1. My ultimate goal is to travel to another planet and conquer it, rectally probing most of the planet’s residents, enslaving the others and stealing all their water for my personal use.
2. When I was a baby I got drunk hit the bars and things got a little crazy. One thing led to another and before I knew it I was a a father-to-be, and thus was forced to raise the resulting baby about my own age – Tyler, who would one day become one of my best friends – as my own. I gave him away to the circus because he was worthless.
3. I used to think that people who liked 30 Rock better than The Office were morons. I am now also a moron.
4. I am a whore in public but a churchgirl in the bedroom.
5. One of my more depressing shortcomings is that I am 11 wives short of attaining a quorum in the Celestial Kingdom.
6. I didn’t land on Plymouth Rock, but Plymouth Rock landed on me.
7. I would have been able to play in the NBA if I hadn’t been discriminated against back in high school for my lack of size, speed and intelligence.
8. I try to work the phrase “You dun smoke yourself retarded” into one conversation per day.
9. I don’t understand the fashion concept of “matching.”
10. Abraham Lincoln was actually a reincarnation of me. The explanation for how this happened is too long to get into here, but bear in mind it includes a time-traveling DeLorean as well as several voodoo rituals.
11. I was Time Magazine’s 2006 person of the year. Look it up.
12. I believe all country love songs by dudes are sung with farm animals in mind.
13. My greatest fear is being buried alive.
14. I believe golf columnists are the most fetishistic and pathetically stalker-like of all sportswriters.
15. I feel sorry for dolphins that live in the wild because they don’t get the chance to jump through flaming hoops.
16. I still own every baseball, football and basketball card, as well as comic book, I ever purchased and keep them stored in shoeboxes in a closet for no reason.
17. I am too lazy to write 25 things about myself, so I must stop at
18. And yet I persevere anyway, deciding that it’s better to half-ass eight more to conform to the demands of the format rather than cut myself off in the name of artistic integrity.
19. When I was a kid I had an imaginary rival named Jacques Jejajeun. I’d play him in paddle ball, Nerf basketball and Rad Racer.
20. When I was in fifth grade I convinced myself that if me and my friends played recess basketball well enough we’d get a chance to play against UNLV in a nationally broadcast exhibition game.
21. I hate yet am in inspired by people with no talent who have lucked into successful careers. (i.e. Kevin Kolb, Robert Pattinson and the Black Eyed Peas).
22. I have no sense of direction. This affects me the most when I play first-person shooters.
23. I like reading about video games more than playing them.
24. When I was a freshman in college I would recycle my excess cereal milk and use it the next day. Yep, I went green before it was cool.
25. I’m not even trying anymore and haven’t been after the first seven in all honesty. But I still count this as one so now it’s over.