Sunday, July 08, 2007

Interview: Oscar the Grouch

PV: So, Oscar, why are you so grouchy?

OTG: Are you freaking kidding me? That's the dumbest question I ever heard. Why do you think? For one, PBS doesn't pay me, so I'm forced to live in this damn garbage can. I'm surrounded by morons who are happy for no reason, and I've always got a camera in my face. How happy would you be in my situation?

PV: Sorry, man. I didn't mean anything by it. Just trying to make conversation.

OTG: Hey, I'm sorry. It's just that life sucks and tend to lash out at those around me.

PV: Sounds counterproductive.

OTG: You're telling me. It's just a neverending spiral of depression, and probably why my wife left me.

PV: Divorced, huh? I never realized you were married. Who was the lucky bride?

OTG: Liz Taylor.

PV: Good job, man. She had it going on back in the day.

OTG: This was last year.

PV: Ouch.

OTG: Yeah, I know. We were drunk and in Vegas. One thing kinda led to another, and now I'm stuck with a monthly alimony payment.

PV: You're paying Liz Taylor alimony? How does that work? She's gotta be far more wealthy than you, right?

OTG: What can I say, she's got some killer lawyers and I defended myself in divorce court because I didn't trust anyone else to do the work for me.

PV: Sounds like you would have been better off with Elmo as your lawyer.

OTG: Ha ha. Very funny. I hate that prick. He's the one Liz left me for.

PV: I had no idea Liz Taylor was so into Sesame Street. Bizarre.

OTG: What are you trying to say? Is there something wrong with marrying a muppet? You humans and your superiority complexes.

PV: It's not that I think we're better. It's just that I'd never heard of puppets getting married to former movie stars before.

OTG: Sure, backpedal it up, you racist bastard. I oughta get Al Sharpton on your ass.

PV: Please don't. He'll probably get me fired from my job, and I need the paycheck.

OTG: You're breaking my heart. Tell you what. Find me a half-eaten pizza or a loaf of moldy bread and we'll call it even. I'm hungry.

PV: No deal, Oscar. That's extortion.

OTG: Well how about I jump out of this can and kick your ass then?

PV: Oscar, you and I both know you never leave that can.

OTG: Ya got me.

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