Sunday, June 03, 2007

Interview: Mr. Rogers

PV: Whoah. I totally didn't expect you to show up today.

MR: Well, neighbor, old habits die hard. Just as I never missed appearing on my show in 35 years, I make it a point not to miss an interview appointment.

PV: I understand you're punctual, but you're dead, aren't you?

MR: I may have passed away due to stomach cancer in 2003, but I'll live forever on DVD. Wherever there are educational puppets, I'll be there. Wherever there are hobby trains that go through living rooms, you'll see me. Wherever there are cardigan sweaters, there my spirit shall be.

PV: So are you, like, a ghost? Can you go through walls and stuff? Or do you have some sort of problem I need to help you solve like the spirits in "The Sixth Sense?"

MR: The only problem I have are your probing questions. How about you let me read a book to you?

PV: A book? What am I, five? This isn't your show, Rogers. It's an interview. I'm here to get some hard answers from you.

MR: Shoot.

PV: Funny you should mention that word. Everyone says you served as a Navy SEAL as a sniper, laying waste to enemies with chilling precision. So how about it, are you handy with a sniper rifle?

MR: Violence is no way to solve problems, neighbor. People who disagree should watch a puppet show or share a book.

PV: That doesn't answer my question.

MR: No, I didn't serve in Vietnam. I'm a pacifist.

PV: Or are you just covering something up? If you really did do top-secret ops in the war I'm sure you wouldn't tell a schlub like me.

MR: I must admit, a sweater-wearing, slow-talking kiddie show host would have made a great cover for secret government assassin. I guess you'll just have to take me at my word. Honesty, you know, is the best policy.

PV: Don't take this the wrong way, but you always creeped me out.

MR: Did I? Or did you really love my show as a child and only started to see me as creepy once you were older and more cynical?

PV: Um, um...

MR: I think we both know the answer. The only creepiness you see in a wholesome, fatherly persona such as myself is that which you project onto me. Now apologize.

PV: I'm sorry I called you creepy, Mr. Rogers.

MR: Apology accepted.

PV: But, uh, you are kind of creepy. After all, you're a ghost!

MR: Am I a ghost, or a hologram? I'll never reveal my secrets.

PV: You are a shifty one, sir. Now I know for sure you didn't serve in Vietnam.

MR: Oh yes? Why is that?

PV: Because if you had, we would have won the war, because you're Mr. Rogers, and you're immortal and you're awesome.

MR: I can't argue with you there.

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