Sunday, May 13, 2007

Interview: Smokey the Bear

PV: Hey there, Smokey. How is the fire prevention going?

STB: It like, totally sucks bro. I was listening to Phish last night and smoking a bowl, tryin' to come to terms with the eternal parabolic dimensions of light and dark, smoke and fire. You know what I mean?

PV: I haven't the slightest clue. Hey, what's that smell, and why are your eyes bloodshot and glazed over? Why, Smokey, are you high?

STB: Guilty as charged, Maynard. Want some?

PV: Of course not! I've never smoked in my life and besides, I'm on the job! You should be ashamed of yourself. You're supposed to be a role model for children?

STB: You're totally talking like the man, always trying to keep a brotha down. Ain't nobody a role model. Parents should be role models, man. Check yoself. Before you reck yoself. Ahahahahaha!

PV: Get ahold of yourself, Smokey. I've got a tape recorder here. This will probably end up on the news and ruin your reputation like that time Alec Baldwin called his kid a "thoughtless little pig."

STB: Hey, whatever happens happens, ya know? How do you think I got the name "Smokey" in the first place, man? I was always weed crazy. I'd smoke anything man. Pinecones, whatever. The Forest Service shouldn't a never hired me if they needed a mascot who wasn't gonna stop tokin.' Hey, "tokin'" sounds like "token," right? Like what the change machines at Golf 'N Stuff give you instead of quarters. Trippy!

PV: Will you pull yourself together? Don't you realize who you are and what you represent?

STB: Hey, I've got no responsibility. Remember, only you can prevent forest fires. Hahahahaha.

PV: Ah, your catch phrase. How does that make any sense, by the way? How's a 12 year old going to prevent a forest fire?

STB: To be honest, by remembering to put out his joints before he falls asleep on camping trips. Man, I forgot to do that a couple years ago up on Mount Lemmon near Tucson. Boy, that was a big mistake.

PV: What? It was you who caused that calamity that made national news? But I thought they convicted someone of starting that fire!

STB: It was all a cover up. The suits weren't gonna let the public face of fire prevention take the fall. It's totally a conspiracy, man. Like Area 52 and...

PV: Wait, did you say "Area 52?" Don't you mean Area 51?

STB: Nah, man. Area 51 is the one the media industrial complex wants you to talk about so you don't find out about Area 52. They keep JFK's head there and Elvis and robot-Hitler are poker buddies. You wouldn't believe... And also.... zzzzzzzz...

PV: Dammit, Smokey! You forgot to put out your joint before you fell asleep. Hmm. Maybe I'll try some of this for myself.

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