5. Manu Ginobli is a flopper who could draw a fake charge by acting as though he were run over by a Mack truck if a butterfly dropped a microscopic fraction of butterfly poop a mile away from him.
4. There is nothing other to do in San Antonio, sportswise, than worship the stupid, boring Spurs, so everyone in the town takes pride in the team's constant success and thus behaves as entitled jerks who don't know what it's like to give away all your good players for no reason and suck for years, as the Suns do.
3. Their colors, black and silver, are derived from pencil coloring. The black is from hard pencil writing and the silver is from light. Both are sorely in need of a good erasing.
2. Tony Parker and Tim Duncan are good players, but have no flash or style. They play basketball like accountants crunch numbers. They take as much joy in winning as a middle school bus driver does in dropping off the day's last batch of ingrateful tweens so she can go spend half her day's pay at IHOP in a meal she will regret as soon as she exits the restaurant.
1. They walk the ball up the court every time, have no flow or rhythm to their offense, yet bore the opposition into letting them score every other possession or so. San Antonio wins solely because teams cannot stand to be on the court with them so they just roll their eyes and check their texts until the clock expiers.