Fie upon you, pagan! Don’t look to your left or right – you’re the only one looking at the screen right now, and it’s you I’m accusing of being a wretched pagan. You read right. Although you may have always thought of yourself as a Protestant, Jew or Catholic, you’ve always really, if unknowingly, been a pagan. If all the illuminated research and factoids in “The Da Vinci Code” didn’t convince you of that much, I’m here to drive the point through even further.
Dan Brown’s novel and the movie that followed taught us that Easter, thought to be the holiday in which Christians celebrate the risen Messiah, is nothing more than a mutated pagan fertility festival, named after the goddess Ishtar. The date of the holiday was set by Constantine back during… hold on a second.
Divine feminine, divine feminine, divine feminine, divine feminine.
Sorry. That last sentence may not have made much sense, but I was required to write it do to the requirement of pagan symbology research code writings that says you must use the phrase “divine feminine” at least five times per page. I’m still missing one, but I thought five in a row would have been a little much, so bear with me and I’ll try to get one more in before we’re done here.
Anyway, back to the subject at hand. Not only is Easter a pagan holiday because of the Ishtar connection, but because of the influence of Celtic Slime God Cadburikkan, who each year would call for a great sacrifice of oblong, chocolate flavored treats with a gooey center. You’ve heard of Cadbury Eggs, right? To eat one is to intake a dark pagan sacrament into your twisted soul. The candilicious marshmallow treat known as “Peeps” carries a similarly checkered past. You see, after Cadburikkan would eat his Cadbury Eggs, he’d defile 72 virgins. And after the virgins he’d lay down some tracks – Cadburikkan was a hella mixmaster back in the day - and give shout outs, grabbing the mic to say, “Yo, what up to my peeps!” In other words, eat a peep and you’re breaking a commandment by taking a shoutout from a false idol.
Jewish people are pagans too, a fact well documented in the Da Vinci Code. See, the Star of David is actually made up of two interlocking chalice symbols, indicating not one, but TWO divine feminines (Yes! There’s No. 5!!) in one DOUBLY pagan symbol. But what Dan Brown left out was that Mosaic law is based entirely on pagan principals. See, Moses screwed up by breaking that tablet on which the 10 commandments were chiseled. Had he simply turned it over and red the back, he would have noticed a message that read “Psyche!” followed by a symbol of Loki the mischief maker, whom watchers of the old cartoon show, “She-Ra The Princess of Power” will be familiar with. Hey, shut up. I had two little sisters and they made me watch it. Plus He-Man showed up in the episodes, and… ah, forget it. I admit it, I liked “She-Ra.”
And just in case you’re one of those smug atheists who think religion doesn’t apply to you, I’ve got some bad news for ya. Yep, you’re pagan too. See, the word “Athe” is derived from Atheogonon, Roman god of the biannual brown rice crop. The ancient myth held that Atheogonon once was so bold as to question both the divinity and sexual prowess of Thor. (This was odd, since Roman gods rarely communicated with Norse figures, but this myth happened in what was called a “crossover” and would later be co-opted by Marvel Comics). Anyway, Thor borrowed Neptune’s pitchfork and, using strictly mental telepathy, jammed it forcefully up Atheogonon’s anus for all eternity, thereby proving his divinity and sexual prowess to Atheogonon on a perpetual basis. (This action was commemorated by a constellation known as “the big dipper.”) So guess what, every time you say “I’m an atheist,” you’re really saying you’re worshipping a petulant grain god who’s STILL getting pitchforked in the ass, even as we speak. And I don’t wanna hear any sass from you, either agnostics. Sad to break it to you, but “agnostic” is just an abbreviation of “Atheogonon’s anus.”