Sunday, July 15, 2007

Interview: Little Mac

PV: Little Mac, I've got to say you were a hero of mine growing up. You made 8-year-olds everywhere feel like they could knock out Mike Tyson with a series of leaping counter-punches.

LM: It was a great win at the time, but...

PV: Yeah, Nowadays pretty much anybody can and does kick Mike Tyson's ass. To be honest, I think it was you who first cracked his sheen of invulnerability. Once people saw take him down, it gave everyone else hope and it sort of had Mike doubting himself. You cleared the way for Buster Douglas. Pretty soon after Tyson was in jail and you were tangling with his half-hearted replacement, Mr. Dream.

LM: I did what I could. Tyson liked to talk a lot of shit, but I put him in his place. I had a good run there for a while. To be honest with you it was all my fans. I was pretty much an inanimate collection of pixels and 8-bit processor code. It was finger speed and timing that turned me into a champion.

PV: Not to mention those training runs Doc Louis used to take you on.

LM: Yeah, Doc worked me hard. He'd roll up to my apartment in the middle of the night with that bike of his, and I'd be all groggy, throwing the first sweatshirt I could find so I could go out and follow him on runs.

PV: So that explains why you wore a pink sweatshirt.

LM: Yeah, I wouldn't even turn on the lights so I just grabbed any old thing.

PV: But tell me this, Little Mac. Why was it that you had a pink hoodie in the first place?

LM: It, uh... used to be red but faded because I sweated through it and it bled out the color.

PV: I see. I have some red shirts that I run in and that didn't happen with them.

LM: Right. Yours were probably made in the last 10 years. Back in the 80s the dyes weren't as strong. Really, I would never buy pink clothing. I'm totally masculine, dude.

PV: Well, not totally.

LM: What? Don't tell me you're about to rag on me about wearing a tanktop in the ring. Doc made me wear that so I'd have extra protection. Do you remember how big those guys were?

PV: They were pretty damn big. But you have to admit, a lot of your wins came against mediocre competition, to put it kindly. I mean Glass Joe? He only had one win in 100 fights, and that was due to a disqualification. Von Kaiser must be German for "tomato can." And who can forget that ludicrous bout with Don Flamenco in which he threw one punch and then sat there with his mouth open when you unleashed a series of 50 left-right combos to floor him within 38 seconds.

LM: Hey, I fought whoever they threw in front of me. I didn't negotiate the contracts. You gotta admit I survived a few wars. Soda Popinski? Super Macho Man? They were animals.

PV: I still have nightmares about Super Macho Man's jiggling breasts of victory.

LM: And Bald Bull and his bull charge. What power and intimidation.

PV: Especially in the second bout, when he wouldn't go down unless you threw an uppercut or slugged him in the stomach during the charge.

LM: And Great Tiger, when he used that magic to float around the ring in circles.

PV: Come on, Little Mac. That wasn't so tough. All you had to do was just block a few times, then he'd stand there stunned, having some sort of eye seizure until you smacked him in the turban.

LM: So tell me about your career nowadays? What's next for Little Mac?

LM: Well, I've done pretty well for myself. I've got a comeback match lined up with Evander Holyfield - the winner of that gets to fight Tonmmy Morrison at the Tennessee state fair.

PV: Really, at your age? You oughta be careful.

LM: Hey, I'm only 39. Rocky Balboa is in his 60s and he's still throwing hurtin' bombs.

PV: "Rocky Balboa" was just a movie, Little Mac. Video games are real life.

LM: Don't count me out, man. Actually, do count me out, because I relish the role as an underdog.

PV: I think you're just unnecessarily risking your health in a desperate grab for your former glory.

LM: I'm doing OK. I'm still big in the gaming world.

PV: Oh yeah? I thought you'd retired from that scene. I saw you didn't even make the cut in the sequel, "Super Punch Out" back in '94.

LM: Um, yeah... That was because of my agent. But I am the star of Wii Sports boxing.

PV: I hate to break this to you, bro, but you're not in every copy of that game. Just in mine, because I made a Mii that crudely looks like you and named it "Little Mac."

LM: Hmm. But I still get royalties, right?

PV: Sure, I'll give you ten bucks.

LM: Thank you. Boy do I need the money.

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