PV: Hey, guys. Thank you so much for taking the time to sit down with me. I've always thought y'all were SO underrated.
Crackle: I think I can speak for Snap and Pop when I say the feeling is mutual. We're big fans of yours as well, Phil, and we'd like to thank you for all those years of buying Rice Krispies cereal and also enjoying our patented Rice Krispies Treats.
PV: Uh, actually, Crackle, I don't know that I've had a bowl of regular Rice Krispies since about 1984. I go for Crispy Rice.
Pop: (Gulps). The generic brand?
PV: Yeah. No offense, it's just a little cheaper. And it tastes the same.
Snap: Your mom tastes the same. Oh snap!
PV: Come on, Snap. No need to bring my mother into this. You guys should be flattered by Malt-o-Meal. Imitation is the higher form of flattery, after all. Even on the bag of Crispy Rice it says "Compare to Rice Krispies," for those too stupid to tell on their own what cereal Crispy Rice is copying.
Crackle: You know what, I don't think we should do this. I can see you've only set this little interview up to attack us and our product. Come on, bitches! (Motions over to Snap and Pop.) We're outta here.
PV: Whoah, whoah, whoah! No need to get all crackly, Crackle! And did I just here you call Snap and Pop bitches? You guys gonna take it?
Snap: We kinda have to be. Crackle calls all the shots. My brother Pop and I were small-time before Crackle joined the group and his daddy, became our manager. We owe everything to those two.
Pop: Yeah, we would have ended up as Pop Rocks' mascot otherwise. But the Crackle family led us to fortune and fame! They even got us these cool hybrid pirate/chef's outfits!
PV: I see, sorta like the Dixie Chicks. You both have to put up with a fat, obnoxious diva who holds all the cards. And that's not your only parallel to the shunned country trio, I here. You three also came out against the war in Iraq?
Crackle: Yeah, during a press event in North Korea we were talking onstage and my political views slipped out. I told the crowd that the real axis of evil is Crispy Rice, Cinnamon Toast Crunch and the United States.
PV: Yeah, I think I remember reading about that. So that's why American TV no longer plays your commercials!
Crackle: It's all politics. I still don't regret saying what I did, however. In return for your support, Kim Jong Il threatened not to stop nuclear testing unless the U.N. airlifted 400 metric tons of our cereal into his country so he could exchange it on the black market for oil and weapons-grade uranium.
Snap: That gave us a nice bonus check. Thanks, Crackle!
Pop: Yeah, thanks Crackle! Still, I do miss the way it was before: Seeing our faces on billboards, walking the red carpet, signing autographs for kids on the street...
Crackle: Bitch! Shut your mouth. Speak when spoken to or you're out of the band.
Pop: I was only trying to...
Crackle: (Doing mock sign language, pretending Pop is deaf). I said shut your mouth! You understand, Corky?
PV: Come on, Crackle. No need to be insensitive here just because you have a difference of opinion with Pop. He's not deaf or afflicted with Down Syndrome.
Pop: I must be mentally disabled to have put up with this asshole's abuse
for seven decades. Come on, Snap. We're leaving.
Crackle: Oh, no you're not. Snap is staying with me.
Snap: I, uh, I don't know what to do. I like you both so much!
Pop: Maybe this will help you decide. (Plants huge kiss on Snap, bending him backward like the U.S. navy guy did to the nurse in the famous end of World War II picture).
Crackle: I always knew you two were gay.
Snap: Shut up, Crackle! There's nothing wrong with being gay!
Crackle: I know. I'm gay too. Can I rejoin the group if I promise to stop verbally abusing you both?
Snap and Pop: We can't stay mad at you, Crackle. OK. Group hug!