Saturday, June 30, 2007

Interview: Mega Man

PV: Hi, Mega Man.

MM: Mega hi!

PV: Aw, crap. Don't tell me you actually talk the way you were portrayed in the animated series "Captain N: The Game Master. That's so obnoxious.

MM: Mega talk what mega way?

PV: You know, adding "mega" to the beginning of everything you say. We're only three questions into our discussion and I already want it to be over.

MM: Mega...

PV: Just say what you want to say! No wonder none of your video games ever let you talk. You're a moron! Is it too much to ask that a cannon-armed robot be able to communicate effectively?

MM: It's just that...

PV: Hey! Very good. You didn't start that sentence with "mega." Now, Mega Man, what is it you're trying to tell me?

MM: Mega...

PV: There's that word again! Dammit, Mega Man, I thought we were making progress!

MM: Mega...

PV: Mega? Is that a country? Do they speak English in Mega?

MM: Dude, you're totally copying Samuel L. Jackson in "Pulp Fiction" there. Get some new material.

PV: Why yes - yes I was. I'm so proud of you! You got through a full answer without using that word!

MM: That's because you finally shut your damn mouth long enough to allow me to actually get a word in. I don't have some speech impediment that makes me start phrases with "mega." That idiotic cartoon version of me on "Captain N" is totally Hollywood - just a simplistic creation to pander to dolts like you.

PV: But what about earlier when you kept starting your sentences with "mega"?

MM: The first time I was just putting on an act. I thought that's what you'd want, like how everyone harasses Gary Coleman into saying "Whatchu talking 'bout, Willis?" whenever they meet him. The second time I was just screwing with you.

PV: But what about the times after that?

MM: I wasn't even trying to say "mega' - you just stopped me too soon. The first time I was talking about my android wife, Megan, and another time I was about to make an observation about that megaphone over there in the corner of the interview room.

PV: Wow. I'm so, so sorry. You must think I'm as big of an asshole as Dr. Wiley right about now. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

MM: Sure, whatever. You're forgiven. I've got to cut this short though. Dr. Wiley took over eight robot planets again and set a single-weaponed android boss on each one to protect it. I've gotta run, go co defeat all the androids, assimilate their attacks into my arm cannon and then threaten to kill Dr. Wiley until he begs for mercy and I let him go again.

PV: Maybe you should just kill him this time, you know? It's been like 20 games now where you've done the same routine over and over. You could move on to other things.

MM: Maybe you should shut the hell up.

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