Interview: Mario Mario

PV: Your first and last names are the same. That's pretty cool.

MM: Yes, indeedy, thank-a you. It's-a easy to remember. And mia memory, it's-a not so good. These-a years of hitting blocks with my head - they-a leave me with many concussions.

PV: Oh yeah? I thought you were smashing them with your fist the whole time.

MM: That's-a not so. But it's-a good idea. As good as a plate of my momma's canolies.

PV: I see your company is releasing the Wii. A great new system, eh?

MM: I'm-a not-a so excited. There's-a no Mario game for this-a new system.

PV: But "The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess" is out. That's pretty cool.

MM: No, it's-a not. This Link, he's a prima donna. I hate him.

PV: Oh, come on now, Mario. Don't get all jealous. Learn to share the spotlight with a co-star.

MM: Screw-a you-a. It's-a Mario you're-a talking to. I-a no even share the spotlight with my brother, Luigi.

PV: That's pretty cold. Poor Luigi has always been forced into the sidekick role. He had better powers than you in "Super Mario Bros. 2" though.

MM: It's-a the truth. I-a had no powers in that game.

PV: Neither did Toad.

MM: At least-a Toad could pick vegetables fast and wouldn't slow-a down when-a he was carrying them.

PV: Why do you talk like that?

MM: Like-a what?

PV: Like a Japanese idea of an Italian-American stereotype, adding -a after every other word.

MM: What you say? I'm-a from Brooklyn. It's-a Mario who-a thinks you talk-a funny.

PV: But I just talk normal.

MM: No. I-a no understand-a what you say. I-a talk normal.

PV: Fine, dude, whatever.

MM: No-a say whatever to me. I-a have you whacked.

PV: Now, now, Mario. There's another Italian stereotype - the assumed mob connection. You and I both know that you're no Soprano.

MM: You-a see when-a you wake up to see a horsehead-a tucked into-a your bed.

PV: That doesn't really happen. You got that from "Godfather."

MM: By the name-a of Mussolini, I shall-a have you killed.

PV: Oh, come on now. No one likes Mussolini, least of all Italians. He was a fascist who drove the country into the ground.

MM: (Talking regularly) The jig is up, I guess. It's true. I have no idea what it's like to be Italian. The Nintendo programmers just make me talk with fake accents and play into igorant stereotypes. I'd like to take this opportunity to advertise to not only the Italian American community, but the world at large for my malfeasance.

PV: You're a big guy, Mario. I have a newfound respect for you.

MM: This-a newfound respect, you remember it when-a "Super Mario Galaxy" comes-a out next year for the Wii, eh?

PV: As long as I'm finished with Zelda by then. Those games are better than yours.

MM: Fair-a enough.