Interview: Alvin

PV: How's the chipmunk rock star treating you, Alvin?

A: I just got out of rehab and I'm trying to get my life back together. I'm thinking of getting back with the band for a reunion tour. Or maybe it's time for a solo project.

PV: Rehab? I never knew!

A: Yeah, all those years of touring really took their toll. I lost sight of what was really important, you know? The stress of the road forced me to turn to hookers and drugs, and it really sapped away my creativity.

PV: No offense, but all the songs you and the Chipmunks made were covers, weren't they? So having your creativity sapped away couldn't have hurt you that much.

A: I resent that remark. Do you know how much skill it takes to sing fast, high-pitched versions of classic rock songs? It's harder than it looks, man. I'd like to see you do it. You could never fill my shoes. You're nothing but a rock journalist sapping off my stardom so you can make your money scribbling stupid little rants in your monthly rag. And besides, we did come up with one song of our own - the intro to the TV show.

PV: First off, I'm not a rock journalist. But I think I remember the song you're talking about. The one that went "Alvin, Simon, Theodore! Doo-doo. Do-do-do-do!" Right? Sorry I overlooked that classic.

A: Apology not accepted due to your sarcasm.

PV: Let's just leave the subject behind and move on then. What was the situation with Dave, your manager? Was he your adoptive father?

A: Dave was an asshole. Ever see that TV miniseries "The Jacksons?" Our lives were exactly like that - Dave was Joe Jackson. First off he took us from our woodland home, then forced us to learn English. As if that wasn't weird and unnatural enough, he also made us form a cover band, and was obsessed with making us big stars. He worked us so hard. We'd do 11 hour practice sessions without a break. He wouldn't even let us pee or eat. Theodore was a big eater, you know, and he would show up to rehearsals with nuts buried in his cheeks. Dave would catch him in the act and pimp slap the nuts right out of his mouth. He was cruel, man. So cruel.

PV: At least you had the Chipettes to tour with, right? That had to have lifted the burden. I always thought it was amazing how there happened to be a female singing chipmunk trio, and they were exactly like you: Brittany, the smartass leader who was a female version of you; Jeanette, the awkward, lanky dork and Eleanor, the fat-assed malcontent who always screwed things up like Theodore.

A: Yeah, really lucky. The bitches wouldn't put out at all.

PV: That amazes me. Brittany always seemed slutty to me.

A: A total acorn tease, dude. I don't even wanna get into it.

PV: That's too bad, you guys could have had some incredibly talented children.

A: Brother, I don't even know how many children I have out there. There were so many groupies, so many orgies and one-night stands. And I'm sure I don't even remember the half of it. I never even wore a condom.

PV: Gross.

A: You're just jealous.

PV: I would have been jealous if you got to have sex with Brittany. I was totally into her when I was 5. But no, Alvin. I just pity you.

A: Get out of my house.

PV: I'm not in your house. We're talking on the phone.

A: Oh yeah. I just hallucinated that you were here because of an acid flashback.