Saturday, June 30, 2007

Interview: Mega Man

PV: Hi, Mega Man.

MM: Mega hi!

PV: Aw, crap. Don't tell me you actually talk the way you were portrayed in the animated series "Captain N: The Game Master. That's so obnoxious.

MM: Mega talk what mega way?

PV: You know, adding "mega" to the beginning of everything you say. We're only three questions into our discussion and I already want it to be over.

MM: Mega...

PV: Just say what you want to say! No wonder none of your video games ever let you talk. You're a moron! Is it too much to ask that a cannon-armed robot be able to communicate effectively?

MM: It's just that...

PV: Hey! Very good. You didn't start that sentence with "mega." Now, Mega Man, what is it you're trying to tell me?

MM: Mega...

PV: There's that word again! Dammit, Mega Man, I thought we were making progress!

MM: Mega...

PV: Mega? Is that a country? Do they speak English in Mega?

MM: Dude, you're totally copying Samuel L. Jackson in "Pulp Fiction" there. Get some new material.

PV: Why yes - yes I was. I'm so proud of you! You got through a full answer without using that word!

MM: That's because you finally shut your damn mouth long enough to allow me to actually get a word in. I don't have some speech impediment that makes me start phrases with "mega." That idiotic cartoon version of me on "Captain N" is totally Hollywood - just a simplistic creation to pander to dolts like you.

PV: But what about earlier when you kept starting your sentences with "mega"?

MM: The first time I was just putting on an act. I thought that's what you'd want, like how everyone harasses Gary Coleman into saying "Whatchu talking 'bout, Willis?" whenever they meet him. The second time I was just screwing with you.

PV: But what about the times after that?

MM: I wasn't even trying to say "mega' - you just stopped me too soon. The first time I was talking about my android wife, Megan, and another time I was about to make an observation about that megaphone over there in the corner of the interview room.

PV: Wow. I'm so, so sorry. You must think I'm as big of an asshole as Dr. Wiley right about now. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

MM: Sure, whatever. You're forgiven. I've got to cut this short though. Dr. Wiley took over eight robot planets again and set a single-weaponed android boss on each one to protect it. I've gotta run, go co defeat all the androids, assimilate their attacks into my arm cannon and then threaten to kill Dr. Wiley until he begs for mercy and I let him go again.

PV: Maybe you should just kill him this time, you know? It's been like 20 games now where you've done the same routine over and over. You could move on to other things.

MM: Maybe you should shut the hell up.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Interview: Yoshi

PV: Dude, I'm so honored to be talking to you right now. It's actually you, Yoshi! The dinosaur who lets Mario ride him like a pony! You're a hero, man!

Y: I'm not gonna lie. My body of work is pretty incredible and I can see why you're so overwhelmed. Super Mario World, Yoshi's Island 1 and 2, and my kick-ass career on Mario Kart can be pretty intimidating.

PV: Tell me, Yoshi, what is is that angers you the most?

Y: I hate it when people yell out the word "Yo!" when they're calling out to someone on the street, because I always think they're addressing me, then I walk up to them and they're looking at someone behind me.

PV: Yeah, that would suck. But I bet you get a lot of people mobbing you on the street because of your status. You must be living the great life.

Y: To me it's just a day job. My life is actually just like yours.

PV: Really?

Y: Yeah, except I have more money than your entire family combined and I get to have sex with whoever I want to, whenever I want to, however I want to.

PV: You just put some disgusting thoughts into my head.

Y: I'm sure you're just jealous, which is understandable. I mean, I'm Yoshi, and you're just a reporter. I'm sick of you media types always hounding me for interviews, and then when I sit down with you you're so negative. It's like everyone wants a piece of me. I don't have the time to be dealing with crap like this.

PV: Actually, Yoshi, this is the first interview you've ever given. And I was sort of sandbagging at the beginning there, because I know you're one of the less popular characters in the Super Mario universe and I was just trying to make you feel better about yourself - you know, butter you up a bit to build a rapport.

Y: You mean you're not in awe of my presence?

PV: Not at all. You're like the fourth most famous person I'm talking to this week. This interview means nothing to me.

Y: (Sniffs). That's sort of mean. (Sniffs).

PV: I'm just joshing you, Yoshi. It's just that my friend bet me $5 I couldn't make you cry, so now that I've won and I've got it on tape we can just move on.

Y: That's just cruel. You play with a video game dinosaur's emotions for $5? What's wrong with you?

PV: What's wrong with me? What's wrong with you? You have all these great abilities and you just waste them. Depending on which eggs you eat, you can fly or spit fire at enemies, and you never use them on your own projects. You're just Mario's stooge. Where's the self respect, man?

Y: What are you talking about? I have my own series of games!

PV: Yeah, but even in those you're still doing Mario's bitchwork, chauffeuring baby Mario and baby Luigi around wherever they want to go.

Y: Well, it's just that I'm loyal to those guys because, uh, I really like them.

PV: Be honest with me, Yoshi. It's blackmail, isn't it?

Y: They have nude pictures of me when I was younger, trying to make my career as a model.

PV: You can't stand for that kind of treatment, Yoshi!

Y: Hey, walk a mile in my shoes. I've got a reputation to maintain.

PV: I guess.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Interview: Jeff the Mannequin

PV: Ah, Jeff the Mannequin from the beloved Nickelodeon show "Today's Special." Pleased to make your acquaintance.

J: The pleasure is all mine. My only request is that you ask your questions quickly, because we don't have much time.

PV: No?

J: As you know if you're familiar with the TV program, my magic hat only allows me come to life when the store is closed. We're opening up again in a few minutes.

PV: That's a heck of a lot of exposition, Jeff. I know all about your hat, how it was given to you by the magician Waldo the Magnificent and how wearing it lets you go off on adventures with the store designer, Jodie.

J: Of course, Phil. I was only giving your readers some background.

PV: What readers?

J: Surely you have readers, do you not?

PV: Not really. I used to have a few, but I guess they sort of got bored with this fake interview concept.

J: Why that's too bad. Would you like Jodie and I to teach you a lesson in how to reach out to new friends?

PV: I'll pass. No offense, but your show wasn't so good at teaching lessons, and that's probably why it got canceled after just a few years.

J: We lasted six years and made international syndication. Not bad for a low-budget Canadian show.

PV: Right, but still, you were no Sesame Street. Most of the things you taught me were completely irrelevant or altogether false.

J: I'm sorry to hear that. Would you kindly elaborate?

PV: Well, like talking mice who interact with robots to fix the store's P.A. system, and the sound boxes that would open up and music would sprout out. Those don't really exist. Also, your show made it look like it was possible for a lonely person to engage in a fulfilling relationship with a mannequin. And let me tell you, from my personal experience with the pointy-nippled dress mannequins at Dillard's, it ain't as easy as you and Jodie made it look.

J: Speak for yourself. I never had any trouble getting those Dillard's mannequins to put out. They were complete whores. They must have found you even below their pathetically low standards.

PV: Be that as it may, I didn't really get much from your show. For me it was like "Darkwing Duck" or "Inspector Gadget" - something I watched more out of habit than enjoyment.

J: Oh really? Sounds like an apt descriptor for my nightly sexual rendezvous with your mother.

PV: Believe me, Jeff. You don't want to get into a yo momma thing with me. I'll lay waste to your inanimate ass.

J: I'm sorry. I didn't mean what I said. It's not me. It's the magic hat.

PV: Sure, blame the hat.

J: OK, it's only partially the hat. I'm also kind of a dick off camera. But let me ask you something - you caught the show on Nickelodeon, right?

PV: Right.

J: Well that explains why you may not have learned much. "Today's Special" was made for commercial-free public TV, and commercial network trimmed a few minutes off so they could squeeze in commercials.

PV: Huh, I never knew that. What kind of stuff did they cut out?

J: Quizzes, explanations of the show's morals, all sorts of great stuff. Believe me, if you had gotten to watch the whole thing, you would have been a much smarter young boy, and in turn a much wiser man.

PV: Be honest, Jeff. They really only trimmed the dopey musical numbers, didn't they?

J: Sorta.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Interview: Count Chocula

PV: Dude, you've got the best cereal ever made.

CC: I vant to suck your blood.

PV: Geez, man. That's a little too forward for my liking. Learn how to take a compliment.

CC: Sorry, I just thought I'd make it clear, the reason vy I agreed to this interview.

PV: Fair enough. You are, after all a vampire. But let me make one thing clear - there will be no blood sucking. I brought an oak dagger with me and I won't hesitate to drive it through that black little heart of yours if you so much as take a step toward me.

CC: I understand. It's just me and my hand tonight.

PV: A fan of Pink, are you?

CC: Yes, yes. Veddy much so. I go all the way back to her early stuff. I vonder if I have a shot vith her. Perhaps she ate my cereal growing up? You know I laced the cereal with a chemical that vas meant to make vair maidens vall hopelessly in love vith the Count.

PV: Don't think you have much of a shot, Choc. She's married. Besides, you wouldn't be good for her anyway. You'd probably just string her along for a while, suck her dry and send her into your harem of undead wenches.

CC: Vat can I say. The underground just don't stop for hos, yo.

PV: You like Tupac, too?

CC: Voo doesn't?

PV: I dunno. I just thought you'd be more into the Transylvanian music scene.

CC: I'm not vrom Transylvania, kid. I vas born and vaised in South Philly.

PV: Awesome. That's where Rocky is from. Did you ever run up the stairs of the Philadelphia Museum of Art and raise your fists in glory?

CC: All the time. The truth is, I vas hoping to be a boxer ven I vas just a young batling. I succumbed to the vamily business in order to please my vatter.

PV: That surprises me. You always seemed so happy with your work. What great people to work with - Frankenberry and Boo Berry.

CC: Bah! Zey vere just vanna-bees. My chocolate goodness is so much better tasting.

PV: Yeah, it's pretty good. I liked to mix it with Frankenberry. The after-milk - you know, the stuff left over after I was done with the cereal, was the most delicious blend of strawberry and chocolate.

CC: How dare you dilute the purity of my product by mixing it with something so inferior? A curse on your and your family for a thousand generations!

PV: Curse on you and your family for a billion generations.

CC: Hey! Please, take it back?

PV: Only if you take back your curse on me.

CC: Fine, done.

PV: Done.

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Interview: Mr. Rogers

PV: Whoah. I totally didn't expect you to show up today.

MR: Well, neighbor, old habits die hard. Just as I never missed appearing on my show in 35 years, I make it a point not to miss an interview appointment.

PV: I understand you're punctual, but you're dead, aren't you?

MR: I may have passed away due to stomach cancer in 2003, but I'll live forever on DVD. Wherever there are educational puppets, I'll be there. Wherever there are hobby trains that go through living rooms, you'll see me. Wherever there are cardigan sweaters, there my spirit shall be.

PV: So are you, like, a ghost? Can you go through walls and stuff? Or do you have some sort of problem I need to help you solve like the spirits in "The Sixth Sense?"

MR: The only problem I have are your probing questions. How about you let me read a book to you?

PV: A book? What am I, five? This isn't your show, Rogers. It's an interview. I'm here to get some hard answers from you.

MR: Shoot.

PV: Funny you should mention that word. Everyone says you served as a Navy SEAL as a sniper, laying waste to enemies with chilling precision. So how about it, are you handy with a sniper rifle?

MR: Violence is no way to solve problems, neighbor. People who disagree should watch a puppet show or share a book.

PV: That doesn't answer my question.

MR: No, I didn't serve in Vietnam. I'm a pacifist.

PV: Or are you just covering something up? If you really did do top-secret ops in the war I'm sure you wouldn't tell a schlub like me.

MR: I must admit, a sweater-wearing, slow-talking kiddie show host would have made a great cover for secret government assassin. I guess you'll just have to take me at my word. Honesty, you know, is the best policy.

PV: Don't take this the wrong way, but you always creeped me out.

MR: Did I? Or did you really love my show as a child and only started to see me as creepy once you were older and more cynical?

PV: Um, um...

MR: I think we both know the answer. The only creepiness you see in a wholesome, fatherly persona such as myself is that which you project onto me. Now apologize.

PV: I'm sorry I called you creepy, Mr. Rogers.

MR: Apology accepted.

PV: But, uh, you are kind of creepy. After all, you're a ghost!

MR: Am I a ghost, or a hologram? I'll never reveal my secrets.

PV: You are a shifty one, sir. Now I know for sure you didn't serve in Vietnam.

MR: Oh yes? Why is that?

PV: Because if you had, we would have won the war, because you're Mr. Rogers, and you're immortal and you're awesome.

MR: I can't argue with you there.