Monday, June 10, 2013

The 5 Most Disgusting Vegetables

5. Green olives from Walmart with pimento stuck inside them. There are reasons factory machines see fit to impale these abominations with spicy enemas. It's not only to add some semblance of flavor to the wretched vacuums that abhor taste buds, but to punish the fruit-family rejects for their obstinance.

4. Iceberg lettuce. Lettuce leaves in general are big, stupid and unwieldy, and exists just to take up space and disappoint. Iceberg is the most disgusting of its ilk. Every bit as flavorful and easy to skewer with a fork as its namesake. This is the lettuce that sunk the Titanic.

3. Peas. The Exorcist ruined whatever goodwill this pathetic, puny, Martian alien-skin-colored attrocity ever wielded. The movie scene provded once and for all that peas were the preferred food of the eternally damned. They lurk behind carrots, hiding their mediocrity like pudgy little Hardys around so many Laurels.

2. Radishes. I've never eaten Old Spice deoderant, but I imagine it tastes very much like radish. Blending the texture of an apple with the taste of, well, Old Spice deoderant, the radish's raison d'etre is to disappoint and punish.

1. Every type of squash (tie). Why anyone would ever intentionally eat any type of squash baffles me. Not only do its different varieties taste like urine from various species of rodents when eaten raw, they taste even more sickenly disgusting when cooked. Only with cheese slathered all over them are squash slices somewhat tolerable.

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