At the behest of the good men at the Frank Show, here's my list of the 11 middle-aged thespians you'd most like to rob your cradle.
11. Nicole Kidman
There's something weird, distanced and fraudulent about her. Probably the stray Thetans Tom Cruise was never able to rid her of. Cherish No. 9 while you've got it, Nicole, because your pal Naomi Watts is bumping you downward when she hits 40 this year.
10. Elisabeth Shue
Because of "The Karate Kid," which forever warped my mind, she will be on this list until she hits 74. And if I'm being honest, probably even long after. It takes a lot to keep Julia Roberts off this list.
9. Jennifer Jason Leigh
A dark horse from out of nowhere. It seems you haven't heard from JJL since "Fast Times at Ridgemont High," but she lays waste to Kidman in a head-to-head matchup in "Margot at the Wedding."
8. Gina Gershon
A truly ageless reservoir of sexual magnetism of the dirtiest kind. Her oldness oddly adds to her wild appeal.
7. Kristin Davis
The class of the otherwise worthless "Sex and the City." Usually packs of attractive ladies hang with a token "ugly one," but she reverses the paradigm as the hot one in a pack of wildebeests.
6. Sandra Bullock
She got a late start to her career, starring in"Speed" at age 30, but has always looked seven years younger than she really is. When she was in second grade she must have still looked like a baby, and appeared to be 11 when she graduated high school.
5. Maria Bello
She's not afraid to "party," meaning, disrobe for seemingly the majority of her film roles. And why would she be, with a body that's rumored to have ignited the California wildfires?
4. Marisa Tomei:
The years have done nothing to stifle the hotness that caused George Costanza to lust over her. Check out "Before the Devil Knows You're Dead" for head-spinning proof.
3. Monica Bellucci
It was be a shame she didn't get famous here 20 years ago, so we could have seen her in her prime. Then again, maybe her prime is right now, because it's hard to imagine her looking any better even if you shaved away two decades.
2. Halle Berry
An easy and unimaginative choice, sure. But also impossible to argue. I think she'll keep it going for another seven years at least... that is if she can hold off that tragic mental flaw that once allegedly compelled her to attempt suicide.
1. Salma Hayek
My mistake for not including Salma in the original post. She is by far the most attractive middle-aged actress on this planet or any other. And she will be at least until 39-year-old Ashley Judd challenges her later this year.
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