I was going to interview the Hamburglar this week, but I told him he'd have to wait until next week. I'm too busy to talk to him because it's McNopoly season.
Since a number of people have inquired to my methods, I thought I'd provide a step-by-step program on how to violate this contest for all it's worth, without having to eat any of McDonald's nasty food. This primer will teach you how to get the video game "Splinter Cell: Double Agent" ($40) with $20.50 of your own money. I understand that this feat isn't so impressive, but understand that it can be expanded exponentionally. The more you take my advise, the more you'll be able to exploit this magical contest. For instance, you could multiply all these steps by seven, buy seven copies of Splinter Cell, sell six on eBay and make a hell of a profit. Without further ado:
Step one: Get ready to go. This journey will take you to a dollar store and a place that sells stamps. (You can also buy stamps online, but you'll have to wait a few days to get them.) For this trip, you'll need $25.
Step two: At the dollar store, buy 50 evnelopes for $1.
Step three: Get 50 stamps. At 39 cents a pop, this will run you $19.50. Be sure to get sticker stamps, unless you want to do a ton of licking.
Step four: Do 15 jumping jacks. You'll need to get the blood flowing for all the writing you're about to do.
Step five: Get your 50 envelopes out and affix a stamp in the upper right-hand corner of each.
Step six: Divide the stamped envelopes in two equal stacks. On the first stack, write your name and address on the bottom middle of the envelopes.
Step seven: Do 25 push-ups. Girl (using your knees to support you) push-ups are OK, only if you're a girl.
Step eight: On the second stack, write your name and address on the upper left corner of the envelopes.
Step nine: Do 12 deep knee bends, to get the blood flowing once again. You're 2/3 done!
Step ten: Write this address on the bottom middle of the envelopes of stack two:
Monopoly 2006 Game at McDonald's
Game Piece Request
P.O. Box 49434
Strongsville, OH 44149
Step eleven: Fold each of the envelopes in stack one, stuff them one by one inside of corresponding envelopes in stack two. Seal them and mail them off.
Step twelve: Wait 6-10 days for the envelopes to return with your game pieces. Do not eat at McDonald's during this time. But do go to McDonald's in order to pick up a free Monopoly game board. While you're there, search through the garbage cans (only the tops - don't dig through it, because that's nasty) for abandoned game pieces. Also search the counter tops and look out for old people, who don't understand the contest and tend to leave game pieces behind as they go about their ways.
Step thirteen: Get your game pieces and lump together your Best Buy Bucks. You should have 25 Best Buy Bucks, at least two of which are of the $5 denomination, increasing your total amount of Best Buy money to $33.
Step fourteen: Open your other pieces. You should have enough to cover the entire board except for the winning pieces that don't actually exist. That's OK. Do not throw away your doubles, because you can use the codes on them for the online contest. You should also have two or three pieces that get you a free McDonald's value meal.
Step fifteen: Let's assume you have two free value meal pieces. Go to McDonald's again with one of your free value meal pieces, and get a premium chicken sandwich meal. The sandwich box will come with a Best Buy Buck.
Step sixteen: Take the Best Buy Buck off the box, then take one bite of the sandwich. Chew a little then spit it out. Return it to the manager and say your sandwich doesn't taste right, which will be true, because those things are nasty. The manager will give you another chicken sandwich. Take the Best Buy Buck off it, as well as any other game pieces that came with your meal, and throw it all away or give it to an unlucky homeless man.
Step seventeen: Repeat step sixteen later that night when a different manager is on duty. Doing this, searching in the trash and random luck should leave you with $40 in Best Buy cash. If not, send out a couple more SASEs as needed.
Step eighteen: Log onto playatmcd.com and enter 10 codes per day. You should win lots of snapfish coupons and cell phone ringtones.
Step nineteen: Go to Best Buy and seize your prize from the stunned checkout clerk, who will be annoyed at being unlucky enough to have to serve the asshole who is buying a video game with $40 in Best Buy Bucks.
Step twenty: Raise your hands in victory!