Interview: Punky Brewster

PV: Hi, Punky. You don't seem anything like I expected you to be.

PB: What do you mean?

PV: Well, when your show was big back in the mid 1980s, we were the same age, so I expected you to be in your late 20s or early 30s now. But you're so small and, how shall I put this...

PB: Animated?

PV: Yeah, animated. You look like a cartoon.

PB: That's because I am a cartoon, silly! I'm the Punky from the spinoff cartoon show.

PV: There was a cartoon of "Punky Brewster?"

PB: Of course! My friends Cherie, Alan and Margaux were there, and so was my Yoda-knockoff buddy from the rainbow dimension, Glomer!

PV: Oh, it's all coming back to me now. How could I forget such a pandering product of 80s cheeseballosity like Glomer?

PB: There ya go. Punky Power!

PV: I hate to break it to you, Punky, but the cartoon was awful. Probably the reason I had forgotten about it is I'd blocked it from my memory. Too traumatic to recall.

PB: You've got a bad attitude, mister. Sounds like you need to spend a day with me. I have a way of lifting people's spirits right off the ground every time they turn around.

PV: I guess you're right. You even managed to cheer up your foster parent, cranky ol' Henry Warnimont.

PB: You betcha!

PV: But it wouldn't last. Each episode you'd teach Henry some sort of lesson and get him all cheered up, seeing the brighter side of life and all that good stuff. But then a week would pass and he'd be all pissed off and hating life once again, and you'd just have to repeat the process.

PB: That's because Henry was chronically depressed, silly goose! He was on suicide watch during shooting. If not for me, he would have blown his pathetic brains out years ago!

PV: Now, now, Punky. That's not very nice to say.

PB: But it's the truth, and as Ahmad Rashad taught me, it's always best to tell the truth!

PV: I thought his character taught you that it's always right to avoid stealing ties as Christmas present and then framing your teachers for the theft?

PB: That too. Ahmad taught me many things.

PV: Yeah, me as well. He co-hosted "NBA Inside Stuff" and diagrammed Magic Johnson's fast break. Didn't you just love that show?

PB: Well, since I was a cartoon, I didn't watch much sports on TV, so I'll just have to take your word for it.

PV: You do that.