Sunday, March 25, 2007

Interview: Optimus Prime

PV: Hi, Optimus. I didn't think you'd show up to this.

OP: Why is that, humanoid? My punctuality preceptors are set to maximum reliability, and my interview commitment rate is well above 99.5 percent.

PV: Well, it's just I thought you were dead. You know, from what Megatron did to you in "Transformers: The Movie."

OP: Sir, your discernment receptacle is highly suspect.

PV: I don't follow.

OP: That's robot for "Don't believe everything you see in the movies." The 2007 movie is also a fake. Besides, there is no way that little bitchicron Megatron could kill me. If he killed me in a dream he had better wake up and apologizicron.

PV: Wait, you're telling me the events in the film weren't real? I could have sworn it was taken from actual footage.

OP: My neurological sensors are detecting your sarcasm.

PV: Your sensors are off. I honestly thought your death really counted.

OP: The cinematic interpretation of fictionalized events having to do with me and the other Autobots were meant purely to factorize entertainmentcons.

PV: "Entertainmentcons"? What the hell are those? Tell me the truth - you just like to add the suffixes "-con" and "-tron" to random names. Such as your home planet of Cybertron, your enemies the Decepticons.

OP: Silence, fool, or I shall destroyicon you with my energy axe.

PV: OK, OK. I give. I have to admit, I do see what you're saying about me taking the movie so seriously. I'm embarrassed to say I actually cried when you died.

OP: As you can see, humantron, there is no reason to activate your ocular moisture docs. I am perfectly functional.

PV: True, plus there's no way your movie could have been real, since it was set in 2005 and obviously scientists had yet to develop flying robots that could turn into cars or spaceships.

OP: Yes, this is true with Earthling technology. You have also yet to invent sexbots. I feel sorry for you.

PV: Yeah. At least we have PS3s though.

OP: Trust me, I know PS3. PS3 was a friend of mind. And PS3 was no sexbot.

PV: Touche. Well, I've gotta be going, Optimus. Later.

OP: Stay black.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Interview: Cobra Commander

PV: Hello, Mr. Commander. Before we get started in earnest, I'd like you to clear up one thing: What's your pre-megalomaniacal terrorist background?

CC: Come again?

PV: Well, the comic books say you started off as an American used car salesman, whereas "G.I. Joe: The Movie" insists you're a deformed mutant from the secluded ancient Himalayan kingdom of Cobra-La. Which is it?

CC: Hahaha, I get that a lot. The media screws everything up. One minute I'm a disgruntled militia type. The next I'm some dating Alyssa Milano in the tabloids, which was actually true. (Reaches out fist for love pound acknowledgement)

PV: Yeah I read that. I think I know where you're going with this - you're not gonna spill, are you?

CC: A terrorist has to retain his sense of mystery.

PV: Fair enough. So how is the operation going these days? Congratulations of finally neutralizing Sergeant Slaughter.

CC: Yes, yes. You'll be hearing nothing more from that loutish fool. I'm pleased to say that I've now managed to make Cobra the 15th largest terrorist organization in North America. Right after the Minute Men.

PV: Come now, Cobra Commander! The Minute Men aren't terrorists - they're patriotic Americans who band together to stop the riffraff from soiling our wonderful country!

CC: Trust me, dude. They're terrorists, not to mention absolute losers with no chance of getting any. It takes one to know one.

PV: Very well then. Your words, not mine. But I do have a bone to pick with you with your taking credit for Cobra's success. Shouldn't the real props go to your boss, Serpentor?

CC: Serpentor is not my boss. He's my associate. An equal.

PV: Sorry to break this to you, son, but you're Dwight to his Michael. You have to do whatever he tells you.

CC: What? Is that some sort of reference to "The Office"? You truly are a fool. I'm going to take my revenge against you by crafting one of my trademark genius plans.

PV: What, like cloning dinosaurs or trying to send me a Christmas present with a miniature evil soldier hidden inside?

CC: Those were, uh, Serpentor's ideas. I was against such idiotic measures.

PV: You're so lying. You tried those things to take down G.I. Joe before Serpentor was created by your underlings to depose you because of your incompetence.

CC: Mention his name again and I swear by the ghost of Napoleon that I'll shoot you in the face. It's me who's in the interview chair here. If you want to talk about Serpentor, interview Serpentor.

PV: Fine, fine. Tell me, Cobra Commander, what is it you want out of life?

CC: Oh, the usual. A fulfilling career. Enough income to get by. Absolute power. Total control of the world.

PV: Don't you think that's a little much? Can a person with such goals ever truly be happy? I mean, even if you do come to power and rule the world, you're still just a masked, scepter-holding tool in a blue suit, looking over his shoulder at the next military junta bent on taking you down.

CC: What can I say - that's just how I roll. As Jewel sang, "Dreams last so long, even after you're gone."

PV: Why Cobra Commander, I never pictured you as a Jewel fan!

CC: Why do you think I wear this mask?

Sunday, March 04, 2007

Interview: Mr. Belvedere

PV: I'm sorry to hear of your passing, sir.

MB: Quite the contrary, old chap. Although the gentleman who played me, Christopher Hewett, may have passed away in 2001, I'm charmed to report that the smarmy British butler lives on.

PV: Oh, you mean in our memories?

MB: Quite so, yes. As well as home video.

PV: Uh, I don't think so. Your TV series was never released on DVD.

MB: Tallyho! Well, well. By home video I meant of course VHS.

PV: Nope.

MB: Bluray?

PV: Hah!

MB: Nick at Nite?

PV: Not even Nick at Nite.

MB: Pirated VCR tapes of the original broadcasts?

PV: I'm pretty sure ABC taped over those, actually.

MB: Well then, if it's impossible to see my show anymore, at least my fine American teledrama shall always have center stage in the theater of nostalgia in the minds of those who saw the show and cherish its impact on them.

PV: Amen to that. It's too bad your show isn't playing nowadays, what with all this hullabaloo over illegal immigration. Mr. Belevedere, you've always been my favorite illegal immigrant.

MB: Illegal? Why whatever do you mean?

PV: Don't play coy with me. You're an off-the-boat, greencardless social security siphon. Probably the only reason Bob Eucker hired you as a butler was so he could pay you less than minimum wage.

MB: Whatever gave me away?

PV: You just have that look about you. That and then there was that episode where Wesley called INS on you and tried to get you deported.


PV: Relax, the kid was 10. Plus he was a riot. Wesley was Bart Simpson before there was Bart Simpson. His antics were why the show was so popular.

MB: Ahem, I think not, young man. After all, was the show titled "Mr. Incorrigible, Undisciplined Twit?"

PV: No need to get snooty, Belvedere. You were good too. It's just that you were the straight man. It was a shameless role. You just stood there idly as Wesley lit your underwear on fire and poured Tobasco in your breakfast cereal.


PV: Hahaha, and remember the time he wrecked your car? Oh, man.

MB: Once I get my hands on that little brat I'll twist his spine in half and make her mother rue the day she gave birth to that demonic little twerp.

PV: And then there was that episode when you and him were camping and he made the tent fall down.

MB: WESLEEEEEY! Wherever you are, I despise your very nature with an unholy wrath that puts that of all the creatures of the netherworld to shame. One day I will destroy you and burn your corpse.

PV: Whoah there. For serious? I thought your anger with Wesley was playful yet curmudgeoningly understanding in a surrogate father sort of way.

MB: Yes, yes. It certainly was. I was just, uh, joking. Please don't call INS on me.

PV: Haha, don't worry, Mr. Belvedere. The INS doesn't deport fictional TV characters who are played by actors who are now dead.

MB: Whew! That's a relief. In that case, you can bugger off. I'll be going now. I need to track down Wesley and (trailing off)... kill... him.

PV: What?

MB: I said I need to go tend to the table.