Interview: Vicki the Robot

PV: "Small Wonder" was one of my favorite shows growing up. That and the one whose name I can't remember, about the little girl who stopped time by putting her fingers together.

VTR: Indeed, Phil. Your compliment activated the synthetic neurotrons programmed to scan for adulation. I must add that my memory receptors also do not record the name of the show about the girl who stopped time.

PV: That surprises me that you've lost your memory, Vicki, being a robot and all.

VTR: I blame it on Windows Vista. It screws with everything.

PV: Ain't that the truth. Oh, I just remembered the name of the show! "Out of This World."

VTR: Thank you. Allow me to write the information to my hard disk. OK. Proceed with the questioning.

PV: Why are you talking so... robotic? In "Small Wonder," you seemed to become less androidlike and more human as you went. Have you regressed?

VTR: Again, the culprit is Windows Vista.

PV: I see. Windows Vista is indeed crappy. But come on, Vicki, take some personal responsibility!

VTR: Silence, human, or I will grab you by the throat and lift you off the ground until you repent.

PV: You mean like you did to that schoolyard drug dealer on that one episode? I'd be honored. That was pretty hot.

VTR: Your adjective "hot" does not compute.

PV: I meant it was attractive. I have to say, other than Punky Brewster's friend Margaux, you were the TV girl I wanted to nail the most of all back when I was 8.

VTR: Thank you.

PV: You're welcome. My research has indicated I wasn't alone in my crush. There was a mid-1980s phenomenon in which you appeared in viewers' dreams. There was even a book written about your character!

VTR: This information activates my creepotron indicators, given that 8-year-olds do not write books, so logically the author must have been well into maturation and still fixated on a young girl playing a humanoid robot.

PV: Yeah, it is pretty disgusting. Say, Vicki, since you're a robot, are you like, impossible to beat at chess and tic-tac-toe?

VTR: Defeat is not in my memory bank.

PV: Well, neither was "Out of This World."

VTR: Yes it was. I was only simulating an ignorance level similar to your own in order to make you feel more comfortable. The directive came from a program installed in me meant to build a rapport during interviews.

PV: Vicki the Robot, you so crazy.