PV: Hey there, Sonic.
S: What's the haps, yo? You down?
PV: Sonic, you don't have to try to be hip or edgy. Just talk normally please.
S: Sorry, force of habit. When you're the face of an organization you've got a lot of pressure on you to relate to the kids of today.
PV: True, but Sega's last console was the Dreamcast in 2000, so the pressure must be sort of lessened, yes?
S: Well, um, yeah. But I'm still the face of Sega, and Sega still makes games. Lots of 'em. Lots of Sonic games.
PV: Lots of horrid Sonic games.
S: You're maybe confusing me with my evil doppeldanger, Shadow. There are plenty of bad Shadow games, but no bad Sonic games.
PV: Let's see here: Sonic and the Secret Rings, Sonic Rush, Sonic Spinball, Sonic Chaos...
S: OK, OK, I get the point. Even superstars like me slip up every now and then. I've had a lot of great games, too.
PV: Like what?
S: OK, OK, all my games suck. I'll admit it. But they sell well.
PV: True enough.
S: And I move really, really fast.
PV: That's the thing. You really don't move so fast.
S: I'm the fastest video game character ever created.
PV: Granted, you are capable of moving at high speeds, but it's rare that your games let you reach your full potential. Most of the time you're just hopping around like an idiot.
S: That's only because that's how you choose to control me.
PV: Well if I make you run fast, you'll die.
S: How is that my problem? I said I was fast, not sturdy.
PV: True, true, to borrow a phrase from my idol, Merry Miller. So Sonic, what is it exactly that makes you so fast?
S: That's easy - blast processing.
PV: Oh, come on, Sonic. The phrase "Blast processing" is just a meaningless gimmick dreamed up by the Sega marketing department in the mid 1990s to tout the Genesis. What's the real reason?
S: I don't think I should say.
PV: Is it, by chance, anabolic steroids?
S (breaking down into tears): It wasn't me who decided to dope up! I was always clean, I swear it to you. It was my coach and my training partner Ben.
PV: Hold up - you mean to tell me that you trained with 1988 Canadian 100 meter sprint gold medalist Ben Johnson?
S: I could beat him 9 times out of 10, too. Too bad the world of 1988 was too racist to allow computer animated hedgehogs into international competition.
PV: Too bad, man. I bet you woulda smoked Johnson for the gold.
S: You know I would have.
PV: But you would have had your medal taken away once the blood test came in.
S: True, true.