1. Earth Day. Every day is Earth Day. We do so much for the earth every day -- we kill all those annoying trees that are always growing out of it, relieve it of those pesky oil reserves and warm it up by getting rid of those obnoxious ice caps -- and all it does is thank us by whining and demanding its own holiday.
2. Arbor Day. You don't see chainsaws and napalm demanding their own days, do you? By granting trees this elite status we're simply playing favorites. Also, the word "arbor" is stupid. If this were known as "Tree Day and By The Way Napalm Sucks," I would move it down a few spots.
3. Presidents Day. This day does not represent an actual important date in history. It's just a median point between two president's birthdays, and a sign that the holiday makers are too indecisive to pick the better president and go with his birthday as the day we don't get mail or garbage pickup.
4. Groundhog Day. If not for the amazingly great movie based on this holiday, this list wouldn't exist because the day is by far stupider than all other holidays combined. But because of that movie, there's not only a list but this day doesn't even top it, and has fallen all the way down to number four. See what a good job you did, Bill Murray?
5. Boxing Day. Although most people think it's actually the national anthem, the song "Oh, Canada" is actually a coded, sarcastic rebuke to the country's silliness for having goofy holidays such as this, as well as its own Thanksgiving.