Sunday, August 26, 2007

Interview: Strawberry Shortcake

PV: Whoah, is that you under there, Strawberry?

SS: (Puts down trough of chili fries). Yeah. Sorry I was late. I hade, uh, errands.

PV: You mean like eating? It sure looks like you've put on some weight.

SS: Hey, shut up. I've always been a big-boned girl with curves.

PV: It's only fat people who talk about big bones and curves. Those are just cop-outs. Besides, I seem to remember you being rather thin.

SS: By always I meant the past five years, when I stopped playing into society's vision of what a woman should look like. After years of playing the game, I just decided that I don't need to please everyone all the time. Now everything I do is geared to bring joy into the life of the one person who matters most.

PV: The CEO of Little Debbie?

SS: No, dummy. Me. Scoff all you want, I'm going to eat until my big, joyful heart is content.

PV: Don't get me wrong, Strawberry Shortcake. I'm not trying to bash you. I see how it would be very tough to avoid succumbing to obesity when you come from such a food-centric background. Take a look at the sort of people you hang out with. Your friends don't exactly make it easy for a girl to keep a trim figure.

SS: (Sniff). What are you talking about? I have nobody.

PV: Are you kidding me? You have so many friends! I remember back from when, uh, my sisters watched your show. Yeah, it totally was my sisters who watched and not me. There was Blueberry Muffin and her pet Cheesecake the Mouse, Lemon Meringue, Huckleberry Pie and Butter Cookie. You all banded together to contend with the evil The Peculiar Purple Pieman of Porcupine Peak and his cleverly named sidekicks Sour Grapes and Raisin Cane.

SS: I ate them all. I'm such a monster.

PV: That is pretty gross. I think that makes you a cannibal. Did they taste good at least?

SS: Divine. It was like the buffet at the Mirage. No, the Aladdin. Only I didn't have to pay.

PV: And let me guess, because of the ensuing guilt and loneliness that came from devouring all the other characters, you plunged into a spiral of compulsive eating! You eat because you're unhappy...

SS: (Sighs). And I'm unhappy because I eat. Thanks for that.

PV: Not at all. I'm just looking out for your health.

SS: Only shallow louts like you say you're looking out for the "health" of others when you chastise them for their weight. It's just a cop-out.

PV: That hurt, Strawberry, but I admit I deserved it. Let's you and I make a deal, OK? You try to watch your weight, and I'll make an effort to stop judging people based solely on their appearance.

SS: Deal. (Rips open a carton of bonbons and stuffs them into her face five at a time).

PV: Dude! You're totally breaking our deal!

SS: And you're breaking your end of it by being disgusted of how fat and piggish I am.

PV: You always were a wise one, Strawberry Shortcake.

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