Sunday, August 12, 2007

Interview: Sonny the Cuckoo Bird

PV: Sonny, what is it exactly that makes you cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs?

S: I'm glad you asked me, Phil, and let me say that is a great question that I don't get very often. The draw for me has always been the unique blend of chocolate flavoring coating the spheres of delightful crunch that make up the infrastructure of the cereal I've been so cuckoo to represent for nearly half a century.

PV: I thought you were gonna say the chocolate milk that's left over once you're done eating the puffs.

S: Ah, but the chocolate aftermilk, while tasty enough to make me go cuckoo, is only an added bonus. Far from the prime mover, I'm sure you'd agree.

PV: Whatever. So what makes Cocoa Puffs any better than, say, Coco-Roos?

S: I resent the comparison. Cocoa Puffs are worth going cuckoo for. Would you go cuckoo just to save a few cents on a Malt-o-meal knockoff of an inferior product? I think not.

PV: But it's pretty much the same cereal, right?

S: You're cuckoo for even suggesting such an oversimplified misrepresentation of the greatest cereal ever known to man! Take it back or I will end this interview immediately.

PV: OK, I'm sorry.

S: Apology accepted.

PV: I'm not really sorry. I just said that so you wouldn't walk out on the interview.

S: Since I see you're too cuckoo to grasp this concept on your own, let me spell it out to you. Cocoa Puffs are the original. The Babe Ruth of chocolate crunchball cereals, if you will. Coco Roos, on the other hand, are little more than cocky, Johnny-come-lately imitators. More like Barry Bonds.

PV: But Barry Bonds is better than Babe Ruth. He's hit tons more home runs.

S: Yes, but Barry Bonds uses steroids! And don't try to tell me that he's clean just because he's never tested positive. Such tests can be easily manipulated.

PV: Yeah, but everybody else in baseball uses steroids also, so it's a level playing field. And besides, Babe Ruth didn't have to face nearly as difficult competition as Bonds because black people weren't allowed to play back in the day.

S: Damn, I've never thought of it that way. I'm feeling a little bit cuckoo. Maybe I should rethink other truths I've long held to be self evident.

PV: Maybe that all chocolate cereals are created equal?

S: Perhaps, Phil. Perhaps.

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