Sunday, October 15, 2006

An Interview with the Hamburglar

PV: Hi, Hamburglar. It's good to see you.

H: Robble robble.

PV: Is that all you ever say?

H: Robble robble.

PV: I'll take that as a yes. I'll tell you what, smartass. I'm gonna break you down. You've been one of America's most notorious criminals for the past three decades, and no one's ever been able to get an intelligible word out of you. But you have never met the likes of me.

H: Robble robble.

PV: Go ahead, play it coy, Hamburglar. I know that somewhere deep down inside that twisted mind of yours flourishes the pugnacious wit of a troubled philosopher. What I have to ask you, sir, is this: Since you're obviously a genius, having eluded the capture of the police force led by Mayor McCheese in your ongoing efforts to pilfer cheeseburgers at will, why have you sold yourself so short? What contempt you must have for society, to divert your formidable brainpower toward the simplistic pastime of committing the same robbery again and again, whereas if your energies were devoted to a positive pastime you could surely become a great man.

H: Robble rob- ah, fuck it. Who the hell are you to try and tell me how to use my talents? I like burgers and I'm good at stealing. So back the hell off, alright?

PV: Defensiveness much?

H: "Defensiveness much?" What the hell is that supposed to mean? That's not even grammatically correct.

PV: Oh, and I'm sure "robble robble" is the epitome of eloquence.

H: Actually no, it isn't. When I say "robble robble" I'm just quoting the sound your mom makes when she's sucking on one of my chicken selects.

PV: Oh, heeeeeeeeeellllllllll no. Don't you dare talk about my momma (bitch slaps the Hamburglar).

H (rubbing cheek): Dude, where's your journalistic integrity? You don't bitch slap an interview subject no matter what they say.

PV: Yeah, I know. Sorry brotha. I need to work on my temper.

H: You also need to work on your strength. That slap didn't hurt at all.

PV: That's not what that red mark upside your head is telling me.

H: That's enough. I'm not going to talk to you anymore. I've got better things to do.

PV: What, like steal double cheeseburgers? They only cost a dollar each. You realize that you're risking 9 months in San Quentin every time you do that, right?

H: One, I cannot be caught. Two, no prison could ever hold me.

PV: What about Alcatraz? No one ever escaped from there.

H: Nicolas Cage and Sean Connery did. Connery did twice.

PV: That was just a movie.

H: Touche.

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