Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Moratorium on "cats"

No more referring to people as "cats" in an effort to sound like a hipster Daddy-o. The expiration date has passed, the milk has spoiled and needs to be tossed out. It's all done now, OK? Same thing with "tweeps."

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

I vow to never hashtag

I am morally against placing a # sign before a word in a Twitter (I refuse to call them "tweets" - an unmanly, despicable term that should be curb-stomped and forgotten). It's time we take a stand against this nonsense, people. Who's with me?

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Don't think it's gonna happen

After well more than 30 and a half years of life I don't think I'll ever find myself taking part in a life-or-death chase atop moving train cars. One can always dream though.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Close down the NBA

The NBA is boring and is no longer necessary in today's society. Shut it down. Let colleges keep their players for as long as they want to.

Also, slash the baseball season in half. It goes on too long. Reduce NASCAR to a three-race season.

Keep the NFL at 16 games because it's perfect in every way.

Also, move the NHL and college hockey to Canada.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Last pass

Tonight is my last chance to give my manuscript a once-over before the design process kicks in and things are pretty much locked down. I'll go tonight until I can't physically operate anymore. Glad it's a small book.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Sit Down, Shut Up

Had a terrible, terrible pilot that convinced me to never watch an episode again. Which shouldn't be too difficult because I doubt it will last more than a few more weeks.

PW book deal announcement

Over at Publishers Weekly they're running the deal announcement on my book being sold to Skyhorse. Still doesn't feel real just yet, but it's getting there.

"Secrets of a Stingy Scoundrel" is coming out Sept. 1 and is pre-orderable at the link over on the right. If you care about my stuff enough to read this little blog I can count on you to get a copy or 10 and convince all of your friends and acquaintances to do the same, right? Right?

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Ninjas versus spiders

Playing Ninja Blade today made me realize that every ninja video game ever created has some sort of gigantic spider boss. As I was hacking the legs off the spider I wondered what it is that makes spiders the natural enemy of ninjas.

Is it perhaps because they regard one another as grotesque, perverted reflections of themselves? The ninja, a master of stealth, wall-jumping and not using guns, views the spider as what a ninja might look like if he happened to have born with an exoskeleton, several legs and venomous fangs. The spider, recognizing in the ninja a similar ability to stalk and trap its prey without resorting to boorish assaults, imagines that he might have been born a ninja had he lacked web-spinning ability and been blessed with the power to sever henchmen's spines with shurikens.

Taking all that into account, it would not surprise me if the spider-ridiculing films "8 Legged Freaks" and "Arachnophobia" were written and directed by covert ninjas. Likewise, the blatantly anti-ninja movies "Three Ninjas" and "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze" were produced by spiders who had managed to work their way up through the Hollywood system by masquerading as humans (advanced knowledge of makeup effects would have been an absolute necessity to pull off this ruse).

While the opposing forces have battled to a draw in the realm of film, it's sad in this age of affirmative action and equal rights that the video game world continues to be vehemently ant-spider and pro-ninja. We're led to believe that spiders, even in gigantic, mutated form, are no match for an average-size ninjas with never-ending continues.

Oh, for a spider-based game in which the end boss is a tiny ninja. That would be one for the ages.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

A request

To: Everyone
From: Me

Please shut up about these stupid protests known as Tea Parties. Thanks.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

My 2009 Cardinals season predictions

1 Sun, Sept. 13 vs. San Francisco 49ers FOX 4:15 p.m. Win, 20-17
2 Sun, Sept. 20 at Jacksonville Jaguars FOX 1 p.m. Win, 45-0
3 Sun, Sept. 27 vs. Indianapolis Colts NBC 8:20 p.m. Win, 77-0
4 Bye
5 Sun, Oct. 11 vs. Houston Texans CBS 4:15 p.m. Win, 66-0
6 Sun, Oct. 18 at Seattle Seahawks FOX 4:05 p.m. Win, 99-0
7 Sun, Oct. 25 at New York Giants NBC 8:20 p.m. Win, 255-0
8 Sun, Nov. 1 vs. Carolina Panthers FOX 4:15 p.m. Win, 88-0
9 Sun, Nov. 8 at Chicago Bears FOX 1 p.m. Win, 22-0
10 Sun, Nov. 15 vs. Seattle Seahawks FOX 4:15 p.m. Win, 49-0
11 Sun, Nov. 22 at St. Louis Rams FOX 4:05 p.m. Win, 74-0
12 Sun, Nov. 29 at Tennessee Titans FOX 1 p.m. Win, 55-0
13 Sun, Dec. 6 vs. Minnesota Vikings FOX 4:15 p.m. Win, 48-0
14 Mon, Dec. 14 at San Francisco 49ers ESPN 8:30 p.m. Win, 20-19
15 Sun, Dec. 20 at Detroit Lions FOX 1 p.m. Win, 64-0
16 Sun, Dec. 27 vs. St. Louis Rams FOX 4:05 p.m. Win, 44-0
17 Sun, Jan. 3 vs. Green Bay Packers FOX 4:15 p.m. Win, 63-0

Monday, April 13, 2009

No blog post tonight

Because I'm working all night working on the second draft of my book. Well, unless you count this as a post.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Accosted: A Fictional, Made-Up Tale of Woe

Sitting on the toilet at his en-laws' house Saturday afternoon, a gentleman heard a tap on the door.

"Do you need anything?" he thought heard his wife say.

"What?" I, I mean HE, definitely he, responded, only half-listening because he was finishing up "Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars" while his bowels slowly cranked out the revised edition of last night's dinner.

"ARE YOU OK?" she followed, in a voice that stopped a few miles short of being a genuine inquiry of health and well-being, and resided firmly in the territory of accusation.

"Sure, fine," the guy said, continuing to play his game while continuing to negotiate his contract.

After five or 10 more minutes, who knows, maybe a half hour - time flies when you're running drug deals and hits in Liberty City - the guy hears the knock again. This time not so much a tap as a deafening, jackhammer-like pounding.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?" It's his wife again. Or it could be the Easter Bunny, or Gisele Bundchen. It doesn't really matter because nothing is getting this guy off the pot at this juncture, and all outside distractions have melted away so he could focus on the task at hand. I mean, this is the end of the freaking game, in one of the hyper-intense, multi-leg final two missions! This demands the full, rapt attention of a man on his throne. Besides, the reservoir is still cranking! What does she expect him to do, respond to her summons immediately, forsaking his past 40 minutes, OK maybe an hour, of work, put the DS in sleep mode and end the proceedings with a hasty, dirty pre-wipe just to appease the whims of his better half? I mean, no one in the living room's going anywhere, right?

So the guy beats the game, concludes his fecal deposits and then hears about what a jerk he is the rest of the night. Is this a happy ending because the man has stood his moral ground, or a tragedy because sticking true to his morals has caused him great suffering? You decide, fair reader. You decide.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

The most worthless of all dance styles

Is clearly tap dancing. It's just a guy standing there with tin can tops on the heels of his shoes moving no more than a quarter of an inch in any direction as he stares into the audience like a doofus.

My wife, who is sitting here as I type, just said "I love how you condemn things you could never do."

Damn it. She said something funnier than anything I could come up with tonight.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

A trend that needs to stop

OK, Apatow crew, you've made your point. Full-frontal male nudity can be funny.

But go ahead and stop now, m'kay? Bottle this one up. After "Observe and Report" the vampires are clearly playing baseball and the shock factor has worn away. Move on to something else to subvert society. Maybe something involving the board game Hungry Hungry Hippos and a donkey.

Monday, April 06, 2009

Recruit reconsidering commitment

Now that Sean Miller has been named the new Arizona Wildcats basketball coach, a prized recruit is reconsidering his decision not to play basketball in Tucson. Someone other than Solomon Hill. That's right, it's me. Now that I'm out of the running for the top job I'm wavering in my commitment to sit on my couch watching basketball all day Thursdays and Saturdays and thinking about joining the team. I'm ranked as the top player in my entire household by, but not by, which gives the edge to my son Luke. Still, even that service has me in the top five, so I'm not a player to overlook.

The most I'll play for Miller is one year, though. Then I'm on to either the NBA, the Arena Basketball League or the Tokyo Giants.

Sunday, April 05, 2009


Me: Time to brush your teeth.

Luke: No.

Me: Time to brush your teeth. One, two...

Luke: Be Og?

Me: Rarr! Og says brush your teeth Luke?

Luke: Want to hug, Og?

(Luke and Og hug)

Luke: I brush my teeth.

(Og is actually a mutant, gigantic Joker from his favorite episode of the Batman cartoon. I've told him several times that the creature he knows as "Og" is actually the Joker but this falls on deaf ears.)

Friday, April 03, 2009

My book is up for preorder

"Secrets of a Stingy Scoundrel" is up on Amazon for preorders, listed at $12.95 and due out Sept. 1. Anyone want to help out my chances for success by tossing some shillings into the collection plate?

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Rumor: I am the next Arizona basketball coach

Sorry, Jeff Capel, Mark Few and Tim Floyd. It is I, Phil Villarreal, who will be named Arizona's next head coach at a press conference Thursday morning. This is not an April Fool's joke. It's reality, so deal with it. I have no actual head coaching experience but am pretty good at basketball video games. I'll also bring my entire recruiting class with me. The recruiting class, of course, being me, who will start at point guard as a 9-years-redshirted freshman.