Interview: Link

PV: Thanks for meeting me. Man, I can't believe I'm actually sitting here with Link, the pointy-eared hero, guardian of the Triforce and romancer of Princess Zelda. You're a great American.

L: You're a great American.

PV: Whoah. Dude.

L: Whassup, bra?

PV: I didn't know you could talk. In all your games you're solemn and silent. The most you've ever said is "..."

L: No, I'm not quiet in all my games. Just the good ones; you know, the ones made by Nintendo. I talked up a storm in my adventures on the 3DO system. And don't you remember the animated miniseries in which I starred?

PV: Oh yeah! It played during "The Super Mario Bros. Super Show." Your catch phrase was...

L: Excuuuuuse me!

PV: That was so awesome. I have the series on DVD.

L: Would you like me to autograph it for you?

PV: No thanks. It'd be a waste because it's stacked on a shelf and no one would be able to tell it's autographed.

L: Screw you, man. Here I am, a big celebrity trying to do something nice for a plebian fan, and you blow me off like that? You're lucky I don't pull out my ocarina and play a magical song that will cast a curse upon you.

PV: Please. You don't know any Ocarina songs capable of that. The worse you could do is go back in time or make it rain for a few seconds.

L: Oh yeah? Oh YEAH? Well I've got a sword. I could slash you to bits.

PV: No, Link, you do not have a sword. You always lose them for some reason after you finish saving the princess, and are stuck swordless at the beginning of your next quest, needing to either find a new one from an old guy in a cave or complete a number of irritating fetch quests in order to barter for a blade from the town blacksmith.

L: You're forgetting that sometimes I find one in a forgotten treasure chest in my home.

PV: Be that as it may, the point is you've got no weapons and thus pose no threat to me. You just can't keep a sword. Maybe that's why Zelda keeps getting "captured" by Gannon. You lack a long, hard thing that could give her pleasure.

L: You are!

PV: What?

L: I don't know. At least I'm a famous video game star! You're nothing but a loser.

PV: At least I've had sex.

L: Your mother!

PV: What? Link, you're such a spaz. Whatever dude. Now I can see why Nintendo doesn't let you talk. You're incapable of saying anything worthwhile.