Sunday, January 27, 2008

The 11 hottest actress over age 40 (updated)

At the behest of the good men at the Frank Show, here's my list of the 11 middle-aged thespians you'd most like to rob your cradle.

11. Nicole Kidman
Age: 40
Divorces: 1
There's something weird, distanced and fraudulent about her. Probably the stray Thetans Tom Cruise was never able to rid her of. Cherish No. 9 while you've got it, Nicole, because your pal Naomi Watts is bumping you downward when she hits 40 this year.

10. Elisabeth Shue
Age: 44
Divorces: 0
Because of "The Karate Kid," which forever warped my mind, she will be on this list until she hits 74. And if I'm being honest, probably even long after. It takes a lot to keep Julia Roberts off this list.

9. Jennifer Jason Leigh
Age: 45
Divorces: 0
A dark horse from out of nowhere. It seems you haven't heard from JJL since "Fast Times at Ridgemont High," but she lays waste to Kidman in a head-to-head matchup in "Margot at the Wedding."

8. Gina Gershon
Age: 45
Divorces: 0
A truly ageless reservoir of sexual magnetism of the dirtiest kind. Her oldness oddly adds to her wild appeal.

7. Kristin Davis
Age: 42
Divorces: 0
The class of the otherwise worthless "Sex and the City." Usually packs of attractive ladies hang with a token "ugly one," but she reverses the paradigm as the hot one in a pack of wildebeests.

6. Sandra Bullock
Age: 43
Divorces: 0
She got a late start to her career, starring in"Speed" at age 30, but has always looked seven years younger than she really is. When she was in second grade she must have still looked like a baby, and appeared to be 11 when she graduated high school.

5. Maria Bello
Age: 40
Divorces: 0
She's not afraid to "party," meaning, disrobe for seemingly the majority of her film roles. And why would she be, with a body that's rumored to have ignited the California wildfires?

4. Marisa Tomei:
Age: 43
Divorces: 0
The years have done nothing to stifle the hotness that caused George Costanza to lust over her. Check out "Before the Devil Knows You're Dead" for head-spinning proof.

3. Monica Bellucci
Age: 43
Divorces: 0
It was be a shame she didn't get famous here 20 years ago, so we could have seen her in her prime. Then again, maybe her prime is right now, because it's hard to imagine her looking any better even if you shaved away two decades.

2. Halle Berry
Age: 41
Divorces: 2
An easy and unimaginative choice, sure. But also impossible to argue. I think she'll keep it going for another seven years at least... that is if she can hold off that tragic mental flaw that once allegedly compelled her to attempt suicide.

1. Salma Hayek
Age: 41
Divorces: 0
My mistake for not including Salma in the original post. She is by far the most attractive middle-aged actress on this planet or any other. And she will be at least until 39-year-old Ashley Judd challenges her later this year.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Stormin' Mormon is on Amazon

Check out the link > here. Please help me spread the word.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

My book

I've written a novel that's now available for pre-order on It costs $19.95 and hits print March 17. I wrote the sucker in a 30-day windsprint back in early '06, and I'm happy to see it finally come to fruition. Here's the synopsis:

"Full-time talk radio host and part-time con-artist Saul Cruz and free-wheeling college student Jerusha Goodman have fallen hard for one another. Problem is, both are tied down in uninspiring relationships to kind but dull people. Since neither is the cheating type, and the thought of dumping their lovestruck sig-o’s cold seems too cruel to fathom, Saul and Jerusha formulate a scam that will allow them to be together. They’ll pretend to be Mormon, suddenly foregoing sex, wine, coffee and R-rated movies, with the goal to irritate their partners away.

The switch is easy for Saul, an agnostic, as well as Jerusha, a Jack Mormon who has drifted from the flock, to the chagrin of her nagging mother. Will the ruse be enough to drive away Shannon, Saul’s doting, baby-talking ex-cheerleader girlfriend and Jared, Jerusha’s live-in blue-collar beau? The answer lies in Stormin’ Mormon, a romantic comedy that’s a religious experience."

In March the book will be available on Amazon and hopefully in a few local book stores. Any help spreading the word would be much appreciated.

And now for a giant-sized look at the cover.

Friday, January 11, 2008


A lot of things I want to do and see I actually don't want to do or see because of the hassle involved. I just want the memory of having done so downloaded into my brain. "Total Recall" can't get here soon enough. The only thing that movie got wrong is that people wouldn't pay for that stuff, they'd pirate it like everything else.