Ford Bored

The death of former president Gerald R. Ford has left a gaping hole in my life. I don't think I'll ever get over this one, even though the news media has done all that it could to help me. Gerald R. Ford was a "true gentleman" with "great courage." I know this because George W. Bush told me so, and then so did the nightly news anchors on CBS, CNN and Fox News for the next several days. I can see why no one wanted to choose different adjectives to describe this great man, because never has a gentleman been truer or courage greater than that of Gerald R. Ford.

I was greatly relieved to learn that this upcoming Tuesday was declared a national day of mourning for Gerald R. Ford. Since I'm coming to terms with my great loss, I'm not sure if I'll be able to go into work that day, and I certainly don't expect the federal government or mailmen to be able to gather the courage. After all, Tuesday will be a mere seven days after this great man has left us. It's too much to ask of citizens to mourn Ford on a Saturday or Sunday. Asking them to mourn on a Monday would be OK, but not this Monday, because that's New Year's, and everyone will be too hung over and have too much confetti in their hair to truly, truly pay tribute to this true gentleman with great courage.

Getting the mail on Jan. 2 would surely sully the memory of this greatly courageous true gentleman. Even if Tuesday weren't a national day of mourning for Gerald R. Ford, I most surely couldn't read my mail that day anyway because my eyes would be too clogged up with tears. That day I think I'll go through my box of Gerald R. Ford paraphernalia and try to come to terms with the cruel fact that sometimes 93-year-old unelected ex-presidents don't live to be 94. How we'll explain this to children I'll never know. Hopefully schools will offer counseling sessions when they reopen next week.

Tuesday will be a rough day for me, filled with painful memories of Gerald R. Ford, who was more of an American Idol than even Kelly Clarkson. Surely I'll be comforted by one of seven or eight televised funerals and/or memorial services for Gerald R. Ford, whom we'll love too much to bury until well after a week has passed since his passing. If it were up to me I'd keep his body unburied for a month, so I could throw 35 televised funerals and/or memorial services for him.

After all, the man was the leader of the free world for 30 months, which is a long time, when compared to the life of a beautiful, tender butterfly, which spans just 24 hours, and he reigned 30 years ago, which really wasn't all that long ago, compared to the Jurassic period, when evil velociraptors governed the earth with their vicious brand of terror. Tuesday I'll remember all of Gerald R. Ford's great accomplishments, such as when he just stood there, with such gentlemanly courage, and was named vice president after Spiro Agnew resigned, and then became president when Richard Nixon resigned, then lost an election after only two and a half years in office to Jimmy Carter, who was really good at running political campaigns. Even though the electorate realized Gerald R. Ford was a true gentleman with great courage, they recognized that Jimmy Carter was something special indeed, and his great political prowess was too promising to pass up. Of course, Gerald R. Ford was always able to win over the electoral college of my heart.

Gerald R. Ford, I miss you. You were a true gentleman with great courage. I hope you'll pardon me, as you did Richard Nixon, while I mope in my misery of your passing.