PV: Thanks for meeting me. Man, I can't believe I'm actually sitting here with Link, the pointy-eared hero, guardian of the Triforce and romancer of Princess Zelda. You're a great American.
L: You're a great American.
PV: Whoah. Dude.
L: Whassup, bra?
PV: I didn't know you could talk. In all your games you're solemn and silent. The most you've ever said is "..."
L: No, I'm not quiet in all my games. Just the good ones; you know, the ones made by Nintendo. I talked up a storm in my adventures on the 3DO system. And don't you remember the animated miniseries in which I starred?
PV: Oh yeah! It played during "The Super Mario Bros. Super Show." Your catch phrase was...
L: Excuuuuuse me!
PV: That was so awesome. I have the series on DVD.
L: Would you like me to autograph it for you?
PV: No thanks. It'd be a waste because it's stacked on a shelf and no one would be able to tell it's autographed.
L: Screw you, man. Here I am, a big celebrity trying to do something nice for a plebian fan, and you blow me off like that? You're lucky I don't pull out my ocarina and play a magical song that will cast a curse upon you.
PV: Please. You don't know any Ocarina songs capable of that. The worse you could do is go back in time or make it rain for a few seconds.
L: Oh yeah? Oh YEAH? Well I've got a sword. I could slash you to bits.
PV: No, Link, you do not have a sword. You always lose them for some reason after you finish saving the princess, and are stuck swordless at the beginning of your next quest, needing to either find a new one from an old guy in a cave or complete a number of irritating fetch quests in order to barter for a blade from the town blacksmith.
L: You're forgetting that sometimes I find one in a forgotten treasure chest in my home.
PV: Be that as it may, the point is you've got no weapons and thus pose no threat to me. You just can't keep a sword. Maybe that's why Zelda keeps getting "captured" by Gannon. You lack a long, hard thing that could give her pleasure.
L: You are!
L: I don't know. At least I'm a famous video game star! You're nothing but a loser.
PV: At least I've had sex.
L: Your mother!
PV: What? Link, you're such a spaz. Whatever dude. Now I can see why Nintendo doesn't let you talk. You're incapable of saying anything worthwhile.