Interview: Heathcliff

PV: It's an honor, Heathcliff.

H: The pleasure's all mine.

PV: Thank you for taking the time to do this, but can you do me a favor?

H: Sure, anything.

PV: Be a doll and stay off the couch. Animals aren't allowed there. Allergies.

H: Sure thing, boss. Would you do me a favor and go sodomize yourself?

PV: I don't know how to respond. For one, I'm offended by the notion, and on the other hand I'm not sure that's physically possible.

H: It's a figure of speech, Phil. I was offended that you treated me with the indignity of a common housecat.

PV: You took it the wrong way. I'm just really, really allergic. Like, when cat hair is everywhere, my nose stuffs up and I sneeze constantly and I can't even sleep. It was really just a self-preservation thing. Seriously, I'd never want to condescend to someone as famous and powerful as you, Garfield.

H: What the hell did you just call me?

PV: Garf.... Oh, crap. I mixed up my cartoon cats. I'm always confusing you people.

H: You people?

PV: Uh, you felines. Sorry.

H: That's messed up, dude. I don't think I can forgive you that.

PV: C'mon, man. You can't blame me for an innocent slip of the tongue. After all, Garfield is a little more famous.

H: No way, dude. My comic is totally more popular.

PV: That assertion is dubious at best, but whatever you want to believe. At least Garfield has movies, though.

H: If you can call that dreck "movies." I'd rather toil in anonymity than let Hollywood adapt my life story as a Jennifer Love Hewitt romantic comedy.

PV: Hey, don't knock J-Love. She's the bomb in "Ghost Whisperer." Seen it?

H: Nah, but I hear good things. I'm a cat who prefers TV to movies any day of the week. For instance, my landmark Nickelodeon sitcom.

PV: Oh yeah, I remember that. I used to watch it when the Garfield cartoon was on reruns.

H: OK, stop with all the Garfield references or I will rip your throat out. You wanna see why I have the reputation as being the bad boy of cat-toons? Garfield ain't nothing but a crabby fat boy, always complaining and sleeping. I be from the streets. I live in junkyards and kick ass.

PV: Get real, Gar... I mean Heathcliff. I've read your unauthorized biography. You had a stunt double do all the dangerous stuff.

H: I'm gonna kill Dotson Rader.

PV: Don't talk bad about Parade Magazine's Dotson Rader. He's the man.

H: You're right. Dotson is hardcore.