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

On sugar cookies

Soft sugar cookies are good. but regular, hard sugar cookies, unfrosted or with that detestable, flavorless primary color slop lopped on them are as revolting a reclaimed water. I resent everyone who likes them.

Sunday, December 02, 2007

Mike Stoops does not understand the game of football

Dear Mr. Stoops, when you are down by 10 with 2 minutes left, you need two scores to tie the game. It makes sense to kick a field goal rather than wasting time trying to get a touchdown, or worse, going for it on fourth down and failing. I suggest reading "Football for Dummies" over the offseason to familiarize yourself with strategy.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Sunday, November 18, 2007

The Confederate Flag

I'd like to thank everyone who adorns their pickup trucks with Confederate license plates and decals. You advertise yourself as racist dirtbags, making it easy for everyone who's moved on from the Civil War to know they're disgusted with you without having to waste the time to get to speak with you.

Granted, this message is intended for those who hold the flag is a symbol for "I wish black people were slaves," not those honorable, progressive Confederates* who simply support state rights.

*Just kidding, it's intended doubly for these delusional fools who proudly display the flag - which is as reprehensible as a swastika banner - on invented pretenses.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

A list of the only good songs ever made

For the most part, I don't like music. I don't actively despise it - my full-blown musical hatred is reserved for only the greatest evils such as U2, Sean Combs, Bruce Springsteen and nearly all country and death metal, but I'm apathetic to most music in general. Concerts bore me and I can safely say I will never again buy a CD. Very few tunes are worth a $1 download, or even the time it would take to find it on one of the illegal pirate services.

Thus, I see no need to ever buy an 80 gigabyte iPod, because there's no way I could ever fill even 1 gigabyte with songs I respect. Here are the only songs I actually like, and I'm sick of even most of these. (Bear in mind I have either no or awful taste in music, and my ignorance is mostly due to the art form's failure to intrigue me enough to do more research.)

1. Suddenly I See - KT Tunstall. I found it catchy when it first came out but now I'm sick of it, always skip past it on my MP3 player and am considering deleting it.

2. Fidelity - Regina Spektor. I've got a thing for Russian pop I guess.

3. Steady as She Goes - The Raconteurs. Another song I loved at first but now skip every time. Gonna delete it soon unless something changes.

4. They - Jem. I skip past this one 6 out of every 10 times, but when I'm in the mood for its haunting bounciness the tune really does it for me.

5. White Houses - Vanessa Carlton. This is a truly inspired ballad about that precious, unforgettable phase in your life in which you're still a kid but not yet tied down by life's drudgery. It gives me chills whenever I listen to it, which is rarely because usually I'm not equipped to handle the rush so I skip it.

6. Low - Cracker. Grunge at its near best.

7. Sometimes I Don't Mind - Suicide Machines. A funny gimmick tune; a love song written to a dog.

8. Until We Get Caught - Hit the Lights. I fell in love with this one while watching the trailer for "Madden NFL 07." Remember that video game, because there are two others on this list that came from there. If I knew what I was doing I would make a tribute video to this with clips from "300," because the song captures the film's spirit.

9. Stupid Girls - Pink. By far her best song. A direct attack on Paris Hilton and her ilk.

10. Dirty Little Secret - All American Rejects. Great punk.

11. I Met a Girl - Wheat. A whiny, loserish song that pulled me in a few years ago. Probably gonna delete it.

12. All Downhill from Here - Newfound Glory. Pop/punk is my weakness - the closest thing to a genre I like as a whole. Get ready for a bunch more songs just like this.

13. Around the World - ATC. An IBM commercial, I think, made me rediscover this. It's the one that goes lalalalalal and everbyody's singing lalalalala. Good stuff.

14. Is it Any Wonder - Keane. Another "Madden NFL 07" gem. I didn't like it at first but it wore me down.

15. Hollywood - Madonna. Closest thing to a good song Madonna has ever made. I don't hate her, but she's very mediocre. I like this one because she admits what a failure all her movies are.

16. Miss Murder - AFI. I almost never listen to this one, but it's just good enough to stay on my list.

17. Let's Get Retarded - Black Eye Peas. I should get rid of this just because the band is such a sellout for making that alternate, censored version. But I can't.

18. Try - Nelly Furtado. I actually hate this one now. Why don't I drop it? Can't say.

19. La La - Ashlee Simpson. A better song than anything the Beatles ever made. Ashlee really does have talent. Don't care what anyone else thinks.

20. Tune Out - The Format. A song about how awful Phoenix traffic and smoking inside a car are.

21. Sitting, Waiting Wishing - Jack Johnson. A primal howl of unrequited love. Genius.

22. What I've Done - Linkin Park. The lead singer of the band seems like a douche, but I like his brand of bitching. The Transformers movie end credits sold me on this one.

23. Girlfriend - Avril Lavigne. So so good. So so ashamed for thinking so.

24. No Doubt - New. Gwen Stefani is by far the greatest singer to ever live. And she's still not all that great.

25. What's Your Number - Cypress Hill. A funny bullshit bunch of bragadacio about a night that I'm sure never really happened.

26. Cupid's Chokehold - Gym Class Heroes. This one truly defines what love is. It doesn't let you walk on clouds - it's truly incapacitating, grabbing you by the throat.

27. Do You Want to Know a Secret? - Beatles. The only Beatles song you'll find on here. What was the big deal?

28. Bohemian Like You - Dandy Warhols. "Flushed Away," the cartoon rat movie, used this for a chase montage and I scribbled down the lyrics so I could find it. Thank you Google.

29. Hazy Shade of Winter - Bangles. Way better than the verzion sung by dudes.

30. Into the Great Wide Open - Tom Petty. My dad used to hum this song when I was a teenager. Drilled it into my brain.

31. Molly - Sponge. The 16 candles down the drain song. Don't know what it means, but as the lyrics say, "don't ask why."

32. Brain Stew - Green Day. Much of what Green Days does, especially "Time of Your Life" and "When I Come Around," makes me want to puke, but this one is a great song about being worn out and burned to a crisp. It's probably based on drug and booze induced hangovers on tour.

33. Stuck - Stacie Orrico. A one-hit wonder that wasn't even a hit. Kinda sad.

34. I Get Around - Tupac. The greatest hip-hop song ever made.

35. 2Wicky - Hooverphonic. A bunch of sung numbers. Sounds like a trippy Sesame Street thing.

36. Out Here All Night - Damone. Another Madden tune. I thought it was stupid at first, but it grew on me in a huge way. I love its naivete.

37. Blinded by the Light - Manfred Mann's Earth Band. The Xbox 360 launch title "Amped" hooked me on this nonsense.

38. A Whole New World - Aladdin and Jasmine. From probably the sexiest scene of any animated movie. I love the way he makes her feel guilty for cheating on him, and how she's totally willing to ditch Aladdin for his secret identity. Hot.

39. About Her - Malcolm McLaren. "Kill Bill Vol. 1" showed me the light.

40. All the Things She Said - Tatu. There I go with the Russians again. Plus bonus lesbianism and catchy lyrics.

41. America - Bree Sharp. I'm sure she's working at a Motel 6 now as a maid, but she's $16 bucks richer than she would be because I bought her horrible CD off of one good song that was on the radio back in 2000.

42. Angel is the Centerfold - Charlie Daniels Band. Catchy but idiotic lyrics. The guy is a moron for being offended that a schoolmate became a porn princess. Be proud, dude.

43. Angry Johnny - Poe. And Poe, I'm sure, cleans the toilets at the same Motel 6. I'm still pissed at her for canceling a free concert she was going to on campus back when I was in college.

44. Around the World - Daft Punk. No excuses here. I'm a tool.

45. Fly Me to the Moon - Astrud Gilberto. She does it better than Sinatra in her weird foreign accent.

46. Back to Life - Soul 2 Soul. I didn't care for this song when I was a kid. But a commercial a few years ago made me like it.

47. Bandages - Hot Hot Heat. Fast and cool. It'll be my favorite song for a week and then I won't listen to it for 5 years.

48. Because the Night - 10,000 Maniacs. Just begging to play as background music as a montage in a comedy about a farmer who romances a sheep.

49. In the Blood - Better Than Ezra. For many years I held up Ezra as the greatest band in the world. Now, not so much.

50. Big Poppa - Biggie Smalls. The second greatest hip-hop tune ever.

51. For the Longest Time - Billy Joel. He's way, way overrated, but at least he made a couple listenable songs.

52. Blurry - Puddle of Mudd. This one applies to the way so many women felt about me when I was single.

53. What Can I Say - Brandi Carlile. I don't like "Gray's Anatomy," but I caught the episode that featured this song and I was smitten.

54. Breakdown - Tantric. I want this song to play after every touchdown I score in "Tecmo Bowl."

55. Breathe Your Name - Sixpence None the Richer. Breathy and lyrical.

56. Breathless - The Corrs. The NBC ad campaign a few years ago that co-opted this song almost made me dislike it.

57. Brian Wilson - Barenaked Ladies. Don't really understand it, but I still like it. A far better alternative to BNL's "If I Had a Million Dollars."

58. Celebrity Skin - Hole. Courtney Love is so dirty and yet so talented.

59. Christmas Time - Blink 182. A song that encapsulates how I feel about Christmas.

60. Cornflake Girl - Tori Amos. Makes no sense at all.

61. Butterfly - Crazy Town. Didn't like it when it was popular.

62. Cruel Summer - Bananarama. "The Karate Kid" series gave me two songs to love. This was one of them.

63. Crystal Village - Pete Yorn. An aching lament about a faded romance.

64. Damn it Feels Good to be a Gangsta - Geto Boys. How could you watch "Office Space" and not love this one?

65. Diamonds and Guns - Transplants. References Karl Malone. Badass.

66. Upside Down - Diana Ross. Nothing in "Dreamgirls" could compete with this.

67. Digital Boy - Bad Religion. Philosophical old-school punk is another weakness.

68. Don't Fear the Reaper - Blue Oyster Cult. The mediocre video game "Prey" convinced me to like this by using it in a scene where you get kidnapped by aliens.

69. What Happens Tomorrow - Duran Duran. Their one good song, made decades after everyone stopped caring about them.

70. Every Other Time - LFO. The one good Boy Band song.

71. Extraodrinary - Liz Phair. I liked her moved to pop selloutdom.

72. Fat Lip - Sum 41. The redeemer of the "American Pie 2" soundtrack.

73. Female of the Species - Space. Reminds me of the Koopa Island tune in "Super Mario Kart."

74. Fill it Up Again - Indigo Girls. Too good for its own good.

75. Float On - Modest Mouse. Upbeat and nostalgic.

76. Flood - Jars of Clay. One of two great Jesus Rock songs.

77. Follow You Down - Gin Blossoms. Good stalker tune.

78. Freak of the Week - Marvellous 3. I've been to one of their concerts and bought their CD, just because of this one song.

79. Get Em Outta Here - Sprung Monkey. Fun groove about pimping the streets of San Diego.

80. Girls Not Grey - AFI. Really really bored with this.

81. Good - Better Than Ezra. Reminds me of getting pummeled in my first year of varsity football.

82. Disease - Bad Religion. Oh Bad Religion, you're so deep.

83. Satellite - Guster. Got it from "Martian Child." Probably my favorite song at the moment - absolutely nails how it feels to be a dad.

84. The Sweet Escape - Gwen Stefani. Hate the video, love the tune.

85. Heartache for Everyone - Indigo Girls. A decent second-stringer to "Fill it Up Again."

86. Hit Em Up Style - Blue Cantrell. Never, ever cheat on Blue Cantrell.

87. Hody Hody - Shoe Bomb. A local band no one has heard of or ever will.

88. Glory of Love - Peter Cetera. And the second great Daniel-song, this one from "Karate Kid II."

89. I Do - Lisa Loeb. Oddly, not the only Lisa Loeb song on the list.

90. Nearly Lost You - Screaming Trees. Better than most of the stuff Nirvana made.

91. I Want it All - Warren G. Doesn't everyone?

92. I Wish - Skee Lo. And doesn't every man who's 5-8 wish he was a little bit taller?

93. If I Can Go - Angie Martinez. Spanglish sensation.

94. If I Could Talk I'd Tell You - Lemonheads. "There's Something About Mary" gave me this and one other.

95. Igniton - R Kelly. I refuse to refer to this as a remix. No one has ever heard of the original Ignition, so this is the Ignition of record.

96. Irish Blood English Heart - Morrisey. "FIFA 06" made me fall under the trance of this hate-filled political diatribe.

97. Island in the Sun - Weezer. I already liked it before I saw the movie "Out Cold," but the comedy cemented my adoration.

98. It's All Been Done - Barenaked Ladies. Easygoing groove about a desperate crush that won't be consummated in this life, but maybe has in the past and will in the next.

99. It's Alright It's OK - Leah Andreone. I paid $8 for the single. At the time it was worth every penny.

100. Joyride - Roxette. Liked it a little at age 13, loved in during college when it was played before soccer and baseball games I covered.

101. Jump Right In - The Urge. The theme song for every illicit, ill-advised hookup.

102. Jump Start - The Hang Ups. Kevin Smith made the single greatest musical montage in movie history. The tune plays in "Chasing Amy" as Ben Affleck hangs out with Joey Lauren Adams, desperately hoping he can friend her into a relationship. The chorus goes "Never will regret this..."

103. Kodochrome - Paul Simon. "Cops and Robbersons" made me like it.

104. Lack of Water - Why Store. Should be the theme song of Arizona.

105. Lay Me Down - Live. Reminds me of driving to Phoenix in 110 degrees with no air conditioning.

106. Layla - Eric Clapton. The slow version of this sucks. The unplugged owns all.

107. Let Go - Frou Frou. "Garden State" taught me to appreciate this.

108. Let's Forget About It - Lisa Loeb. There she is again.

109. Let's Make a Deal - Dangerman.

110. Lightning Strikes - Lou Christie. A doo-wop like song that kills.

111. Numb - Linkin Park. "Miami Vice" convinced me.

112. Little Black Backpack - Stroke 9. Reminds me of winning a Scooby-Doo in a carnie game at Magic Mountain.

113. Looks Like They Were Right - Lit. For some reason it seems to be a song about turning 30.

114. Loser - 3 Doors Down. One time a friend of mine sung along with this on the radio with alarming conviction.

115. Love Fool - The Cardigans. Weird song to like, I know.

116. Love You Madly - Cake. Another song about love that isn't as great as it could be.

117. Makin' Money - Handsome Devil. "Out Cold" showed me another awesome punk song.

118. Man Enough for Me - Toni Braxton. I was man enough for you back in '95, Toni.

119. I Love You - Martina McBride. The only country song I like. You could hardly call it country though.

120. Motown Song - Rod Stewart. Really cool cartoon video went with this one.

121. Mr. Blue Sky - Electric Light Orchestra. The trailer for "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" won me over.

122. The Mummer's Dance - Loreena McKinnit. Reminds me of "The Legend of Zelda."

123. My Boo - Ghosttown DJs. I think it was MTV's "The Grind" that hooked me on this back in high school.

124. Never Let You Go - Third Eye Blind. "Say it isn't So" made me like it.

125. Never Say Never - That Dog. Heard this once on the radio and had to have it.

126. Never You Mind - Semisonic. Much better than "Closing Time," which made me buy the CD.

127. Oi to the World - No Doubt. Weird jangly Christmas song.

128. Over My Head - Lit. The theme song of me becoming a film critic at age 22.

129. I Write Sins Not Tragedies - Panic at the Disco. I refuse to put an exclamation mark after Panic. It's my way of lashing out at the man. I'm bored with the song.

130. Pardon Me - Incubus. Really getting tired of this one.

131. Peaceful World - John Mellencamp. The inverse of "This is Our Country."

132. Playa's Holiday - TNDY. Because every playa needs a holiday.

133. Pretty Deep - Tanya. I heard it at Taco Bell and my friends made fun of me for saying it was a good song.

134. Prophecy - Remy Zero. The American version of "The Last Kiss" introduced me to the song, which I liked better when I thought it went "have sex with me now."

135. Ride Wit Me - Nelly. One of the billion songs about making it big and rubbing it in everyone's face. The best one, I daresay.

136. River of Dreams - Billy Joel. Don't think I've listened to it all the way through in 10 years. Can't let it go though.

137. Roll to Me - Della Mitri. Ah, summer of '95.

138. Romeo's Got Nothin' on Me - KGB. So so so catchy.

139. Round the Way Girl - LL Cool J. When you become famous it's much easier to get some play with the uppity ladies you grew up with, according to Mr. Cool J.

140. Saint Joe on the School Bus - Marcy Playground. Better than "Sex and Candy."

141. Satellite - Dave Matthews. Good violin action.

142. Save Your Love - Bad Boys Blue. Brings to mind my 8th grade crush.

143. Seether - Veruca Salt. A lot of us have something we'd like to have crammed into the lead singer's mouth back int the day.

144. Self Control - Laura Branigan. "Vice City" indoctrinated me.

145. Shadowboxer - Fiona Apple. Whoever dumped you was crazy, Fiona. But then so are you.

146. She's Going to Change the World - Chris Cornell. Women with power can be intimidating.

147. Sheep Go to Heaven - Cake. My atheist friend believed this to be a religious parable.

148. My Favorite Mistake - Sheryl Crowe. Dedicated presciently to Lance Armstrong?

149. Sin So Well - Rebekah. Overpaid for the single of it.

150. Six Feet Deep - Geto Boys. The thought-provoking gangsta jam of 8th grade.

151. In This Life - Chantal. One billion movie trailers can't be wrong.

152. Solsbury Hill - Peter Gabriel. Two billion movie trailers can't be wrong.

153. Sorrow - Bad Religion. My religious beliefs identify fairly strongly with the lyrics.

154. Soft Serve - Soul Coughing. What a metaphor.

155. Soul Meets Body - Death Cab for Cutie. It was from "Garden State" I think.

156. Spiderwebs - No Doubt. Like every other dumbass in 1996, I had this as my voice mail intro.

157. Suddenly - Soraya. Reminds me of my cousin's hot friend she brought to Thanksgiving when I was a teenager. I was too shy.

158. Sunday Shining - Finley Quaye. Sounds like Fraggle Rock.

159. Superman - REM. A look inside the minds of 14-year-old comic book obsessives.

160. Swing Low - Hole. Courtney, the chariot needs to swing very low for you.

161. Swing Swing - All American Rejects. Should be played at least once at every baseball game.

162. Take it Off - The Donnas. Even better on "Guitar Hero."

163. Take Me Out - Franz Ferdinand. Great PSP promo song. Shouldn'ta dropped it.

164. Creep - STP. Take time with a wounded hand. Don't know what it means. Don't care.

165. Tangled Up in Me - Skye Sweetnam. Another one non hit no wonder.

166. Teenage Dirtbag - Wheatus. For the longest time I thought it was sung by a chick.

167. Tonight and the Rest of My Life - Nina Gordon. Some jewelry commercial sold me on it. Argh.

168. The Passenger - Iggy Pop. "Waking Life" trailer, baby. "You're a dreamer? Don't see too many of you around lately."

169. Then the Morning Comes - Smash Mouth. Fell in love hard to this one.

170. Think Twice - Eve 6. Overprotective much?

171. These Words - Natasha Bedingfield. Liked it more before I listened to it 10,000 times. Good song about the creative process.

172. This is the Day - Ivy. "Mary" strikes again.

173. Time and Time Again - Chronic Future. CF makes up for the annoying "Scottsdale Brat."

174. What I Am - Edie Brickell. Not as deep as you think, Edie. But deep enough.

175. Tropicalia - Beck. The theme song for overpriced cruises.

176. Underground - Ben Folds Five. High school losers unite.

177. Unpretty - TLC. Their only good song.

178. Video Killed the Radio Star - Presidents. Punk remake bested the original.

179. Waltz for a Night - Julie Delpy. "Before Sunset" is one of the greatest movies.

180. What I Didn't Know - Anthaneum. My apartment neighbor played with my heart.

181. What You Waiting For - Gwen Stefani. Reminds you to get your ass in gear with creative projects before you're too old.

182. Yeah Whatever - Splendor. An anti love song.

183. When I Grow Up - Garbage. I like it more through the eyes of my son.

184. You Get What You Give - New Radicals. Way overplayed, but it's a part of me.

185. Your Woman - White Town. A little too freaky, but steals its beat from the "Star Wars" theme.

186. Youth of the Nation - P.O.D. That other good Christian song.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Coining a new term: Toison.

You read it here first: From now on, all recalled Chinese death toys will be known as Toison (also spellable as "Toyson." That is all.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Time keeps on slippin'

The older you get, the faster everything speeds up. The effect is good in a way, because it makes the "This is Our Country" commercials and Arizona Cardinals losses speed by faster, but on the other hand it also makes the things you want to spend a little more time with - like your 20s - vanish all too quickly. I feel like I'm on that amusement park ride that goes in circles faster and faster until I'm pinned up against the side and the bottom drops out and I bite a gash out of the inside of my cheek.

As time continues to speed up and death draws closer, I become more and more convinced that TV sports and video games are a waste of time, and that by spending time staring at a TV in anger over an ultimately meaningless game people a thousand miles away from me are playing, or zoning out with a guitar-shaped controller in my hand, failing for the 30th time in one hour to get pass one song I'll never have a chance of conquering, I'm squandering what little time I've been given. And yet as I age I'm even more drawn to piddling distractions, as if they're safety blankets I grasp and cower under in order to shelter my senses from the inevitable.

And yet none of this is tragedy. Mortality is simply a plot device that adds a little sense of urgency to what would otherwise be an inconsequential, unending existence. Besides, living forever in a world that allows John Mellencamp songs to be played ad nauseum in Chevy commercials wouldn't be worth it. Those Spaniards who looked for the Fountain of Youth were dumbasses. And so was Darren Aronofsky for making that horrible, unintelligible film "The Fountain." You know who I respect, though? Those intrepid souls who cheer for winning NFL teams and are able to pass "Guitar Hero III."

Monday, October 22, 2007

Failure future

I'm disappointed that it's 2007 and we're no closer to the future than we were in 1997 or 1987. And by "future," I'm referring, of course, to "Back to the Future Part II," with its vision that I'm skeptical will actually ever come to exist. The world's scientists and engineers have failed us. Forget flying cars. We're only 8 years away, and we don't even have any hoverboards yet. No moving trash cans, either. The only thing we'll actually have is the sports almanac, but we'll lack the time-traveling De Loreans to make them useful. The best we can do in terms of futuristic travel are the Prius and Segway? Come on.

While I'm on the subject of futility, I must say that it's pointless to battle giant fires humans have no chance of putting out. It's like trying to put out a hurricane, or trying to stop a car by running onto the road and punching it.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

How do I continue to function?

When the Arizona Cardinals peck my bleeding heart out every single week? Why, Neil Rackers, must you execute such a perfect onside kick to make me think the Cardinals have a shot at winning just after I'd given up hope, only to shank a 55-yard field goal 20 seconds later? Why, Kurt Warner, must you follow up a spectacular come-from-behind touchdown pass with a touchdown pass to a defensive back from the other team? At least I know you won't crush me next week, because you'll be on a bye.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Words to live by

Misfortune favors the bold.

If at first you don't succeed, sue.

"One in the hand is worth two in the bush" would make a good punchline in a porno.

When the going gets tough, the tough get owing.

Look before you leap out of the limo with no underwear on.

No rest for the wicked.

Early to bed and early to rise makes you miss out on the night life.

All work and no play make Jack a successful stock broker.

Cleanliness is next to an OCD diagnosis.

An Apple a day keeps Bill Gates at bay.

Children are meant to be seen, but not on ill-conceived Fox reality shows.

Winning isn't everything, but it will be once they finally get rid of the damn BCS.

You can't buy happiness, but you can borrow it from a payday loan place provided you don't mind the 300 percent interest.

The best things in life are free, but the Wal-Mart DVD value bin is still a damn good deal.

It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you're able to deny afterward that you used performance-enhancing drugs.

Music tames the savage priest.

All kids' toys from China are poison.

Sunday, October 07, 2007

No More Interviews

Thanks for sticking around throughout my fake interview phase, which seemed to last forever. I promise it's over now. On to bigger and better things, such as... more fake interviews! Just kidding. No more of those, really. I can totally stop myself from doing them. Watch:

Non-interview: Shrek.

PV: Shrek, I refuse to interview fake people anymore.

S: Damn, I thought I was gonna get some free publicity.

PV: Sorry, it ain't happening.

S: I'm gonna take off then.

PV: Be safe.

See! Man, did that take restraint. Check back next week to see what craziness I've come up with. Tell your friends to come, too. But not your friends' friends, because that would be inappropriate. I'm going to sleep now, blissfully floating in the essence of the Arizona Cardinals' 3-2 record, good for first place in the NFC West. Man, will it be depressing to come back and read this post in December if the Cardinals are 6-10 at that point. But for now I'll just enjoy it.

Sunday, September 30, 2007

Interview: Heathcliff

PV: It's an honor, Heathcliff.

H: The pleasure's all mine.

PV: Thank you for taking the time to do this, but can you do me a favor?

H: Sure, anything.

PV: Be a doll and stay off the couch. Animals aren't allowed there. Allergies.

H: Sure thing, boss. Would you do me a favor and go sodomize yourself?

PV: I don't know how to respond. For one, I'm offended by the notion, and on the other hand I'm not sure that's physically possible.

H: It's a figure of speech, Phil. I was offended that you treated me with the indignity of a common housecat.

PV: You took it the wrong way. I'm just really, really allergic. Like, when cat hair is everywhere, my nose stuffs up and I sneeze constantly and I can't even sleep. It was really just a self-preservation thing. Seriously, I'd never want to condescend to someone as famous and powerful as you, Garfield.

H: What the hell did you just call me?

PV: Garf.... Oh, crap. I mixed up my cartoon cats. I'm always confusing you people.

H: You people?

PV: Uh, you felines. Sorry.

H: That's messed up, dude. I don't think I can forgive you that.

PV: C'mon, man. You can't blame me for an innocent slip of the tongue. After all, Garfield is a little more famous.

H: No way, dude. My comic is totally more popular.

PV: That assertion is dubious at best, but whatever you want to believe. At least Garfield has movies, though.

H: If you can call that dreck "movies." I'd rather toil in anonymity than let Hollywood adapt my life story as a Jennifer Love Hewitt romantic comedy.

PV: Hey, don't knock J-Love. She's the bomb in "Ghost Whisperer." Seen it?

H: Nah, but I hear good things. I'm a cat who prefers TV to movies any day of the week. For instance, my landmark Nickelodeon sitcom.

PV: Oh yeah, I remember that. I used to watch it when the Garfield cartoon was on reruns.

H: OK, stop with all the Garfield references or I will rip your throat out. You wanna see why I have the reputation as being the bad boy of cat-toons? Garfield ain't nothing but a crabby fat boy, always complaining and sleeping. I be from the streets. I live in junkyards and kick ass.

PV: Get real, Gar... I mean Heathcliff. I've read your unauthorized biography. You had a stunt double do all the dangerous stuff.

H: I'm gonna kill Dotson Rader.

PV: Don't talk bad about Parade Magazine's Dotson Rader. He's the man.

H: You're right. Dotson is hardcore.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Interview: Link

PV: Thanks for meeting me. Man, I can't believe I'm actually sitting here with Link, the pointy-eared hero, guardian of the Triforce and romancer of Princess Zelda. You're a great American.

L: You're a great American.

PV: Whoah. Dude.

L: Whassup, bra?

PV: I didn't know you could talk. In all your games you're solemn and silent. The most you've ever said is "..."

L: No, I'm not quiet in all my games. Just the good ones; you know, the ones made by Nintendo. I talked up a storm in my adventures on the 3DO system. And don't you remember the animated miniseries in which I starred?

PV: Oh yeah! It played during "The Super Mario Bros. Super Show." Your catch phrase was...

L: Excuuuuuse me!

PV: That was so awesome. I have the series on DVD.

L: Would you like me to autograph it for you?

PV: No thanks. It'd be a waste because it's stacked on a shelf and no one would be able to tell it's autographed.

L: Screw you, man. Here I am, a big celebrity trying to do something nice for a plebian fan, and you blow me off like that? You're lucky I don't pull out my ocarina and play a magical song that will cast a curse upon you.

PV: Please. You don't know any Ocarina songs capable of that. The worse you could do is go back in time or make it rain for a few seconds.

L: Oh yeah? Oh YEAH? Well I've got a sword. I could slash you to bits.

PV: No, Link, you do not have a sword. You always lose them for some reason after you finish saving the princess, and are stuck swordless at the beginning of your next quest, needing to either find a new one from an old guy in a cave or complete a number of irritating fetch quests in order to barter for a blade from the town blacksmith.

L: You're forgetting that sometimes I find one in a forgotten treasure chest in my home.

PV: Be that as it may, the point is you've got no weapons and thus pose no threat to me. You just can't keep a sword. Maybe that's why Zelda keeps getting "captured" by Gannon. You lack a long, hard thing that could give her pleasure.

L: You are!

PV: What?

L: I don't know. At least I'm a famous video game star! You're nothing but a loser.

PV: At least I've had sex.

L: Your mother!

PV: What? Link, you're such a spaz. Whatever dude. Now I can see why Nintendo doesn't let you talk. You're incapable of saying anything worthwhile.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Interview: Punky Brewster

PV: Hi, Punky. You don't seem anything like I expected you to be.

PB: What do you mean?

PV: Well, when your show was big back in the mid 1980s, we were the same age, so I expected you to be in your late 20s or early 30s now. But you're so small and, how shall I put this...

PB: Animated?

PV: Yeah, animated. You look like a cartoon.

PB: That's because I am a cartoon, silly! I'm the Punky from the spinoff cartoon show.

PV: There was a cartoon of "Punky Brewster?"

PB: Of course! My friends Cherie, Alan and Margaux were there, and so was my Yoda-knockoff buddy from the rainbow dimension, Glomer!

PV: Oh, it's all coming back to me now. How could I forget such a pandering product of 80s cheeseballosity like Glomer?

PB: There ya go. Punky Power!

PV: I hate to break it to you, Punky, but the cartoon was awful. Probably the reason I had forgotten about it is I'd blocked it from my memory. Too traumatic to recall.

PB: You've got a bad attitude, mister. Sounds like you need to spend a day with me. I have a way of lifting people's spirits right off the ground every time they turn around.

PV: I guess you're right. You even managed to cheer up your foster parent, cranky ol' Henry Warnimont.

PB: You betcha!

PV: But it wouldn't last. Each episode you'd teach Henry some sort of lesson and get him all cheered up, seeing the brighter side of life and all that good stuff. But then a week would pass and he'd be all pissed off and hating life once again, and you'd just have to repeat the process.

PB: That's because Henry was chronically depressed, silly goose! He was on suicide watch during shooting. If not for me, he would have blown his pathetic brains out years ago!

PV: Now, now, Punky. That's not very nice to say.

PB: But it's the truth, and as Ahmad Rashad taught me, it's always best to tell the truth!

PV: I thought his character taught you that it's always right to avoid stealing ties as Christmas present and then framing your teachers for the theft?

PB: That too. Ahmad taught me many things.

PV: Yeah, me as well. He co-hosted "NBA Inside Stuff" and diagrammed Magic Johnson's fast break. Didn't you just love that show?

PB: Well, since I was a cartoon, I didn't watch much sports on TV, so I'll just have to take your word for it.

PV: You do that.

Sunday, September 09, 2007

Interview: Rainbow Brite

PV: Talk to me, Miss Brite.

RB: I'd rather not. I'm feeling sort of gloomy. And drop the Miss Brite stuff. Call me Rainbow.

PV: Gloomy? Really? But you're known as the happiest person in the world! Always so positive and upbeat. You wear nothing but colorful clothing and always offer words of encouragement to friends even under the toughest of circumstances! You work for Hallmark, for gosh sakes!!!

RB: You know, this had to come out at some point. It's all overcompensation. The true Rainbow Brite is miserable, and uses her sunny disposition to mask the swirling torrent of despair she calls her life. The real Rainbow Brite cries herself to sleep every night and struggles every day to get out of bed and face another day of her miserable, regret-panged existence.

PV: Huh. I never woulda thought that.

RB: That Rainbow Brite wasn't a happy person?

PV: No, I always suspected as much. It's just shocking that you're one of those people who refers to themselves in the third person. What are you, Terrell Owens?

RB: Sorry, force of habit. I can easily shift back to first person if it makes you more comfortable.

PV: Thanks, I appreciate that. I'm surprising how accommodating you are, Rainbow.

RB: My entire life is accommodation. My self esteem is so low that I do everything I can to please others. I can't make my own decisions, and I despise myself for it. I'm nothing more than a sellout shill; a dopey face of forced cheer meant to inspire hordes of impressionable young girls.

PV: Oh, Rainbow. That's not true.

RB: It's not? You don't know how much it means to me to hear that from someone. Are you telling me that I'm wrong to be so despondent, and that there's some truth to the soulless work I've submitted to?

PV: Nah, all I meant was you don't have an impact on young girls. Your show was canceled in 1985, so few people have ever heard of you and even fewer remember you.

RB: Oh. Excuse me. I need to go now.

PV: Why?

RB: I'm going to go huff paint now. It's the only thing that makes me feel good.

PV: Have fun with that.

Sunday, September 02, 2007

Interview: The Leprechaun

PV: Please don't kill me. I don't have your gold - I swear.

L: Your claim is a lie, timid little guy. Kill you I shall. We'll have a ball!

PV: Dude, that poetry was awful. Your syllable count is off and you tried to rhyme "shall" with "ball."

L: Criticize you may, my little friend Jay. But rhyme nor reason will prevent the ending of your season?

PV: Ugh. That was even worse than your last one. What the hell is wrong with you, Lep? Have seven horror films sapped your ability to put a couple threatening limerick versus together?

L: It's tough, man. Someone stole me gold, and I miss it. Ye ever hear that old line "Your treasure is where your heart is?" Well, me treasure is me gold. And thus my heart.

PV: I feel for you. But don't get all depressed on me. Remember back in Leprechaun 5: In Space, when you were blown up into a giant version of yourself and apparently killed?

L: Yeah, I totally remember that. What's your point?

PV: You totally came back in the next film, Leprechaun in the Hood, without any problem whatsoever! And when you were killed in that, you were back once again for Leprechaun: Back 2 the Hood! My point is, you're one resilient mofo.

L: I have me days. But now I'm sad and lonely because they're no longer be making me direct-to-DVD sequels.

PV: Well, that's OK. You can always sell your cereal!

L: Um. That be not me. That's another leprechaun, a frilly nancy by the name of O'Doyle. There's been a row 'tween our families for eons.

PV: Oh, sorry. You people all sort of look alike to me.

L: That be a racist comment. Makes me want to vomit.

PV: Oh haaail no. You rhymed "comment" and "vomit!" You disappoint me, Leprechaun. Your silly rhymes are usually my favorite parts of your idiotic flicks. I expect more from the man who once said "Drink if you like, drink if you're able. When you drink with the Leprechaun, you'll be under the table."

L: Aye, 'twas me better days. The 1990s. All was possible. The entire world was in front of me. Now look at me.

P: 'Twas me better days too, my brotha.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Interview: Strawberry Shortcake

PV: Whoah, is that you under there, Strawberry?

SS: (Puts down trough of chili fries). Yeah. Sorry I was late. I hade, uh, errands.

PV: You mean like eating? It sure looks like you've put on some weight.

SS: Hey, shut up. I've always been a big-boned girl with curves.

PV: It's only fat people who talk about big bones and curves. Those are just cop-outs. Besides, I seem to remember you being rather thin.

SS: By always I meant the past five years, when I stopped playing into society's vision of what a woman should look like. After years of playing the game, I just decided that I don't need to please everyone all the time. Now everything I do is geared to bring joy into the life of the one person who matters most.

PV: The CEO of Little Debbie?

SS: No, dummy. Me. Scoff all you want, I'm going to eat until my big, joyful heart is content.

PV: Don't get me wrong, Strawberry Shortcake. I'm not trying to bash you. I see how it would be very tough to avoid succumbing to obesity when you come from such a food-centric background. Take a look at the sort of people you hang out with. Your friends don't exactly make it easy for a girl to keep a trim figure.

SS: (Sniff). What are you talking about? I have nobody.

PV: Are you kidding me? You have so many friends! I remember back from when, uh, my sisters watched your show. Yeah, it totally was my sisters who watched and not me. There was Blueberry Muffin and her pet Cheesecake the Mouse, Lemon Meringue, Huckleberry Pie and Butter Cookie. You all banded together to contend with the evil The Peculiar Purple Pieman of Porcupine Peak and his cleverly named sidekicks Sour Grapes and Raisin Cane.

SS: I ate them all. I'm such a monster.

PV: That is pretty gross. I think that makes you a cannibal. Did they taste good at least?

SS: Divine. It was like the buffet at the Mirage. No, the Aladdin. Only I didn't have to pay.

PV: And let me guess, because of the ensuing guilt and loneliness that came from devouring all the other characters, you plunged into a spiral of compulsive eating! You eat because you're unhappy...

SS: (Sighs). And I'm unhappy because I eat. Thanks for that.

PV: Not at all. I'm just looking out for your health.

SS: Only shallow louts like you say you're looking out for the "health" of others when you chastise them for their weight. It's just a cop-out.

PV: That hurt, Strawberry, but I admit I deserved it. Let's you and I make a deal, OK? You try to watch your weight, and I'll make an effort to stop judging people based solely on their appearance.

SS: Deal. (Rips open a carton of bonbons and stuffs them into her face five at a time).

PV: Dude! You're totally breaking our deal!

SS: And you're breaking your end of it by being disgusted of how fat and piggish I am.

PV: You always were a wise one, Strawberry Shortcake.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Interview: Vicki the Robot

PV: "Small Wonder" was one of my favorite shows growing up. That and the one whose name I can't remember, about the little girl who stopped time by putting her fingers together.

VTR: Indeed, Phil. Your compliment activated the synthetic neurotrons programmed to scan for adulation. I must add that my memory receptors also do not record the name of the show about the girl who stopped time.

PV: That surprises me that you've lost your memory, Vicki, being a robot and all.

VTR: I blame it on Windows Vista. It screws with everything.

PV: Ain't that the truth. Oh, I just remembered the name of the show! "Out of This World."

VTR: Thank you. Allow me to write the information to my hard disk. OK. Proceed with the questioning.

PV: Why are you talking so... robotic? In "Small Wonder," you seemed to become less androidlike and more human as you went. Have you regressed?

VTR: Again, the culprit is Windows Vista.

PV: I see. Windows Vista is indeed crappy. But come on, Vicki, take some personal responsibility!

VTR: Silence, human, or I will grab you by the throat and lift you off the ground until you repent.

PV: You mean like you did to that schoolyard drug dealer on that one episode? I'd be honored. That was pretty hot.

VTR: Your adjective "hot" does not compute.

PV: I meant it was attractive. I have to say, other than Punky Brewster's friend Margaux, you were the TV girl I wanted to nail the most of all back when I was 8.

VTR: Thank you.

PV: You're welcome. My research has indicated I wasn't alone in my crush. There was a mid-1980s phenomenon in which you appeared in viewers' dreams. There was even a book written about your character!

VTR: This information activates my creepotron indicators, given that 8-year-olds do not write books, so logically the author must have been well into maturation and still fixated on a young girl playing a humanoid robot.

PV: Yeah, it is pretty disgusting. Say, Vicki, since you're a robot, are you like, impossible to beat at chess and tic-tac-toe?

VTR: Defeat is not in my memory bank.

PV: Well, neither was "Out of This World."

VTR: Yes it was. I was only simulating an ignorance level similar to your own in order to make you feel more comfortable. The directive came from a program installed in me meant to build a rapport during interviews.

PV: Vicki the Robot, you so crazy.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Interview: Sonny the Cuckoo Bird

PV: Sonny, what is it exactly that makes you cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs?

S: I'm glad you asked me, Phil, and let me say that is a great question that I don't get very often. The draw for me has always been the unique blend of chocolate flavoring coating the spheres of delightful crunch that make up the infrastructure of the cereal I've been so cuckoo to represent for nearly half a century.

PV: I thought you were gonna say the chocolate milk that's left over once you're done eating the puffs.

S: Ah, but the chocolate aftermilk, while tasty enough to make me go cuckoo, is only an added bonus. Far from the prime mover, I'm sure you'd agree.

PV: Whatever. So what makes Cocoa Puffs any better than, say, Coco-Roos?

S: I resent the comparison. Cocoa Puffs are worth going cuckoo for. Would you go cuckoo just to save a few cents on a Malt-o-meal knockoff of an inferior product? I think not.

PV: But it's pretty much the same cereal, right?

S: You're cuckoo for even suggesting such an oversimplified misrepresentation of the greatest cereal ever known to man! Take it back or I will end this interview immediately.

PV: OK, I'm sorry.

S: Apology accepted.

PV: I'm not really sorry. I just said that so you wouldn't walk out on the interview.

S: Since I see you're too cuckoo to grasp this concept on your own, let me spell it out to you. Cocoa Puffs are the original. The Babe Ruth of chocolate crunchball cereals, if you will. Coco Roos, on the other hand, are little more than cocky, Johnny-come-lately imitators. More like Barry Bonds.

PV: But Barry Bonds is better than Babe Ruth. He's hit tons more home runs.

S: Yes, but Barry Bonds uses steroids! And don't try to tell me that he's clean just because he's never tested positive. Such tests can be easily manipulated.

PV: Yeah, but everybody else in baseball uses steroids also, so it's a level playing field. And besides, Babe Ruth didn't have to face nearly as difficult competition as Bonds because black people weren't allowed to play back in the day.

S: Damn, I've never thought of it that way. I'm feeling a little bit cuckoo. Maybe I should rethink other truths I've long held to be self evident.

PV: Maybe that all chocolate cereals are created equal?

S: Perhaps, Phil. Perhaps.

Sunday, August 05, 2007

Interview: Sonic the Hedgehog

PV: Hey there, Sonic.

S: What's the haps, yo? You down?

PV: Sonic, you don't have to try to be hip or edgy. Just talk normally please.

S: Sorry, force of habit. When you're the face of an organization you've got a lot of pressure on you to relate to the kids of today.

PV: True, but Sega's last console was the Dreamcast in 2000, so the pressure must be sort of lessened, yes?

S: Well, um, yeah. But I'm still the face of Sega, and Sega still makes games. Lots of 'em. Lots of Sonic games.

PV: Lots of horrid Sonic games.

S: You're maybe confusing me with my evil doppeldanger, Shadow. There are plenty of bad Shadow games, but no bad Sonic games.

PV: Let's see here: Sonic and the Secret Rings, Sonic Rush, Sonic Spinball, Sonic Chaos...

S: OK, OK, I get the point. Even superstars like me slip up every now and then. I've had a lot of great games, too.

PV: Like what?

S: OK, OK, all my games suck. I'll admit it. But they sell well.

PV: True enough.

S: And I move really, really fast.

PV: That's the thing. You really don't move so fast.

S: I'm the fastest video game character ever created.

PV: Granted, you are capable of moving at high speeds, but it's rare that your games let you reach your full potential. Most of the time you're just hopping around like an idiot.

S: That's only because that's how you choose to control me.

PV: Well if I make you run fast, you'll die.

S: How is that my problem? I said I was fast, not sturdy.

PV: True, true, to borrow a phrase from my idol, Merry Miller. So Sonic, what is it exactly that makes you so fast?

S: That's easy - blast processing.

PV: Oh, come on, Sonic. The phrase "Blast processing" is just a meaningless gimmick dreamed up by the Sega marketing department in the mid 1990s to tout the Genesis. What's the real reason?

S: I don't think I should say.

PV: Is it, by chance, anabolic steroids?

S (breaking down into tears): It wasn't me who decided to dope up! I was always clean, I swear it to you. It was my coach and my training partner Ben.

PV: Hold up - you mean to tell me that you trained with 1988 Canadian 100 meter sprint gold medalist Ben Johnson?

S: I could beat him 9 times out of 10, too. Too bad the world of 1988 was too racist to allow computer animated hedgehogs into international competition.

PV: Too bad, man. I bet you woulda smoked Johnson for the gold.

S: You know I would have.

PV: But you would have had your medal taken away once the blood test came in.

S: True, true.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Interview: Joe Camel

PV: I can't quite put my finger on it, Joe, but there's something compelling about you.

JC: It must be that I'm a cartoon meant to appeal to the immature and easily suggestion-prone!

PV: You know, that's it! Boy, do I wish I were smoking that special blend of Turkish and Virginia tobacco.

JC: You know what they say: To err is human. To smoke Camel cigarettes, divine.

PV: Who says that?

JC: The Camel P.R. people.

PV: And I can dig it.

JC: You know, people give me a bad rap for trying to get kids to buy my product, but what the hell? We all gotta die someday, right?

PV: Yeah, and old age is overrated anyway. Who wants to live to be 80 if you're some uncool stick in the mud who never got to light up? And you have to worry about having enough money for retirement and all. Yuk. Throat cancer totally does you a favor.

JC: And what a pathetic life it is, that of a nonsmoker. I can't imagine what it must be like to go all your years without the smooth, full taste of filtered Camel enjoyment.

PV: I heard that.

JC: The media lefties also get on us for exploiting China. What's the problem with that? There are too many people in China anyway.

PV: Yeah, their government even admits as much, with that law forcing people to have no more than one kid.

JC: Tobacco manufacturers deserve credit from the Chinese government for doing what they can to help keep the population down.

PV: And now they're passing all these laws. First they banned smoking in airplanes, but now they're not even letting people light up in restaurants and bars. They won't even let you advertise on TV or in kiddie magazines!

JC: I see it as a violation of our constitutional rights. But rest assured, our lobbyists are constantly lining the pockets of legislators insuring that harsher measures aren't passed. We wouldn't want anything crazy to happen, like outlawing cigarette vending machines or setting up harsh penalties for kids who use fake IDs to buy our product.

PV: Joe, I have to tell you, I've never smoked, I hate smoking and I think what you do is despicable. I was only pretending to be a fan in order to get you to reveal incriminating information about the way you and your entire industry operate.

JC: Uh, I, uh don't know what to say.

PV: Aw, how can I stay mad at you? You're nothing more than a cute, lovable camel! I apologize.

JC: Apology accepted. Now let's go out and smoke a pack together. It's never too late to start!

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Interview: Kid Icarus

PV: So what's your real name, anyway? Pit or Kid Icarus.

KI: My birth certificate says Pit, but my game was called Kid Icarus and my friends call me Flyboy. Call me Kid Icarus.

PV: Does that mean we're not friends?

KI: I don't have any friends anymore. It's funny. You start out successful and everyone flocks around you, but if your game doesn't get any sequels they all forget about you. That's just how our celebrity-obsessed culture is.

PV: Sounds kind of sad. So what have you been doing with your time?

KI: I've been keeping busy. My agent got me a co-starring gig in "Captain N: The Game Master," and I've nabbed a few cameos here and there.

PV: Right, like in old-school "Tetris" when you pop out on the ledge at the end of the level and play an instrument.

KI: Yeah, that and I'm also in "Super Smash Bros. Brawl" for the Wii. That kind of thing gives me some extra scratch. Not that I really need the money. I have the ability to fly, so I can steal a lot of shit easily whenever I need it.

PV: Say it ain't so, Kid Icarus! You've turned to a life of crime?

KI: Hey, I do what I gotta do. Don't try and get all sanctimonious on me. You've stolen things too. Remember Napster?

PV: Uh, that wasn't me. It was my roommate.

KI: Sure it was. You'd better hope that holds up in court when Metallica finally gets around to suing your ass.

PV: But I was innocent! Everyone was doing it! It was before iTunes!

KI: I'm not trying to make any moral judgments on you. I'm just getting you to see things my way. You stole music because you had easy access. My wings give me the same thing. If you had them you'd be just as much of a criminal as I am.

PV: No I wouldn't! I'd use my powers for good. I'd hop from platform to platform and shoot arrows at Medusa's heads.

KI: Trust me, Phil. I've seen you play - or at least try to play my game. You'd die 25 times on the first level and then give up for 20 years.

PV: Hey, ct me a break. I was a little kid. I downloaded your game on the Wii and I did much better.

KI: No you didn't. You died three times and then gave up again.

PV: But I got farther... Hey! How would you know about any of that anyway?

KI: Duh. I'm the guy in the game. I know everything.

PV: No, you're just a vain stalker. You fly into peoples' houses to watch them play your game, don't you?

KI: That too.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Interview: Little Mac

PV: Little Mac, I've got to say you were a hero of mine growing up. You made 8-year-olds everywhere feel like they could knock out Mike Tyson with a series of leaping counter-punches.

LM: It was a great win at the time, but...

PV: Yeah, Nowadays pretty much anybody can and does kick Mike Tyson's ass. To be honest, I think it was you who first cracked his sheen of invulnerability. Once people saw take him down, it gave everyone else hope and it sort of had Mike doubting himself. You cleared the way for Buster Douglas. Pretty soon after Tyson was in jail and you were tangling with his half-hearted replacement, Mr. Dream.

LM: I did what I could. Tyson liked to talk a lot of shit, but I put him in his place. I had a good run there for a while. To be honest with you it was all my fans. I was pretty much an inanimate collection of pixels and 8-bit processor code. It was finger speed and timing that turned me into a champion.

PV: Not to mention those training runs Doc Louis used to take you on.

LM: Yeah, Doc worked me hard. He'd roll up to my apartment in the middle of the night with that bike of his, and I'd be all groggy, throwing the first sweatshirt I could find so I could go out and follow him on runs.

PV: So that explains why you wore a pink sweatshirt.

LM: Yeah, I wouldn't even turn on the lights so I just grabbed any old thing.

PV: But tell me this, Little Mac. Why was it that you had a pink hoodie in the first place?

LM: It, uh... used to be red but faded because I sweated through it and it bled out the color.

PV: I see. I have some red shirts that I run in and that didn't happen with them.

LM: Right. Yours were probably made in the last 10 years. Back in the 80s the dyes weren't as strong. Really, I would never buy pink clothing. I'm totally masculine, dude.

PV: Well, not totally.

LM: What? Don't tell me you're about to rag on me about wearing a tanktop in the ring. Doc made me wear that so I'd have extra protection. Do you remember how big those guys were?

PV: They were pretty damn big. But you have to admit, a lot of your wins came against mediocre competition, to put it kindly. I mean Glass Joe? He only had one win in 100 fights, and that was due to a disqualification. Von Kaiser must be German for "tomato can." And who can forget that ludicrous bout with Don Flamenco in which he threw one punch and then sat there with his mouth open when you unleashed a series of 50 left-right combos to floor him within 38 seconds.

LM: Hey, I fought whoever they threw in front of me. I didn't negotiate the contracts. You gotta admit I survived a few wars. Soda Popinski? Super Macho Man? They were animals.

PV: I still have nightmares about Super Macho Man's jiggling breasts of victory.

LM: And Bald Bull and his bull charge. What power and intimidation.

PV: Especially in the second bout, when he wouldn't go down unless you threw an uppercut or slugged him in the stomach during the charge.

LM: And Great Tiger, when he used that magic to float around the ring in circles.

PV: Come on, Little Mac. That wasn't so tough. All you had to do was just block a few times, then he'd stand there stunned, having some sort of eye seizure until you smacked him in the turban.

LM: So tell me about your career nowadays? What's next for Little Mac?

LM: Well, I've done pretty well for myself. I've got a comeback match lined up with Evander Holyfield - the winner of that gets to fight Tonmmy Morrison at the Tennessee state fair.

PV: Really, at your age? You oughta be careful.

LM: Hey, I'm only 39. Rocky Balboa is in his 60s and he's still throwing hurtin' bombs.

PV: "Rocky Balboa" was just a movie, Little Mac. Video games are real life.

LM: Don't count me out, man. Actually, do count me out, because I relish the role as an underdog.

PV: I think you're just unnecessarily risking your health in a desperate grab for your former glory.

LM: I'm doing OK. I'm still big in the gaming world.

PV: Oh yeah? I thought you'd retired from that scene. I saw you didn't even make the cut in the sequel, "Super Punch Out" back in '94.

LM: Um, yeah... That was because of my agent. But I am the star of Wii Sports boxing.

PV: I hate to break this to you, bro, but you're not in every copy of that game. Just in mine, because I made a Mii that crudely looks like you and named it "Little Mac."

LM: Hmm. But I still get royalties, right?

PV: Sure, I'll give you ten bucks.

LM: Thank you. Boy do I need the money.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Interview: Oscar the Grouch

PV: So, Oscar, why are you so grouchy?

OTG: Are you freaking kidding me? That's the dumbest question I ever heard. Why do you think? For one, PBS doesn't pay me, so I'm forced to live in this damn garbage can. I'm surrounded by morons who are happy for no reason, and I've always got a camera in my face. How happy would you be in my situation?

PV: Sorry, man. I didn't mean anything by it. Just trying to make conversation.

OTG: Hey, I'm sorry. It's just that life sucks and tend to lash out at those around me.

PV: Sounds counterproductive.

OTG: You're telling me. It's just a neverending spiral of depression, and probably why my wife left me.

PV: Divorced, huh? I never realized you were married. Who was the lucky bride?

OTG: Liz Taylor.

PV: Good job, man. She had it going on back in the day.

OTG: This was last year.

PV: Ouch.

OTG: Yeah, I know. We were drunk and in Vegas. One thing kinda led to another, and now I'm stuck with a monthly alimony payment.

PV: You're paying Liz Taylor alimony? How does that work? She's gotta be far more wealthy than you, right?

OTG: What can I say, she's got some killer lawyers and I defended myself in divorce court because I didn't trust anyone else to do the work for me.

PV: Sounds like you would have been better off with Elmo as your lawyer.

OTG: Ha ha. Very funny. I hate that prick. He's the one Liz left me for.

PV: I had no idea Liz Taylor was so into Sesame Street. Bizarre.

OTG: What are you trying to say? Is there something wrong with marrying a muppet? You humans and your superiority complexes.

PV: It's not that I think we're better. It's just that I'd never heard of puppets getting married to former movie stars before.

OTG: Sure, backpedal it up, you racist bastard. I oughta get Al Sharpton on your ass.

PV: Please don't. He'll probably get me fired from my job, and I need the paycheck.

OTG: You're breaking my heart. Tell you what. Find me a half-eaten pizza or a loaf of moldy bread and we'll call it even. I'm hungry.

PV: No deal, Oscar. That's extortion.

OTG: Well how about I jump out of this can and kick your ass then?

PV: Oscar, you and I both know you never leave that can.

OTG: Ya got me.

Saturday, June 30, 2007

Interview: Mega Man

PV: Hi, Mega Man.

MM: Mega hi!

PV: Aw, crap. Don't tell me you actually talk the way you were portrayed in the animated series "Captain N: The Game Master. That's so obnoxious.

MM: Mega talk what mega way?

PV: You know, adding "mega" to the beginning of everything you say. We're only three questions into our discussion and I already want it to be over.

MM: Mega...

PV: Just say what you want to say! No wonder none of your video games ever let you talk. You're a moron! Is it too much to ask that a cannon-armed robot be able to communicate effectively?

MM: It's just that...

PV: Hey! Very good. You didn't start that sentence with "mega." Now, Mega Man, what is it you're trying to tell me?

MM: Mega...

PV: There's that word again! Dammit, Mega Man, I thought we were making progress!

MM: Mega...

PV: Mega? Is that a country? Do they speak English in Mega?

MM: Dude, you're totally copying Samuel L. Jackson in "Pulp Fiction" there. Get some new material.

PV: Why yes - yes I was. I'm so proud of you! You got through a full answer without using that word!

MM: That's because you finally shut your damn mouth long enough to allow me to actually get a word in. I don't have some speech impediment that makes me start phrases with "mega." That idiotic cartoon version of me on "Captain N" is totally Hollywood - just a simplistic creation to pander to dolts like you.

PV: But what about earlier when you kept starting your sentences with "mega"?

MM: The first time I was just putting on an act. I thought that's what you'd want, like how everyone harasses Gary Coleman into saying "Whatchu talking 'bout, Willis?" whenever they meet him. The second time I was just screwing with you.

PV: But what about the times after that?

MM: I wasn't even trying to say "mega' - you just stopped me too soon. The first time I was talking about my android wife, Megan, and another time I was about to make an observation about that megaphone over there in the corner of the interview room.

PV: Wow. I'm so, so sorry. You must think I'm as big of an asshole as Dr. Wiley right about now. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

MM: Sure, whatever. You're forgiven. I've got to cut this short though. Dr. Wiley took over eight robot planets again and set a single-weaponed android boss on each one to protect it. I've gotta run, go co defeat all the androids, assimilate their attacks into my arm cannon and then threaten to kill Dr. Wiley until he begs for mercy and I let him go again.

PV: Maybe you should just kill him this time, you know? It's been like 20 games now where you've done the same routine over and over. You could move on to other things.

MM: Maybe you should shut the hell up.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Interview: Yoshi

PV: Dude, I'm so honored to be talking to you right now. It's actually you, Yoshi! The dinosaur who lets Mario ride him like a pony! You're a hero, man!

Y: I'm not gonna lie. My body of work is pretty incredible and I can see why you're so overwhelmed. Super Mario World, Yoshi's Island 1 and 2, and my kick-ass career on Mario Kart can be pretty intimidating.

PV: Tell me, Yoshi, what is is that angers you the most?

Y: I hate it when people yell out the word "Yo!" when they're calling out to someone on the street, because I always think they're addressing me, then I walk up to them and they're looking at someone behind me.

PV: Yeah, that would suck. But I bet you get a lot of people mobbing you on the street because of your status. You must be living the great life.

Y: To me it's just a day job. My life is actually just like yours.

PV: Really?

Y: Yeah, except I have more money than your entire family combined and I get to have sex with whoever I want to, whenever I want to, however I want to.

PV: You just put some disgusting thoughts into my head.

Y: I'm sure you're just jealous, which is understandable. I mean, I'm Yoshi, and you're just a reporter. I'm sick of you media types always hounding me for interviews, and then when I sit down with you you're so negative. It's like everyone wants a piece of me. I don't have the time to be dealing with crap like this.

PV: Actually, Yoshi, this is the first interview you've ever given. And I was sort of sandbagging at the beginning there, because I know you're one of the less popular characters in the Super Mario universe and I was just trying to make you feel better about yourself - you know, butter you up a bit to build a rapport.

Y: You mean you're not in awe of my presence?

PV: Not at all. You're like the fourth most famous person I'm talking to this week. This interview means nothing to me.

Y: (Sniffs). That's sort of mean. (Sniffs).

PV: I'm just joshing you, Yoshi. It's just that my friend bet me $5 I couldn't make you cry, so now that I've won and I've got it on tape we can just move on.

Y: That's just cruel. You play with a video game dinosaur's emotions for $5? What's wrong with you?

PV: What's wrong with me? What's wrong with you? You have all these great abilities and you just waste them. Depending on which eggs you eat, you can fly or spit fire at enemies, and you never use them on your own projects. You're just Mario's stooge. Where's the self respect, man?

Y: What are you talking about? I have my own series of games!

PV: Yeah, but even in those you're still doing Mario's bitchwork, chauffeuring baby Mario and baby Luigi around wherever they want to go.

Y: Well, it's just that I'm loyal to those guys because, uh, I really like them.

PV: Be honest with me, Yoshi. It's blackmail, isn't it?

Y: They have nude pictures of me when I was younger, trying to make my career as a model.

PV: You can't stand for that kind of treatment, Yoshi!

Y: Hey, walk a mile in my shoes. I've got a reputation to maintain.

PV: I guess.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Interview: Jeff the Mannequin

PV: Ah, Jeff the Mannequin from the beloved Nickelodeon show "Today's Special." Pleased to make your acquaintance.

J: The pleasure is all mine. My only request is that you ask your questions quickly, because we don't have much time.

PV: No?

J: As you know if you're familiar with the TV program, my magic hat only allows me come to life when the store is closed. We're opening up again in a few minutes.

PV: That's a heck of a lot of exposition, Jeff. I know all about your hat, how it was given to you by the magician Waldo the Magnificent and how wearing it lets you go off on adventures with the store designer, Jodie.

J: Of course, Phil. I was only giving your readers some background.

PV: What readers?

J: Surely you have readers, do you not?

PV: Not really. I used to have a few, but I guess they sort of got bored with this fake interview concept.

J: Why that's too bad. Would you like Jodie and I to teach you a lesson in how to reach out to new friends?

PV: I'll pass. No offense, but your show wasn't so good at teaching lessons, and that's probably why it got canceled after just a few years.

J: We lasted six years and made international syndication. Not bad for a low-budget Canadian show.

PV: Right, but still, you were no Sesame Street. Most of the things you taught me were completely irrelevant or altogether false.

J: I'm sorry to hear that. Would you kindly elaborate?

PV: Well, like talking mice who interact with robots to fix the store's P.A. system, and the sound boxes that would open up and music would sprout out. Those don't really exist. Also, your show made it look like it was possible for a lonely person to engage in a fulfilling relationship with a mannequin. And let me tell you, from my personal experience with the pointy-nippled dress mannequins at Dillard's, it ain't as easy as you and Jodie made it look.

J: Speak for yourself. I never had any trouble getting those Dillard's mannequins to put out. They were complete whores. They must have found you even below their pathetically low standards.

PV: Be that as it may, I didn't really get much from your show. For me it was like "Darkwing Duck" or "Inspector Gadget" - something I watched more out of habit than enjoyment.

J: Oh really? Sounds like an apt descriptor for my nightly sexual rendezvous with your mother.

PV: Believe me, Jeff. You don't want to get into a yo momma thing with me. I'll lay waste to your inanimate ass.

J: I'm sorry. I didn't mean what I said. It's not me. It's the magic hat.

PV: Sure, blame the hat.

J: OK, it's only partially the hat. I'm also kind of a dick off camera. But let me ask you something - you caught the show on Nickelodeon, right?

PV: Right.

J: Well that explains why you may not have learned much. "Today's Special" was made for commercial-free public TV, and commercial network trimmed a few minutes off so they could squeeze in commercials.

PV: Huh, I never knew that. What kind of stuff did they cut out?

J: Quizzes, explanations of the show's morals, all sorts of great stuff. Believe me, if you had gotten to watch the whole thing, you would have been a much smarter young boy, and in turn a much wiser man.

PV: Be honest, Jeff. They really only trimmed the dopey musical numbers, didn't they?

J: Sorta.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Interview: Count Chocula

PV: Dude, you've got the best cereal ever made.

CC: I vant to suck your blood.

PV: Geez, man. That's a little too forward for my liking. Learn how to take a compliment.

CC: Sorry, I just thought I'd make it clear, the reason vy I agreed to this interview.

PV: Fair enough. You are, after all a vampire. But let me make one thing clear - there will be no blood sucking. I brought an oak dagger with me and I won't hesitate to drive it through that black little heart of yours if you so much as take a step toward me.

CC: I understand. It's just me and my hand tonight.

PV: A fan of Pink, are you?

CC: Yes, yes. Veddy much so. I go all the way back to her early stuff. I vonder if I have a shot vith her. Perhaps she ate my cereal growing up? You know I laced the cereal with a chemical that vas meant to make vair maidens vall hopelessly in love vith the Count.

PV: Don't think you have much of a shot, Choc. She's married. Besides, you wouldn't be good for her anyway. You'd probably just string her along for a while, suck her dry and send her into your harem of undead wenches.

CC: Vat can I say. The underground just don't stop for hos, yo.

PV: You like Tupac, too?

CC: Voo doesn't?

PV: I dunno. I just thought you'd be more into the Transylvanian music scene.

CC: I'm not vrom Transylvania, kid. I vas born and vaised in South Philly.

PV: Awesome. That's where Rocky is from. Did you ever run up the stairs of the Philadelphia Museum of Art and raise your fists in glory?

CC: All the time. The truth is, I vas hoping to be a boxer ven I vas just a young batling. I succumbed to the vamily business in order to please my vatter.

PV: That surprises me. You always seemed so happy with your work. What great people to work with - Frankenberry and Boo Berry.

CC: Bah! Zey vere just vanna-bees. My chocolate goodness is so much better tasting.

PV: Yeah, it's pretty good. I liked to mix it with Frankenberry. The after-milk - you know, the stuff left over after I was done with the cereal, was the most delicious blend of strawberry and chocolate.

CC: How dare you dilute the purity of my product by mixing it with something so inferior? A curse on your and your family for a thousand generations!

PV: Curse on you and your family for a billion generations.

CC: Hey! Please, take it back?

PV: Only if you take back your curse on me.

CC: Fine, done.

PV: Done.

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Interview: Mr. Rogers

PV: Whoah. I totally didn't expect you to show up today.

MR: Well, neighbor, old habits die hard. Just as I never missed appearing on my show in 35 years, I make it a point not to miss an interview appointment.

PV: I understand you're punctual, but you're dead, aren't you?

MR: I may have passed away due to stomach cancer in 2003, but I'll live forever on DVD. Wherever there are educational puppets, I'll be there. Wherever there are hobby trains that go through living rooms, you'll see me. Wherever there are cardigan sweaters, there my spirit shall be.

PV: So are you, like, a ghost? Can you go through walls and stuff? Or do you have some sort of problem I need to help you solve like the spirits in "The Sixth Sense?"

MR: The only problem I have are your probing questions. How about you let me read a book to you?

PV: A book? What am I, five? This isn't your show, Rogers. It's an interview. I'm here to get some hard answers from you.

MR: Shoot.

PV: Funny you should mention that word. Everyone says you served as a Navy SEAL as a sniper, laying waste to enemies with chilling precision. So how about it, are you handy with a sniper rifle?

MR: Violence is no way to solve problems, neighbor. People who disagree should watch a puppet show or share a book.

PV: That doesn't answer my question.

MR: No, I didn't serve in Vietnam. I'm a pacifist.

PV: Or are you just covering something up? If you really did do top-secret ops in the war I'm sure you wouldn't tell a schlub like me.

MR: I must admit, a sweater-wearing, slow-talking kiddie show host would have made a great cover for secret government assassin. I guess you'll just have to take me at my word. Honesty, you know, is the best policy.

PV: Don't take this the wrong way, but you always creeped me out.

MR: Did I? Or did you really love my show as a child and only started to see me as creepy once you were older and more cynical?

PV: Um, um...

MR: I think we both know the answer. The only creepiness you see in a wholesome, fatherly persona such as myself is that which you project onto me. Now apologize.

PV: I'm sorry I called you creepy, Mr. Rogers.

MR: Apology accepted.

PV: But, uh, you are kind of creepy. After all, you're a ghost!

MR: Am I a ghost, or a hologram? I'll never reveal my secrets.

PV: You are a shifty one, sir. Now I know for sure you didn't serve in Vietnam.

MR: Oh yes? Why is that?

PV: Because if you had, we would have won the war, because you're Mr. Rogers, and you're immortal and you're awesome.

MR: I can't argue with you there.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Interview: Big Bird

PV: Yo, Big, what's going down on the street?

BB: Same crap, different day. Oscar is complaining, Bert and Ernie are hanging out in the closet and Count Von Count is into his usual OCD routine. I need to get out of here, man. It's been decades with this same exact gig. My agent doesn't know what the hell he's doing.

PV: So you're ready to move on, huh? I always thought you'd be a Sesame Street lifer. You always looked like you were having such a good time.

BB: It's acting, baby. My craft. I'm into the whole method thing. Live it, breathe it, experience it and sell it to your audience. It's all a lie, my whole public image. I've been in and out of depression for 15 years now. My performance evaluations are always miserable, and the raises the tight-assed management gives out are comically small. We need to at least unionize or something.

PV: I'd vote Cookie Monster as your union treasurer.

BB: Yeah, right. I wouldn't trust that gluttonous fool around loose cash. You think cookies are the only things he can't stop consuming? You should see the guy when he goes off on benders of Scotch, hashish and prostitutes in Amsterdam. It's incredible that lifestyle of his hasn't driven him into the grave.

PV: Cookie Monster's a drug and whore addict? I'd never have known! Next thing you'll tell me is Snuffleupagus is a Scientologist!

BB: Snuff ain't real, bro. Ever wonder why I'm the only one who can see him? It's a total LSD flashback, I guess. The whole Haight-Ashbury scene during the psychadelic area really led me astray.

PV: Wow, I never figured you for an acid dropper.

BB: I did some wild stuff back in the day. You don't even wanna know. So many women.

PV: You slept with actual woman? Gross.

BB: No, I mean female birds, friend. Tons of 'em. Partridges, parakeets, storks, even an ostrich every once in a while.

PV: Ostriches, huh?

BB: Yeah, it's so hot when they stick their faces in the dirt, all bent over. Oh, man.

PV: You're disgusting.

BB: Nothing's disgusting about free love, man. We were gonna change the world. No war, no politics, and material things didn't mean a thing.

PV: And now look at you. You've completely sold out all your ideals. You're nothing but a corporate shill who complains he's not paid enough. Where did you go wrong?

BB: I don't know, man. Somewhere along the way I lost sight of all that I held dear, and now I'm just some letter jockey. Today's letter is F. For forlorn.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Interview: Alvin

PV: How's the chipmunk rock star treating you, Alvin?

A: I just got out of rehab and I'm trying to get my life back together. I'm thinking of getting back with the band for a reunion tour. Or maybe it's time for a solo project.

PV: Rehab? I never knew!

A: Yeah, all those years of touring really took their toll. I lost sight of what was really important, you know? The stress of the road forced me to turn to hookers and drugs, and it really sapped away my creativity.

PV: No offense, but all the songs you and the Chipmunks made were covers, weren't they? So having your creativity sapped away couldn't have hurt you that much.

A: I resent that remark. Do you know how much skill it takes to sing fast, high-pitched versions of classic rock songs? It's harder than it looks, man. I'd like to see you do it. You could never fill my shoes. You're nothing but a rock journalist sapping off my stardom so you can make your money scribbling stupid little rants in your monthly rag. And besides, we did come up with one song of our own - the intro to the TV show.

PV: First off, I'm not a rock journalist. But I think I remember the song you're talking about. The one that went "Alvin, Simon, Theodore! Doo-doo. Do-do-do-do!" Right? Sorry I overlooked that classic.

A: Apology not accepted due to your sarcasm.

PV: Let's just leave the subject behind and move on then. What was the situation with Dave, your manager? Was he your adoptive father?

A: Dave was an asshole. Ever see that TV miniseries "The Jacksons?" Our lives were exactly like that - Dave was Joe Jackson. First off he took us from our woodland home, then forced us to learn English. As if that wasn't weird and unnatural enough, he also made us form a cover band, and was obsessed with making us big stars. He worked us so hard. We'd do 11 hour practice sessions without a break. He wouldn't even let us pee or eat. Theodore was a big eater, you know, and he would show up to rehearsals with nuts buried in his cheeks. Dave would catch him in the act and pimp slap the nuts right out of his mouth. He was cruel, man. So cruel.

PV: At least you had the Chipettes to tour with, right? That had to have lifted the burden. I always thought it was amazing how there happened to be a female singing chipmunk trio, and they were exactly like you: Brittany, the smartass leader who was a female version of you; Jeanette, the awkward, lanky dork and Eleanor, the fat-assed malcontent who always screwed things up like Theodore.

A: Yeah, really lucky. The bitches wouldn't put out at all.

PV: That amazes me. Brittany always seemed slutty to me.

A: A total acorn tease, dude. I don't even wanna get into it.

PV: That's too bad, you guys could have had some incredibly talented children.

A: Brother, I don't even know how many children I have out there. There were so many groupies, so many orgies and one-night stands. And I'm sure I don't even remember the half of it. I never even wore a condom.

PV: Gross.

A: You're just jealous.

PV: I would have been jealous if you got to have sex with Brittany. I was totally into her when I was 5. But no, Alvin. I just pity you.

A: Get out of my house.

PV: I'm not in your house. We're talking on the phone.

A: Oh yeah. I just hallucinated that you were here because of an acid flashback.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Interview: Smokey the Bear

PV: Hey there, Smokey. How is the fire prevention going?

STB: It like, totally sucks bro. I was listening to Phish last night and smoking a bowl, tryin' to come to terms with the eternal parabolic dimensions of light and dark, smoke and fire. You know what I mean?

PV: I haven't the slightest clue. Hey, what's that smell, and why are your eyes bloodshot and glazed over? Why, Smokey, are you high?

STB: Guilty as charged, Maynard. Want some?

PV: Of course not! I've never smoked in my life and besides, I'm on the job! You should be ashamed of yourself. You're supposed to be a role model for children?

STB: You're totally talking like the man, always trying to keep a brotha down. Ain't nobody a role model. Parents should be role models, man. Check yoself. Before you reck yoself. Ahahahahaha!

PV: Get ahold of yourself, Smokey. I've got a tape recorder here. This will probably end up on the news and ruin your reputation like that time Alec Baldwin called his kid a "thoughtless little pig."

STB: Hey, whatever happens happens, ya know? How do you think I got the name "Smokey" in the first place, man? I was always weed crazy. I'd smoke anything man. Pinecones, whatever. The Forest Service shouldn't a never hired me if they needed a mascot who wasn't gonna stop tokin.' Hey, "tokin'" sounds like "token," right? Like what the change machines at Golf 'N Stuff give you instead of quarters. Trippy!

PV: Will you pull yourself together? Don't you realize who you are and what you represent?

STB: Hey, I've got no responsibility. Remember, only you can prevent forest fires. Hahahahaha.

PV: Ah, your catch phrase. How does that make any sense, by the way? How's a 12 year old going to prevent a forest fire?

STB: To be honest, by remembering to put out his joints before he falls asleep on camping trips. Man, I forgot to do that a couple years ago up on Mount Lemmon near Tucson. Boy, that was a big mistake.

PV: What? It was you who caused that calamity that made national news? But I thought they convicted someone of starting that fire!

STB: It was all a cover up. The suits weren't gonna let the public face of fire prevention take the fall. It's totally a conspiracy, man. Like Area 52 and...

PV: Wait, did you say "Area 52?" Don't you mean Area 51?

STB: Nah, man. Area 51 is the one the media industrial complex wants you to talk about so you don't find out about Area 52. They keep JFK's head there and Elvis and robot-Hitler are poker buddies. You wouldn't believe... And also.... zzzzzzzz...

PV: Dammit, Smokey! You forgot to put out your joint before you fell asleep. Hmm. Maybe I'll try some of this for myself.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Interview: Lion-O

PV: Thanks for sitting down with me, Lion-O. I must say you're still looking good after all these years.

LO: Thunder! Thunder! Thunder! Thundercats, Ho!

PV: Come again?

LO: Oh, sorry. I'm on my hands free here, calling out a Thundercats raid against that rascally Safari Joe. didn't realize you had started talking.

PV: Too cool. Who's on the line? Snarf? Cheetara? Tygra?

LO: Um, ah, someone else.

PV: Who?

LO: (Sighs). Uh, 1-800-555-TELL.

PV: Huh. I knew you could get stock quotes, sports scores and movie times on that hotline, but I didn't realize you could call Thundercats defense raids!

LO: Well, um, yeah. You totally... uh...

PV: Lion-O! I'm on to you. Come clean, you're really just pretending to call out Thundercats defense raids, aren't you now.

LO: Yeah. The thing is, I'm just sad and lonely. The other Thundercats don't return my calls anymore.

PV: Why?

LO: It all stems from a Christmas paty back in '87. You know how it goes. I had one too many drinks and all of a sudden I'm telling racist jokes, coughing up hairballs and my tail is up Pumyra's skirt. Suddenly I'm a pariah with no friends who can't find a job anywhere across the galaxy from from Thundera to Third Earth.

PV: You could always go work for Mumm-Ra. He was always trying to tempt you to join him and rule Third Earth as your first lieutenant.

LO: I'm aghast at the suggestion. Never would I join the forces of evil.

PV: Admit it, Lion-O. You applied and couldn't get an interview, right?

LO: Yeah.

PV: Lion-O, you're an alcoholic, aren't you?

LO: No, I rarely drink, actually. But I am an addict.

PV: Crack? Heroine? Guitar Hero II?

LO: Thundercatnip.

PV: How cliche.

LO: I know. I'm ashamed. But my life isn't a total loss, right? At the height of my fame I inspired young boys like you to become great, honorable contributors to society! Surely that must count for something.

PV: Dude, I'm an entertainment writer who makes up imaginary interviews with cartoon superheroes. I contribute nothing to society.

LO: I think I'll go kill myself now.

Sunday, April 29, 2007

Interview: Smurfette

PV: I've got to tell you, I'm a huge fan.

S: Stop smurfing at me like that, you leering perv. As if I'd ever smurf a human.

PV: Looking at you like what?

S: You're un-smurfing me with your eyes.

PV: No I'm not. I'm a married man. I don't think impure thoughts about any women, let alone a Smurf. Even if she is the lone female smurf. So hot, so lonely, just waiting for prince charming to whisk her away from a life of cruel exploitation amid an all-male society. So luscious and tempting, but no. I must resist the urge to declare my lifelong lust for the petite blue sex object of my dreams.

S: Did you realize you smurfed that out loud?

P: Was I? Damn. OK, I'll admit it. There was a time in my life when all I could think about was making sweet, sensuous love to you. But that was long ago, 1985. I was 7. You were my one true love in between Ms. Pac Man and Punky Brewster. But no more. I moved on.

S: Good to hear. You'd be smurfed how many fellas your age are still smurfed on me.

P: Do you mean like "Donnie Darko" director Richard Kelly?

S: Yeah, smurf-ally. His sick little smurf-asy about me smurfing Papa Smurf while Gargamel watches and smurfs off? Disgusting.

P: So?

S: So what?

P: Is there any truth to that. Like, did you have sex with other smurfs, and if so, which ones?

S: There was one special fella, but no. A smurf never smurfs and smurfs.

P: Oh, come on. Everyone really needs to know. It's like one of the greatest mysteries in this world outside of who shot J.F.K. and why people watched "Friends."

S: Smurf off. I'll never tell.

P: Playing hardball, eh? OK, tell me what smurfs you smurfed or else I'm going to release that smurf tape that has you smurfing Gargamel's cat over the Internet.

S: There... uh, is no smurf tape.

P: Try me. I've got it downloaded on my computer at home. I'm not above extortion. Give me the information I demand or else your reputation goes up in flames.

S: I should be so lucky. Did you see what a smurf tape smurfed for Smurfis Smirfton? I'll be insta-famous and hanging with Britney and Lindsay in a heartbeat.

P: Allright, you called my bluff, Smurfette. There is no tape. And even if there were , it would do far more good for your celebrity status than bad. I've got nothing. Will you forgive me?

S: Forget about it. I've gotta be smurfing. It's been smurf.

P: But, but wait! Oh, is this your cell phone? It's beeping! Come back, Smurfette! You've got a text message.... from... hm... Brainy Smurf. It says "whatup, meet me bhind the smurf for a smurfjob." Whoah, total booty call. Your secret is unsafe with me, Smurfette! Damn, I'm so jealous of you, Brainy Smurf.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Interview: Binky the Troll

PV: Thank you for sitting down with me, Binky. I've always admired your work, going back to your days as a pencil topper. Talk about a rough start to your career.

B: It's a tough job, man. Erasers aren't as comfortable as you might think, especially without lube.

PV: Gross. It must help a little bit that pencil topper trolls are designed with huge holes in their rear ends to accommodate pencils, no?

B: Son, your hole is probably bigger than anything I ever had. Don't tell me you'd be cool with sticking a pencil up there.

PV: Ugh, no. That had to have been brutal for you, spending years like that.

B: It wasn't no picnic, that's for sure. But it was showbiz. You take what you can get when you're starting out.

PV: True. And it led to big things for you. Soon after you had a whole doll line, plush toys, shirts, even a cartoon, right? There wasn't a little girl alive in 1991 that didn't have four or five trolls in her possession. You have got to be a millionaire.

B: Correction - WAS a millionaire, then a little thing came along called the dot com boom. My financial guy lost all my dough on

PV: Yahoo? I thought that made a lot of money.

B: Yahoo with only two o's did, but the kind with four o's went belly up after like a month, taking my life savings, future and, to be frank with you, my will to live along with it.

PV: Geez, no wonder your purple hair stands on end.

B: Oh, a frizzy hair joke. How original.

PV: I thought it was funny.

B: You know who else thinks jokes about hair are funny? Don Imus. I don't think he's laughing anymore. And it's all because of me.

PV: It's not like you had anything to do with that, though. It was all Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson.

B: Dude, Al Sharpton IS a troll. We went to third grade together.

PV: You know, that does make a lot of sense. Please don't have me fired from my job and ostracized by the fickle media.

B: No promises, but if you buy some of my T-shirts, dolls and videos, I may cut you a break.

PV: Dude, I'm not buying any of that crap. Never have and never will.

B: Sigh. That's exactly what today's third-grade girls are telling me. I may as well end it all.

PV: Aw, cheer up. You can always go back to pencil topping?

B: I'll pencil-top you.

Sunday, April 08, 2007

Interview: The Easter Bunny

PV: Hey, what's up Easter?

EB: I prefer the nickname E.B., Pimpaster E. Would you like a Peep or a dyed egg?

PV: Got any Cadbury Eggs?

EB: Hell no. I mean, I do, but I wouldn't give those away for free. They're as expensive as a motha...

PV: Shut yo mouth.

EB: But I'm talkin' bout Cadbury.

PV: And I can dig it.

EB: Candy's getting more expensive these days. Candy, gas and bitches.

PV: Bitches? What do you mean?

EB: You know - ladies of the night.

PV: Why, Easter Bunny, you frequent prostitutes? I never would have guessed. Don't you think that kind of activity is out of line for a religious holiday mascot?

EB: Dude, I'm a rabbit and I got needs. When I'm not out delivering baskets and hiding eggs, I be fornicating all sorts.

PV: Right, but shouldn't you live up to Christian ideals?

EB: Christian? I'm pagan, bro.

PV: But no! You're all about Jesus and the resurrection and saving humanity's souls!

EB: Nope. Common misconception. The name of the holiday Easter is derived from the pagan fertility goddess Ishtar. Get it, Easter-Ishtar, Ishtar-Easter?

PV: Whoah. You're going all Da Vinci Code on me.

EB: Crazy, ain't it? It's OK though. Most people nowadays think Easter is all about bunnies and eggs and whatnot. Kids all over the world worship me.

PV: Those kids are so dumb. How can they possibly believe in such an ignorant concept as you? A giant rabbit who distributes baskets of plastic grass and candy?

EB: You used to believe in me.

PV: Shut your mouth.

Sunday, April 01, 2007

Interview: Grimace

PV: Hi there.

G: Hello, sir.

PV: Wow, dude. I didn't realize you spoke.

G: Of course I do! Are you telling me you haven't seen the direct-to-video 1998 film "The Wacky Adventures of Ronald McDonald: Scared Silly?"

PV: Nah, I missed that one. To tell you the truth, Grimace, the only real experience with you came back in 1985. We met at the opening of a Flagstaff McDonald's back then. Do you remember me?

G: Ah yes, I never forget a face. I remember you well. And your little sister. She didn't think much of me, as I recall.

PV: Grimace, you scared the hell out of her. Linda was 5 years old at the time, and your very presence made her cry her little eyes out.

G: I have that effect on people. It's tough being a purple tub of fluffy goo.

PV: Oh, don't be so hard on yourself, guy. You also bring lots of smiles and laughter?

G: As well as juvenile heart disease and high cholesterol. I don't know how I've lived with myself all these years, peddling junk food to the defenseless little angels. I'm such a horrible person.

PV: You're a person? I always considered you as some sort of lake creature or perhaps a bridge troll.

G: Maybe I am. No one really knows where I came from. Have you ever seen anything else that looked remotely like me? And please don't say "Jabba the Hutt."

PV: Come on, Grimace. You look nothing like a Hutt. Don't be so hard on yourself. Jabba kidnapped people and froze them in carbonite. Jabba killed.

G: I have killed.

P: Really?

G: Yes, with a thousand little cuts. With my trans fats, sodium and carbs.

PV: Well, yeah, but like, compared to Joe the Camel, you're Gandhi.

G: Compared to Joe Camel, George W. Bush Gandhi.

PV: Yeah, but look at it this way. It's not so much your fault that kids worldwide are getting addicted to McDonald's thanks to your coersive image. A 5 year old can't quite drive his tricycle through the drive-thru. Blame the parents.

G: Don't patronize me. I can't take anymore. I must end it.

(Grimace picks up a long, narrow instrument of death and points it at his mouth.

PV: Don't do it, brother! Think of the good times!

G: Sigh, I must.

PV: Nooooooo!

G: Goodbye, cruel world. I will commit an act of atrocity on my body and begin the process which will conclude my pathetic, miserable life.

(Grimace eats a french fry.)