If
those guys who make all those Scary Movie-style parodies ever tried to make fun
of Nicholas Sparks books, you’d hardly be able to tell their mockeries from the
originals. The author, who has figured out the magic formula to make forgiving romantics
swoon and everyone else cough up a hairball, has no fear of repeating himself
and striving for romance that’s so romantic it stretches past the point of
absurdity, deep into space into the orbit of Neptune.
Take
a line of dialogue that serves as the catch phrase for The Lucky One. Logan
(Zac Efron), a mysterious, solemn drifter, stares into the eyes of
broken-heated Southern belle Beth (Taylor Schilling), and says, with a straight
face, “You should be kissed every day, every hour, every minute.”
That
line shows exactly how The Lucky One can work on two levels. Romantics are like
“Ohmigawd! He’s soooo in love with her just like Edward is with Bella when he
watches her while she sleeps,” while normal people just laugh – both at the
movie and those people.
Those
who can appreciate it on either or both levels will find plenty to adore in the
movie, just as in the Sparks movies Message in a Bottle, A Walk to Remember,
The Noebook, Nights in Rodanthe, Dear John and The Last Song. Just like James
Bond movies or Kardashian marriages, seen one and you’ve seen ‘em all. The fact
that you’re willing to see another one says something about the sturdiness of
the concept.
There
will always be a place in moviedom for unabashed romances about strong, silent
types who sweep sad Southern belles who weren’t quite sure if they could ever
love again off their bare feet, protecting them from angry, abusive exes. You’ve
got to hand it to Sparks for riding his one-trick pony loud and proud.
Actors
who can mutter Sparks’s dialogue without bursting out in laughter also deserve
credit. Donning depression stubble and an upside-down version of his dopey High
School Musical perma-grin, Efron does some solid work as Logan. His character
is the Lucky One of the title, because, it figures, he’s the one who gets to
rock Taylor Schilling’s body in a PG-13 sex montage midway through the movie.
A
war vet who suffers from spontaneous shell-shock moments every bit as comically
random as those in South Park, he scoops up a picture of Beth on the battlefield,
then tracks her down after some astoundingly fast computer research.
He
finds Beth running a riverside doggie hostel along with her firecracker granny
(Blythe Danner) and her Ronald McDonald-haired boy. Oh, and over there hiding
in the bushes is friendly Abusive Stalker Ex (Jay R. Ferguson), just waiting to
make Logan look better by acting a fool and allowing our man to put him in his
place.
It
takes many days, hours and minutes of longing stares until Logan and Beth get
to having daily, hourly and minutely sex, but once they get there they more
than make up for lost time. Abusive Stalker Ex is probably watching and
slamming plates, but that takes place offscreen and doesn’t kill the mood. What
does kill the mood is Logan’s dark secret, which causes a five-minute dispute
between the lovers that leads up, naturally, to a tense action sequence
involving a collapsing bridge.
I
really wish I could tell you the end, but you’ll never hear from me whom a
house somehow hilariously falls on and kills, The Wizard of Oz-style. Your eyes
will certainly be filled with tears as the credits roll. Does it really matter whether
they came from heartmelt or laughter?
Starring
Zac Efron, Taylor Schilling, Bythe Danner, Riley Thomas Scott and Jay R.
Ferguson. Written by Will Fetters, adapted from the book by Nicholas Sparks.
Directed by Scott Hicks. 104 minutes. Rated PG-13.
My novel, Stormin' Mormon, is available as a Kindle book for $1.
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