Sunday, September 30, 2007

Interview: Heathcliff

PV: It's an honor, Heathcliff.

H: The pleasure's all mine.

PV: Thank you for taking the time to do this, but can you do me a favor?

H: Sure, anything.

PV: Be a doll and stay off the couch. Animals aren't allowed there. Allergies.

H: Sure thing, boss. Would you do me a favor and go sodomize yourself?

PV: I don't know how to respond. For one, I'm offended by the notion, and on the other hand I'm not sure that's physically possible.

H: It's a figure of speech, Phil. I was offended that you treated me with the indignity of a common housecat.

PV: You took it the wrong way. I'm just really, really allergic. Like, when cat hair is everywhere, my nose stuffs up and I sneeze constantly and I can't even sleep. It was really just a self-preservation thing. Seriously, I'd never want to condescend to someone as famous and powerful as you, Garfield.

H: What the hell did you just call me?

PV: Garf.... Oh, crap. I mixed up my cartoon cats. I'm always confusing you people.

H: You people?

PV: Uh, you felines. Sorry.

H: That's messed up, dude. I don't think I can forgive you that.

PV: C'mon, man. You can't blame me for an innocent slip of the tongue. After all, Garfield is a little more famous.

H: No way, dude. My comic is totally more popular.

PV: That assertion is dubious at best, but whatever you want to believe. At least Garfield has movies, though.

H: If you can call that dreck "movies." I'd rather toil in anonymity than let Hollywood adapt my life story as a Jennifer Love Hewitt romantic comedy.

PV: Hey, don't knock J-Love. She's the bomb in "Ghost Whisperer." Seen it?

H: Nah, but I hear good things. I'm a cat who prefers TV to movies any day of the week. For instance, my landmark Nickelodeon sitcom.

PV: Oh yeah, I remember that. I used to watch it when the Garfield cartoon was on reruns.

H: OK, stop with all the Garfield references or I will rip your throat out. You wanna see why I have the reputation as being the bad boy of cat-toons? Garfield ain't nothing but a crabby fat boy, always complaining and sleeping. I be from the streets. I live in junkyards and kick ass.

PV: Get real, Gar... I mean Heathcliff. I've read your unauthorized biography. You had a stunt double do all the dangerous stuff.

H: I'm gonna kill Dotson Rader.

PV: Don't talk bad about Parade Magazine's Dotson Rader. He's the man.

H: You're right. Dotson is hardcore.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Interview: Link

PV: Thanks for meeting me. Man, I can't believe I'm actually sitting here with Link, the pointy-eared hero, guardian of the Triforce and romancer of Princess Zelda. You're a great American.

L: You're a great American.

PV: Whoah. Dude.

L: Whassup, bra?

PV: I didn't know you could talk. In all your games you're solemn and silent. The most you've ever said is "..."

L: No, I'm not quiet in all my games. Just the good ones; you know, the ones made by Nintendo. I talked up a storm in my adventures on the 3DO system. And don't you remember the animated miniseries in which I starred?

PV: Oh yeah! It played during "The Super Mario Bros. Super Show." Your catch phrase was...

L: Excuuuuuse me!

PV: That was so awesome. I have the series on DVD.

L: Would you like me to autograph it for you?

PV: No thanks. It'd be a waste because it's stacked on a shelf and no one would be able to tell it's autographed.

L: Screw you, man. Here I am, a big celebrity trying to do something nice for a plebian fan, and you blow me off like that? You're lucky I don't pull out my ocarina and play a magical song that will cast a curse upon you.

PV: Please. You don't know any Ocarina songs capable of that. The worse you could do is go back in time or make it rain for a few seconds.

L: Oh yeah? Oh YEAH? Well I've got a sword. I could slash you to bits.

PV: No, Link, you do not have a sword. You always lose them for some reason after you finish saving the princess, and are stuck swordless at the beginning of your next quest, needing to either find a new one from an old guy in a cave or complete a number of irritating fetch quests in order to barter for a blade from the town blacksmith.

L: You're forgetting that sometimes I find one in a forgotten treasure chest in my home.

PV: Be that as it may, the point is you've got no weapons and thus pose no threat to me. You just can't keep a sword. Maybe that's why Zelda keeps getting "captured" by Gannon. You lack a long, hard thing that could give her pleasure.

L: You are!

PV: What?

L: I don't know. At least I'm a famous video game star! You're nothing but a loser.

PV: At least I've had sex.

L: Your mother!

PV: What? Link, you're such a spaz. Whatever dude. Now I can see why Nintendo doesn't let you talk. You're incapable of saying anything worthwhile.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Interview: Punky Brewster

PV: Hi, Punky. You don't seem anything like I expected you to be.

PB: What do you mean?

PV: Well, when your show was big back in the mid 1980s, we were the same age, so I expected you to be in your late 20s or early 30s now. But you're so small and, how shall I put this...

PB: Animated?

PV: Yeah, animated. You look like a cartoon.

PB: That's because I am a cartoon, silly! I'm the Punky from the spinoff cartoon show.

PV: There was a cartoon of "Punky Brewster?"

PB: Of course! My friends Cherie, Alan and Margaux were there, and so was my Yoda-knockoff buddy from the rainbow dimension, Glomer!

PV: Oh, it's all coming back to me now. How could I forget such a pandering product of 80s cheeseballosity like Glomer?

PB: There ya go. Punky Power!

PV: I hate to break it to you, Punky, but the cartoon was awful. Probably the reason I had forgotten about it is I'd blocked it from my memory. Too traumatic to recall.

PB: You've got a bad attitude, mister. Sounds like you need to spend a day with me. I have a way of lifting people's spirits right off the ground every time they turn around.

PV: I guess you're right. You even managed to cheer up your foster parent, cranky ol' Henry Warnimont.

PB: You betcha!

PV: But it wouldn't last. Each episode you'd teach Henry some sort of lesson and get him all cheered up, seeing the brighter side of life and all that good stuff. But then a week would pass and he'd be all pissed off and hating life once again, and you'd just have to repeat the process.

PB: That's because Henry was chronically depressed, silly goose! He was on suicide watch during shooting. If not for me, he would have blown his pathetic brains out years ago!

PV: Now, now, Punky. That's not very nice to say.

PB: But it's the truth, and as Ahmad Rashad taught me, it's always best to tell the truth!

PV: I thought his character taught you that it's always right to avoid stealing ties as Christmas present and then framing your teachers for the theft?

PB: That too. Ahmad taught me many things.

PV: Yeah, me as well. He co-hosted "NBA Inside Stuff" and diagrammed Magic Johnson's fast break. Didn't you just love that show?

PB: Well, since I was a cartoon, I didn't watch much sports on TV, so I'll just have to take your word for it.

PV: You do that.

Sunday, September 09, 2007

Interview: Rainbow Brite

PV: Talk to me, Miss Brite.

RB: I'd rather not. I'm feeling sort of gloomy. And drop the Miss Brite stuff. Call me Rainbow.

PV: Gloomy? Really? But you're known as the happiest person in the world! Always so positive and upbeat. You wear nothing but colorful clothing and always offer words of encouragement to friends even under the toughest of circumstances! You work for Hallmark, for gosh sakes!!!

RB: You know, this had to come out at some point. It's all overcompensation. The true Rainbow Brite is miserable, and uses her sunny disposition to mask the swirling torrent of despair she calls her life. The real Rainbow Brite cries herself to sleep every night and struggles every day to get out of bed and face another day of her miserable, regret-panged existence.

PV: Huh. I never woulda thought that.

RB: That Rainbow Brite wasn't a happy person?

PV: No, I always suspected as much. It's just shocking that you're one of those people who refers to themselves in the third person. What are you, Terrell Owens?

RB: Sorry, force of habit. I can easily shift back to first person if it makes you more comfortable.

PV: Thanks, I appreciate that. I'm surprising how accommodating you are, Rainbow.

RB: My entire life is accommodation. My self esteem is so low that I do everything I can to please others. I can't make my own decisions, and I despise myself for it. I'm nothing more than a sellout shill; a dopey face of forced cheer meant to inspire hordes of impressionable young girls.

PV: Oh, Rainbow. That's not true.

RB: It's not? You don't know how much it means to me to hear that from someone. Are you telling me that I'm wrong to be so despondent, and that there's some truth to the soulless work I've submitted to?

PV: Nah, all I meant was you don't have an impact on young girls. Your show was canceled in 1985, so few people have ever heard of you and even fewer remember you.

RB: Oh. Excuse me. I need to go now.

PV: Why?

RB: I'm going to go huff paint now. It's the only thing that makes me feel good.

PV: Have fun with that.

Sunday, September 02, 2007

Interview: The Leprechaun

PV: Please don't kill me. I don't have your gold - I swear.

L: Your claim is a lie, timid little guy. Kill you I shall. We'll have a ball!

PV: Dude, that poetry was awful. Your syllable count is off and you tried to rhyme "shall" with "ball."

L: Criticize you may, my little friend Jay. But rhyme nor reason will prevent the ending of your season?

PV: Ugh. That was even worse than your last one. What the hell is wrong with you, Lep? Have seven horror films sapped your ability to put a couple threatening limerick versus together?

L: It's tough, man. Someone stole me gold, and I miss it. Ye ever hear that old line "Your treasure is where your heart is?" Well, me treasure is me gold. And thus my heart.

PV: I feel for you. But don't get all depressed on me. Remember back in Leprechaun 5: In Space, when you were blown up into a giant version of yourself and apparently killed?

L: Yeah, I totally remember that. What's your point?

PV: You totally came back in the next film, Leprechaun in the Hood, without any problem whatsoever! And when you were killed in that, you were back once again for Leprechaun: Back 2 the Hood! My point is, you're one resilient mofo.

L: I have me days. But now I'm sad and lonely because they're no longer be making me direct-to-DVD sequels.

PV: Well, that's OK. You can always sell your cereal!

L: Um. That be not me. That's another leprechaun, a frilly nancy by the name of O'Doyle. There's been a row 'tween our families for eons.

PV: Oh, sorry. You people all sort of look alike to me.

L: That be a racist comment. Makes me want to vomit.

PV: Oh haaail no. You rhymed "comment" and "vomit!" You disappoint me, Leprechaun. Your silly rhymes are usually my favorite parts of your idiotic flicks. I expect more from the man who once said "Drink if you like, drink if you're able. When you drink with the Leprechaun, you'll be under the table."

L: Aye, 'twas me better days. The 1990s. All was possible. The entire world was in front of me. Now look at me.

P: 'Twas me better days too, my brotha.