Sunday, February 18, 2007

Interview: 5-Week Old Rocky Villarreal

PV: Hello there, sir. I know you don't speak to the public often and I'd like to extend my gratitude for this opportunity.

RV: Glaglug!

PV: "Glaglug," eh? Interesting response. You're full of surprises, young man. Tell me, what have you learned in your five weeks of life?

RV: (Poops pants and cries until I change his diaper).

PV: I understand, sir. Now forgive me for being so bold, but I'm going to ask the question that's on the minds of all of your fans. Do you intend to wait the usual 19 to 21 years, or come out at the end of the season and declare yourself for the 2007 NBA draft?

RV: (Stares at light fixture in kitchen).

PV: I see. Still contemplating it. That's understandable. Moving on. Tell me, do you plan on continuing your wild bachelor lifestyle, or is there a lucky lady you'll settle down with soon?

RV: (Cries uncontrollably for 45 minutes).

PV: Forgive me, Rocky. I know I was getting too personal there. I'm ashamed of myself, really. I was wondering if you have any advice for other babies out there?

RV: Yes, actually. I'd recommend you sleep through the night and go easy on your parents. They really are looking out for your best interests, and aren't torturing you when they bathe you, wipe spit off your mouth and rock you to sleep. Try not to pee on them as they change your diapers. Kindly refrain from crying into their ears at 4 a.m. And smile a lot. They'll really appreciate it.

PV: Why, Rocky. I had no idea you were so eloquent! A point of contention, however: All of that advice you give is great and all, but you don't follow any of it in your own life! Please explain.

RV: Gladgrawg!*

*Gladgrawg is babyspeak for "That's because I said nothing of the sort, you delusional ape. You're delirious for having not slept more than three consecutive hours for the past 37 days. Now whip me up a bottle of breastmilk posthaste!"

No comments: