Interview: Rainbow Brite

PV: Talk to me, Miss Brite.

RB: I'd rather not. I'm feeling sort of gloomy. And drop the Miss Brite stuff. Call me Rainbow.

PV: Gloomy? Really? But you're known as the happiest person in the world! Always so positive and upbeat. You wear nothing but colorful clothing and always offer words of encouragement to friends even under the toughest of circumstances! You work for Hallmark, for gosh sakes!!!

RB: You know, this had to come out at some point. It's all overcompensation. The true Rainbow Brite is miserable, and uses her sunny disposition to mask the swirling torrent of despair she calls her life. The real Rainbow Brite cries herself to sleep every night and struggles every day to get out of bed and face another day of her miserable, regret-panged existence.

PV: Huh. I never woulda thought that.

RB: That Rainbow Brite wasn't a happy person?

PV: No, I always suspected as much. It's just shocking that you're one of those people who refers to themselves in the third person. What are you, Terrell Owens?

RB: Sorry, force of habit. I can easily shift back to first person if it makes you more comfortable.

PV: Thanks, I appreciate that. I'm surprising how accommodating you are, Rainbow.

RB: My entire life is accommodation. My self esteem is so low that I do everything I can to please others. I can't make my own decisions, and I despise myself for it. I'm nothing more than a sellout shill; a dopey face of forced cheer meant to inspire hordes of impressionable young girls.

PV: Oh, Rainbow. That's not true.

RB: It's not? You don't know how much it means to me to hear that from someone. Are you telling me that I'm wrong to be so despondent, and that there's some truth to the soulless work I've submitted to?

PV: Nah, all I meant was you don't have an impact on young girls. Your show was canceled in 1985, so few people have ever heard of you and even fewer remember you.

RB: Oh. Excuse me. I need to go now.

PV: Why?

RB: I'm going to go huff paint now. It's the only thing that makes me feel good.

PV: Have fun with that.