PV: Well hello there, Saddam. I'm surprised your publicist was able to get you on the line. Uh, where are you calling from, if you don't mind me asking?
SH: The afterlife, my son. It's so amazing here. Just like I thought, I have ended up in paradise.
PV: Heaven, huh? Interesting. Most of us assumed a mass murderer like yourself would have landed somewhere else.
SH: Ha! Foolish infidels. This definitely isn't hell. You should see it - it's so wonderful! I've got all my family around me - my two sons made me a bouquet of brimstone and thorns! - and I'm having a great time. The temperature is great, balmy, and a few degrees cooler than Baghdad. There are all sorts of zany creatures, such as three-headed beasts and talking serpents to keep you company. The people are a riot. I've got a Texas Hold'em game with Hitler, Mussolini and Lenin every week. And the entertainment is great: Any time of the day, you can walk by a fiery pit and watch peoples' skin is getting burned off by sulfur. So, so much fun.
PV: Right, uh, sounds nice. How's the love life? Did all that mess about 72 virgins turn out to be true?
SH: Well, I am having great sex. Not to name any names, but let's just say those "South Park" guys were right.
PV: Hold on, now. You're saying you're sleeping with Satan? But he's not a virgin!
SH: Not anymore he's not.
PV: Hey, now. You're gonna get me in trouble here. Let's try and keep this clean. Tell me, Saddam. How do you feel about the situation in Iraq?
SH: Things are going great. The half of the population I wasn't able to murder while I was in power is now slaughtering one another, and wasting the Americans to boot! And it's all in the name of peace, which will come to Iraq, you will see, after every single person there has been killed.
PV: Regrets. Got any?
SH: I'm the type of guy who just likes to move on without looking back, but of course there are things I would do differently. I would have mixed my torture a bit more. It was always burn this guy, decapitate that one. Rinse and repeat. I missed out on so much. I could have spiced things up a little bit more if I had ordered a few more guillotines, maybe an iron maiden or two. Hindsight is 20/20 though.
PV: OK, last question, dog. Everyone here has been scratching their heads over this one for three years now. WMDs - did you really have them or not?
SH: Of course I did. (Places phone receiver near butt). PFFFFAAARRGHHHATT!!! There's your WMD. My own personal flamethrower. Owwwww!
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