Wednesday, June 01, 2011

My Predictions For E3

Nintendo will call its new console the Blast Processor. It will include special controllers with lava fountain screens and be able to be used as a hat at British royal weddings.

Gamers will get to go hands-on with a Halo party game called What the Halo.

Sony will reveal that 80 percent of its net profits will go toward buying pot for hackers in hopes that they will mellow out and stop attacking it.

There will be a new Duck Hunt, and it will be a first-person shooter starring Mario with a machine gun. And yes, you will get to kill the dog this time.

Madden 12 will just be Madden 11 in new boxes and no one will notice.

Atari will reveal it's getting out of the video game business and will resort to selling jaguars. Not old game machines, actual jaguars. On the black market.

Crystal Dynamics, makers of Tomb Raider, will reveal that Lara Croft will look completely different in each of the next seven games, just for the hell of it.

Activision will unveil a subscription program that monitors the amount of breaths players take while playing Call of Duty online. Each breath will go toward achievement points and perks, and cost players a penny.

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