Sunday, December 31, 2006

Ford Bored

The death of former president Gerald R. Ford has left a gaping hole in my life. I don't think I'll ever get over this one, even though the news media has done all that it could to help me. Gerald R. Ford was a "true gentleman" with "great courage." I know this because George W. Bush told me so, and then so did the nightly news anchors on CBS, CNN and Fox News for the next several days. I can see why no one wanted to choose different adjectives to describe this great man, because never has a gentleman been truer or courage greater than that of Gerald R. Ford.

I was greatly relieved to learn that this upcoming Tuesday was declared a national day of mourning for Gerald R. Ford. Since I'm coming to terms with my great loss, I'm not sure if I'll be able to go into work that day, and I certainly don't expect the federal government or mailmen to be able to gather the courage. After all, Tuesday will be a mere seven days after this great man has left us. It's too much to ask of citizens to mourn Ford on a Saturday or Sunday. Asking them to mourn on a Monday would be OK, but not this Monday, because that's New Year's, and everyone will be too hung over and have too much confetti in their hair to truly, truly pay tribute to this true gentleman with great courage.

Getting the mail on Jan. 2 would surely sully the memory of this greatly courageous true gentleman. Even if Tuesday weren't a national day of mourning for Gerald R. Ford, I most surely couldn't read my mail that day anyway because my eyes would be too clogged up with tears. That day I think I'll go through my box of Gerald R. Ford paraphernalia and try to come to terms with the cruel fact that sometimes 93-year-old unelected ex-presidents don't live to be 94. How we'll explain this to children I'll never know. Hopefully schools will offer counseling sessions when they reopen next week.

Tuesday will be a rough day for me, filled with painful memories of Gerald R. Ford, who was more of an American Idol than even Kelly Clarkson. Surely I'll be comforted by one of seven or eight televised funerals and/or memorial services for Gerald R. Ford, whom we'll love too much to bury until well after a week has passed since his passing. If it were up to me I'd keep his body unburied for a month, so I could throw 35 televised funerals and/or memorial services for him.

After all, the man was the leader of the free world for 30 months, which is a long time, when compared to the life of a beautiful, tender butterfly, which spans just 24 hours, and he reigned 30 years ago, which really wasn't all that long ago, compared to the Jurassic period, when evil velociraptors governed the earth with their vicious brand of terror. Tuesday I'll remember all of Gerald R. Ford's great accomplishments, such as when he just stood there, with such gentlemanly courage, and was named vice president after Spiro Agnew resigned, and then became president when Richard Nixon resigned, then lost an election after only two and a half years in office to Jimmy Carter, who was really good at running political campaigns. Even though the electorate realized Gerald R. Ford was a true gentleman with great courage, they recognized that Jimmy Carter was something special indeed, and his great political prowess was too promising to pass up. Of course, Gerald R. Ford was always able to win over the electoral college of my heart.

Gerald R. Ford, I miss you. You were a true gentleman with great courage. I hope you'll pardon me, as you did Richard Nixon, while I mope in my misery of your passing.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

A New Christmas Carol

Why is it that all the prominent Christmas carols were written hundreds of years ago? Is the human race's creativity so depleted that we can't do better than "Jingle Bells?" I'm here to tell you that we can. In just five minutes, I've written a new Christmas carol to replace all the others. It's called "Santa Claus Isn't Real."

Gather 'round kids, let me tell you a tale

A story of an elf and his jingling bell

His name is Saint Nick, and he's fiction you see

A lie propagated by society.


Doesn't matter what you feel

Santa Claus isn't real!

Your atheist friends are all quite correct

Parents give you presents, but zero respect

They think you're so stupid you won't even know

That the mall Santa is really just a dealer of blow

Yank on his beard and you'll see that it's true

Or ask him why he won't give gifts to a Jew


Don't cry, young lad, no reason to despair

Don't pee in your pants or pull out your hair

There's a bright side here, be strong and be brave!

Now you know to get loot you don't gotta behave.


Santa Claus is a myth, he's really bogus, you'll see

Like Iraq WMDs and social security

So Virginia, please, don't fall for the spiel

Get your head on straight and know that Santa ain't real.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

My New T-Shirt Idea

I'm always having ideas for new T-shirts. My latest: "Give Pizza Chance." I hope Domino's steals that and uses it as their new slogan so I can sue them and be awarded free pizzas for life by the Supreme Court.

In case you haven't noticed, I've taken to writing a paragraph or two on this site every week. It's partially because I'm lazy, partially because I don't feel like writing those pretend interviews anymore, but mostly because I've been pretty busy. Regular readers of this site will be able to tell when my life starts to get boring again when they start seeing more of my writing up in here.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

THIS is Our Country?

Hey there, person who's responsible for airing the obnoxious Chevrolet commercial that unfurls a deluge of propaganda set to "This is Our Country." Please do me a solid and take your work off the air, or at the very least get the networks to play it less than twice a commercial break. When I'm watching NFL games I'm feeling like the Clockwork Orange guy, and I can't take the fascist mind control anymore. Thanks, OK, back to watching the Arizona Cardinals be 3-9.