Why is it that all the prominent Christmas carols were written hundreds of years ago? Is the human race's creativity so depleted that we can't do better than "Jingle Bells?" I'm here to tell you that we can. In just five minutes, I've written a new Christmas carol to replace all the others. It's called "Santa Claus Isn't Real."
Gather 'round kids, let me tell you a tale
A story of an elf and his jingling bell
His name is Saint Nick, and he's fiction you see
A lie propagated by society.
Doesn't matter what you feel
Santa Claus isn't real!
Your atheist friends are all quite correct
Parents give you presents, but zero respect
They think you're so stupid you won't even know
That the mall Santa is really just a dealer of blow
Yank on his beard and you'll see that it's true
Or ask him why he won't give gifts to a Jew
Don't cry, young lad, no reason to despair
Don't pee in your pants or pull out your hair
There's a bright side here, be strong and be brave!
Now you know to get loot you don't gotta behave.
Santa Claus is a myth, he's really bogus, you'll see
Like Iraq WMDs and social security
So Virginia, please, don't fall for the spiel
Get your head on straight and know that Santa ain't real.