This is it, Twihards. Here is the moment you’ve been aching
for since sparkly vampire Edward Cullen first laid eyes on Bella Swan, the one person
on earth paler than him. Following a 3-movie courtship in which the
106-year-old immortal demonbeast seduced the shy 17-year-old in a totally legal
way since Edward looks young for his age, it’s time for them to marry and get
it on.
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 wastes no time in
setting up the rendezvous you’ve read about on the blogs. Well, it does waste a
little time – maybe 20 minutes – to show necessary things such as Bella (Kristen
Stewart) getting dressed for her wedding, Bella thinking about the wedding,
Edward (Robert Pattinson) trying to talk Bella out of the wedding, Bella’s
nightmare about the wedding and finally, the wedding. But after that, director
Bill Condon gets right down to the good stuff.
There they are, these two fangs-crossed lovers, staring into
one another’s lack-of-souls on an exotic beach, when finally the moment
arrives.
Chess.
Yep, they play chess. All night long, like animals. You
should see the way Edward uses his rook. Long, strong, and down to get the
friction on. Tireless and full of board game lust, Bella and Edward play chess
again. And then again. The third time – get ready for an aww, cute alert –
Edward lets Bella win!
Oh, yeah, and they also have sex in between. Or at least it
looks like they’re about to have sex before it fades out and Bella’s lying
there with that same look she’s always got on her face whether she’s being
chased by a werewolf or served lunch in the school cafeteria. Pillow feathers
are everywhere, the headboard is broken and Bella’s all bruised up in ways she
assures a guilty Edward hurt so good. Guess she loves the way he lies. It must
have been quite an event, but just as in the pages of Stephenie Meyer’s tome,
the play-by-play is left mostly to our imaginations.
That’s right, people. Vampire sex is so intense that it makes
the movie camera black out and cut to the next scene. And it also gets girls
pregnant with Miracle-Gro babies that pop out within weeks, rendering the
mom-to-be bedridden with broken ribs and a longing to slurp down Big Gulps of
deli blood to keep the fetus happy.
The only guy who’s less satisfied by the viewer by this
presentation is Bella’s doormat, werewolf-man transformatron Jacob (Taylor
Lautner), whose pre-wedding pep talk includes an attempt to shake the
Edward-obsession out of Bella. The guy thinks it’s not cool that a vampire
demon behbeh is tearing up his unrequited love from the inside out, but he
still stands guard on the off-chance that she’ll pop out a behbeh that will
fall in love with him.
Since this movie has no villains – a post-credits scene
shows that the bad guys are being saved for next year’s Part 2 (subtitle: Bella
and Edward Play Parcheesi) – Jacob bickers with his wolfpack, who are convinced
the behbeh will be a danger to their tribe and want to kill it. Or kill Edward.
And/or maybe kill Bella. But really, just kill time.
What sets up to be an entertaining, UFC-style vampire-werewolf
battle stops short of just that, ending up being just a bunch of growling and
fang-baring for naught.
That’s just the way things go in this film, which is really
a half-film, and the boring half at that. Such is the nature of things dubbed
“Part 1.” It’s a film about things that will inevitably happen, but don’t until
the next, more important part. If it were all the same to the studio, I’d
rather it have just given us the full movie rather than stretch it out t h i s m u c h. But it’s not all the same to the
studio, because Meyer is fresh out of Twilight novels, and making a Part 1 adds
an extra payday. It’s too bad that fans require the patience of a 106-year-old
vampire to sit through it.
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