Sunday, March 11, 2007

Interview: Cobra Commander

PV: Hello, Mr. Commander. Before we get started in earnest, I'd like you to clear up one thing: What's your pre-megalomaniacal terrorist background?

CC: Come again?

PV: Well, the comic books say you started off as an American used car salesman, whereas "G.I. Joe: The Movie" insists you're a deformed mutant from the secluded ancient Himalayan kingdom of Cobra-La. Which is it?

CC: Hahaha, I get that a lot. The media screws everything up. One minute I'm a disgruntled militia type. The next I'm some dating Alyssa Milano in the tabloids, which was actually true. (Reaches out fist for love pound acknowledgement)

PV: Yeah I read that. I think I know where you're going with this - you're not gonna spill, are you?

CC: A terrorist has to retain his sense of mystery.

PV: Fair enough. So how is the operation going these days? Congratulations of finally neutralizing Sergeant Slaughter.

CC: Yes, yes. You'll be hearing nothing more from that loutish fool. I'm pleased to say that I've now managed to make Cobra the 15th largest terrorist organization in North America. Right after the Minute Men.

PV: Come now, Cobra Commander! The Minute Men aren't terrorists - they're patriotic Americans who band together to stop the riffraff from soiling our wonderful country!

CC: Trust me, dude. They're terrorists, not to mention absolute losers with no chance of getting any. It takes one to know one.

PV: Very well then. Your words, not mine. But I do have a bone to pick with you with your taking credit for Cobra's success. Shouldn't the real props go to your boss, Serpentor?

CC: Serpentor is not my boss. He's my associate. An equal.

PV: Sorry to break this to you, son, but you're Dwight to his Michael. You have to do whatever he tells you.

CC: What? Is that some sort of reference to "The Office"? You truly are a fool. I'm going to take my revenge against you by crafting one of my trademark genius plans.

PV: What, like cloning dinosaurs or trying to send me a Christmas present with a miniature evil soldier hidden inside?

CC: Those were, uh, Serpentor's ideas. I was against such idiotic measures.

PV: You're so lying. You tried those things to take down G.I. Joe before Serpentor was created by your underlings to depose you because of your incompetence.

CC: Mention his name again and I swear by the ghost of Napoleon that I'll shoot you in the face. It's me who's in the interview chair here. If you want to talk about Serpentor, interview Serpentor.

PV: Fine, fine. Tell me, Cobra Commander, what is it you want out of life?

CC: Oh, the usual. A fulfilling career. Enough income to get by. Absolute power. Total control of the world.

PV: Don't you think that's a little much? Can a person with such goals ever truly be happy? I mean, even if you do come to power and rule the world, you're still just a masked, scepter-holding tool in a blue suit, looking over his shoulder at the next military junta bent on taking you down.

CC: What can I say - that's just how I roll. As Jewel sang, "Dreams last so long, even after you're gone."

PV: Why Cobra Commander, I never pictured you as a Jewel fan!

CC: Why do you think I wear this mask?

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